This is an optional essay in the UPenn application process. Please reply with feedback on errors and/or improvements. Any efforts are appreciated. Thank you.
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
While my father was in the United States going through the process of starting a business my mother was on the verge of giving birth to a child. I was born between my loving mother and my grandparents when my engrossed parent was on the other side of the earth. We later joined my father after spending 2 years in Jordan. I grew up and joined a private school named Al-Aqsa. My father refused to let me go elsewhere, as he feared that I would be affected by today's schools after hearing about stories of students struggling in the local school district. I received a great education at Al-Aqsa and created many wonderful relationships with classmates, teachers, coaches, and even the school principal, whom I conversed with often. School was laborious due to having a busy father and a kind mother who didn't know much about the curriculum given in my school. I gradually excelled between my classmates until I became one of the top students. There were a lot of opportunities to work with peers, which helped me in understanding the material. The only flaw I faced, at Al-Aqsa, was that the students were not taught to be independent.
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Abdurrahman, while you are presenting a very interesting story here that is almost autobiographical in tale. However, the story of your absentee father, drop out brother, and being born in Jordan is not as compelling to read as the paragraph about the switch in your educational system. I believe that it was this switch, from regular school to cyberschool that makes your essay stand out. I was particularly struck by this portion of your writing:
I then decided to switch to another school, PA Cyber, to receive better education and become more autonomous. It was difficult to switch from a traditional school to a cyber school. I was surprised to see that the students were completely self-reliant. This affected my grades dramatically in 10th grade. Getting used to being independent and to the new system of education took some time. I went through the 10th grade with great struggle and was optimistic that the next year would be better.
I believe that your essay will benefit greatly from a change in focus from the family to your adjustment to the electronic school system. It is a story that is very central to the development of your identity as an individual because you mention developing a sense of independence and struggling to adjust at the same time. Those are factors that show a unique development in you and portrays the kind of college student that you have the strong potential to be.
Of course this is just my suggestion and the decision about what information your essay should contain is up to you. I am merely suggesting ways to make it more interesting to the reader because it lacks a hook at the beginning. It really starts off very slow until it gets to the cyberschool portion.
Thank you so much for the suggestions vangiespen I appreciate your suggestions. I have rewritten the essay and tried to focus more on school. I didn't want to remove anything from the essay as I thought it was central to me. I just feel that I should write the essay and explain what I think should be explained because everything I said kind of builds upon each other. However, I did take into consideration what you told me and tried my best to fit everything into the 650 words limit. Please tell me what you think.
"HURRY, the connection is weak overseas, what will you name him?" my anxious joyous mother asked. My father confidently replied, "Um...Name him...oh yes, Servant of the Merciful, "before the phone call vanished. My mother was on the verge of giving birth to a child. I was born between my loving mother and my grandparents when my engrossed parent was on the other side of earth. We later joined my father after spending 2 years in Jordan. I grew up and joined a private school named Al-Aqsa. My father refused to let me go elsewhere, as he feared that I would be affected by today's schools after hearing about stories of students struggling in the local school district. I received great education at Al-Aqsa and created many wonderful relationships with classmates, teachers, coaches, and even the school principal, whom I conversed with often. School was laborious due to having a busy father and a mother who knew little about the given curriculum. There were many opportunities to work with peers, which helped me gradually develop and understand the material. The only flaw I faced, at Al-Aqsa, was that students were not taught to be independent.
Later, an incident occurred that changed a lot for my family and me. My father's connection with his family began to decrease immensely. He began to travel overseas for 6 months or more at a time. We stopped seeing him often. My brother dropped out of school in 10th grade when I was in 9th grade. No longer having a sibling to return to for support and encouragement, I was compelled to continue on my own. In, addition, my father, mother, and relatives all acquired their education from another country, so they couldn't help me much in regards to the American education system.
I then decided to switch to another school, PA Cyber, to receive better education and become more autonomous. It was difficult to switch from a traditional school to a cyber school. I was surprised to see that the students were completely self-reliant. This affected my grades dramatically in 10th grade. Getting used to being independent and to the new system of education took some time. I went through the 10th grade with great struggle and was optimistic that the next year would be better.
I started 11th grade with strong will and confidence. That year I was notified about the SAT test and the Keystone exams. I took the keystones, as soon as they were available and passed from the first time. Curious of my abilities and weak points, I decided to take the SAT without previous preparation, after consulting many people regarding this matter. Receiving a low score helped expose my weaknesses and left me to focus my concentration on specific issues, which would later on help me surpass the ACT with a better score. My brother then traveled overseas in order to continue his education. He and my father left me with the responsibility of a family. I had to manage my time between family, school, work, and college planning. I continued trying to prepare for the ACT even though it was extremely difficult. Being on my own I made some missteps, learning from them as I matured.
I started my 12th grade year with many duties. I began gathering my paperwork for college and scheduled my appointments on my own. My mother gave birth to who is now my youngest brother and was very busy to help with transportation. I then learned about UPenn, which caused my concentration on other schools to subside. I couldn't help but make it my top choice. No matter what the results may be, I am proud. I have used every opportunity given to me and tried my best. For me to succeed I must fall and as long as I get up continuously trying to prosper I will never be a failure.
