Undergraduate / 'born between my loving mother and my grandparents' - UPenn Personal Essay [3]

Thank you so much for the suggestions vangiespen I appreciate your suggestions. I have rewritten the essay and tried to focus more on school. I didn't want to remove anything from the essay as I thought it was central to me. I just feel that I should write the essay and explain what I think should be explained because everything I said kind of builds upon each other. However, I did take into consideration what you told me and tried my best to fit everything into the 650 words limit. Please tell me what you think.

"HURRY, the connection is weak overseas, what will you name him?" my anxious joyous mother asked. My father confidently replied, "Um...Name him...oh yes, Servant of the Merciful, "before the phone call vanished. My mother was on the verge of giving birth to a child. I was born between my loving mother and my grandparents when my engrossed parent was on the other side of earth. We later joined my father after spending 2 years in Jordan. I grew up and joined a private school named Al-Aqsa. My father refused to let me go elsewhere, as he feared that I would be affected by today's schools after hearing about stories of students struggling in the local school district. I received great education at Al-Aqsa and created many wonderful relationships with classmates, teachers, coaches, and even the school principal, whom I conversed with often. School was laborious due to having a busy father and a mother who knew little about the given curriculum. There were many opportunities to work with peers, which helped me gradually develop and understand the material. The only flaw I faced, at Al-Aqsa, was that students were not taught to be independent.

Later, an incident occurred that changed a lot for my family and me. My father's connection with his family began to decrease immensely. He began to travel overseas for 6 months or more at a time. We stopped seeing him often. My brother dropped out of school in 10th grade when I was in 9th grade. No longer having a sibling to return to for support and encouragement, I was compelled to continue on my own. In, addition, my father, mother, and relatives all acquired their education from another country, so they couldn't help me much in regards to the American education system.

I then decided to switch to another school, PA Cyber, to receive better education and become more autonomous. It was difficult to switch from a traditional school to a cyber school. I was surprised to see that the students were completely self-reliant. This affected my grades dramatically in 10th grade. Getting used to being independent and to the new system of education took some time. I went through the 10th grade with great struggle and was optimistic that the next year would be better.

I started 11th grade with strong will and confidence. That year I was notified about the SAT test and the Keystone exams. I took the keystones, as soon as they were available and passed from the first time. Curious of my abilities and weak points, I decided to take the SAT without previous preparation, after consulting many people regarding this matter. Receiving a low score helped expose my weaknesses and left me to focus my concentration on specific issues, which would later on help me surpass the ACT with a better score. My brother then traveled overseas in order to continue his education. He and my father left me with the responsibility of a family. I had to manage my time between family, school, work, and college planning. I continued trying to prepare for the ACT even though it was extremely difficult. Being on my own I made some missteps, learning from them as I matured.

I started my 12th grade year with many duties. I began gathering my paperwork for college and scheduled my appointments on my own. My mother gave birth to who is now my youngest brother and was very busy to help with transportation. I then learned about UPenn, which caused my concentration on other schools to subside. I couldn't help but make it my top choice. No matter what the results may be, I am proud. I have used every opportunity given to me and tried my best. For me to succeed I must fall and as long as I get up continuously trying to prosper I will never be a failure.

Writing Feedback / Numerous people have a tendency to play at least 1 hour a day - Technologies [4]

Well written essay, but I think you should omit the second sentence in the essay. Generally, when writing an essay you don't tell the reader what you will write about you write about it and through the writing, the reader will find out. Also, I don't think you should write too much about how it was without the technology since the question is why the technology should gain aid from the government. Speak future tense and the benefits of funding technology in the future. You can probably search for world problems that can be solved through technology. Suggestions

Undergraduate / - "My effective leadership": an MIT application essay - [3]

I can see that you put some effort in writing this essay. It's a well written essay, but it seems to me that throughout the essay you are explaining how you became a leader rather than answering the questions, which are how and why you are proud of that leadership and how did that leadership impact your life? What benefits did it bring?

Suggestion
Leadership made me stand out in between my peers.
College readiness.
Self-reliant
Benefited my community (be specific as to how).

Undergraduate / College of Arts and Sciences, School of Nursing, The Wharton School, Penn Engineering; school choice [12]

Thank you so much for your suggestions. I appreciate your help.

Regarding the final paragraph, my intention wasn't to tell the reader that my goal was fame. I just simply said that I looked up to those who created change and that I plan to walk in their steps to create change as well, which is basically to contribute to the world as a whole.

Undergraduate / College of Arts and Sciences, School of Nursing, The Wharton School, Penn Engineering; school choice [12]

Don't be another copy on the shelves" - UPenn writing Supplement

I am applying to UPenn early decision and would like to receive some feedback on my writing supplement. Please give any feedback on suggested improvements and/or mistakes. I appreciate any efforts in helping improve this essay.

"Don't be another copy on the shelves," my uncle once said. Metaphorically relating me to a book, my uncle taught me to focus my ambition on being unique. A life changing quote directing me to innovate the field I admire rather than to augment it. Possessing an affinity for technology and searching for a career that would provide me the opportunity to devise and create was what drew me towards engineering. In addition, I have always had some type of sympathy towards the cosmos and how it functions. Coming upon a split path, as such, was a problem for me. Seeing UPenn and the flexibility offered through the interdisciplinary opportunities was a natural attraction, as if a breeze of cool air coated my flaming heart. Receiving the chance to acquire education to my customization through a dual-degree program is incomparable. I admire the ability, given to me by UPenn, to extend my education without being restricted to a prescribed set of courses, which can act as a barrier between my dreams and me.

Being a visual learner, I have always seen that education can be best interpreted when applied or connected to reality. Attending a school that excels in teaching its students how to carry their education from the classroom to the real world is essential. Penn offers a wide scope of research opportunities that permit scholars to gather real world experience. In addition, that imperative experience occurs within a group of peers

who share similar goals and pursuits. From these fascinating programs, many of which I intend to take advantage of, is the Rachleff Scholars program. Owning an interest in Nano education, I was amazed after being informed about the Nanotechnology research facility, which was the newest building on campus containing equipment of value, during my visit to UPenn.

Knowing that before applying any knowledge I have to pose a solid foundation of academics in the classroom made me concerned about the education portion of my school of choice. UPenn truly sets itself apart by providing students with a rigorous education through great, noble prize winning, professors. In addition, because of the small class capacity I am not considered an anonymous figure, rather I am an acknowledged individual who plays a part in creating the room. The opportunity to participate, ask questions, understand, and focus inside a classroom is central. Perceptive to these facts I plan to take that opportunity to achieve my goal in gaining the best education in order to be prosperous.

My aspiration is to one day create a change in this world. Why? For so long did I look up to the great people of our past. Their names, till this day, live to teach us the true significance of life. I intend to carry on their inspiration and goals and continue the road they chose without allowing any barrier to stop me. There are certain doors that I have to take in order to fulfill my dream and the maiden of my doors, that I chose, was UPenn. A space where I can take a flexible measure of education from some of the best in their fields including real world experience prior to graduation. Given this opportunity would allow me to pursue my dream in adding my name to the inclination of those who changed.