Undergraduate / "...what else makes you unique and colorful?" William and Mary Essay [4]

Is there anything in particular that you think I could modify to make the topic more appealing without a total overhaul?

Undergraduate / 'serious familial event that occurred in my life' - I am writing a "what I overcame" essay. [5]

I agree with Maxbradley. Separating and distinguishing the events in your life would make the essay a more compelling read.

Undergraduate / "The road that lead me to Brandeis University", Originally [4]

First off, I want to say that you are an excellent writer and your grammar and structure is very well organized. That alone makes your essay easy to read, but I feel that this essay may not capture the essence of why you should go there. Usually these "Why us?" essays are designed as a two way street. They want to know why you chose them, and why they should choose you. I don't think you addressed the second part of that adequately and I suggest you try to integrate more of that into the essay. That's just my opinion but I think it would help you a lot if you tried that. You're a very good writer so I have no doubt that you can.

Undergraduate / Studying history allows us to understand the growth of "humanity"... Lehigh Essay [7]

This is great! Thank you. I sometimes struggle with condensing my own writing in fear that I might cut away to much. You condensed it while still capturing the essence of everything I tried to say. Thank you.

Undergraduate / Studying history allows us to understand the growth of "humanity"... Lehigh Essay [7]

I'm about 30 words over the limit now, but it certainly feels more complete:

What attracts me most to Lehigh is a multifaceted approach to learning and living, an independent and interdisciplinary program enhanced by its diverse community of people and interests. At Lehigh, I will be able to integrate my passion for history, into a broader liberal arts curriculum that will encompass all aspects of human knowledge and expose me to a multitude of new ideas.

At the heart of my interest in history is my goal of contributing to historical knowledge. I hope to work with a professor like Professor Grigoryan whose research on Soviet and Post-Soviet international relations resonates with my Russian cultural background. Lehigh's unique Mountaintop Initiative would give me the opportunity to propose and conduct research with other students in an uninhibited environment that will promote creative and thoughtful exploration.

Lehigh's diversity is reflected in the breadth of extracurricular activities offered on campus. Whether I'm cheering for the Mountain Hawks as they take on Lafayette, watching a club performance at the Zoellner Arts Center, or just shooting pool with my dormmates, the wide variety of activities will always keep me entertained. Having worked with elementary and middle school students in an educational setting, I would be interested in joining the club "America Reads America Counts" to help engage elementary schools students in fun, educational activity that cultivates their love of learning. I hope to one day promote my own club: a historical community outreach group that will teach local school children about their ancestors and generate enthusiasm for learning about the past.

Freedom sparks creativity and creativity spurs progress. By studying at Lehigh, I look to be part of a freethinking and integrated community that will support my intellectual growth.

Undergraduate / Studying history allows us to understand the growth of "humanity"... Lehigh Essay [7]

Thanks for the guidelines. I was trying to cram too much about why I like history, and not enough about why I like Lehigh. I went back and made revisions.

Undergraduate / Internet was my weapon, laden with spikes and snares - Ann Arbor Supplemental Essay! (Michigan) [3]

It's definitely an attention grabber. I like it and I think it's fine the way it is, but if you want to make it even more exciting, I suggest you start with the phrase "The Internet was my weapon, laden with spikes and snares that took on the form of logic and science in the real world, and my calm disposition was my armor" and then backtrack to your thoughts about the Bible lesson. That really throws the reader into it and keeps them engaged.

Undergraduate / Growing up was never an easy task, especially with the constant struggles in my family. [2]

Your answer does a good job of directly responding to the question. I think you do a great job of articulating your relationship with your father. It's a compelling essay that reads well. There are a few things that I would suggest you change.

As a general rule of thumb, you shouldn't talk about grades and GPA's in these essays. It works in the second paragraph because of how your grades reflected your relationship with your father, but in the third paragraph, the sentence "By the end of my freshmen year, I obtained a 3.9 GPA after a terrible 8th grade year..." is not necessary and the paragraph ends stronger without it.

Otherwise, a very good essay. Good luck with your college admissions.

Undergraduate / "Studying history is important to me because history is all-encompassing" Cornell Essay help [7]

Thanks for the help. I'm feeling really good about it and will have my English teacher give it a read too. Otherwise it's done. I really appreciate the help, thanks.

Undergraduate / "Studying history is important to me because history is all-encompassing" Cornell Essay help [7]

First two paragraphs with revised anecdote:

"Look to your left... What do you see?" our teacher asked as we entered the classroom.
"A knife!" someone yelled out.
"A paining!"
"A map!"
On the first day of high school, these were some of the objects that graced "The Artifact Wall" of room 207. As the months went by, the wall became engulfed in a sea of Arab Spring headlines, Popular Science articles, and pictures of the rising World Trade Center. Gazing at the wall I was dumbstruck. Society seemed so complex; disorganized like the messy collage of pictures and items on the wall, but as I looked closer, a story began to emerge.

Studying history is important to me because history is all-encompassing. It is a subject that embodies the interdisciplinary principles of the liberal arts education. When we study history, we aren't just memorizing dates and learning about the accomplishments of great individuals; we are learning about the development of science, about how continual advancements in technology are redefining daily life, and about how economies are expanding beyond the scope of neighboring farms to encompass the entire globe. We are analyzing the growth of political ideologies and their effects on individuals and societies. We are searching for meaning in art and music and examining cultural context to paint a more accurate picture of the past, but most importantly, we are observing how people interact - how we have developed as a social species to create the global civilization that we call "humanity."

Undergraduate / "Studying history is important to me because history is all-encompassing" Cornell Essay help [7]

With my anecdote (26 words over the limit):

"Look to your left... What do you see?" our teacher asked as we entered the classroom.
"A knife!" someone yelled out.
"A paining!"
"A map!"
On the first day of high school, these were some of the objects that graced "The Artifact Wall" of room 207. Each week, three lucky students were assigned with the task of taping a new item to it. As the months went by, our little museum expanded from its original collection of 5 items to include Arab Spring headlines, Korean coins, and pictures of the rising Freedom Tower. "The Artifact Wall" presented a story: a living history of our freshman year.

Studying history is important to me because history is all-encompassing. It is a subject that embodies the interdisciplinary principles of the liberal arts education. When we study history, we aren't just memorizing dates and learning about the accomplishments of great individuals; we are learning about the development of science, about how the continual advancements in technology are redefining daily life, and about how economies are expanding beyond the scope of neighboring farms to encompass the entire globe. We are analyzing the growth of political ideologies and their effects on individuals and societies. We are searching for meaning in art and music and examining cultural context to paint a more accurate picture of the past, but most importantly, we are observing how people interact - how we have developed as a social species to create the global civilization that we call "humanity."

Tell me and I will forget. Teach me and I will remember. Involve me and I will learn. At Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences, my aim to discover the past through primary research; to be inspired by a professor like Professor Friedland, who shares my interest in early modern European history and is currently researching the spreading of French Revolutionary ideals to the French Caribbean colonies. In researching at the College of Arts and Sciences, I wish to take advantage of the Cornell University Library's extensive Rare and Manuscript Collection and it's unique array of French Revolutionary documents. I look forward to joining the Undergraduate Historical Society, helping to spread appreciation for history to other undergraduates. Having created a historical journal at my school, I hope to become published, and one day serve as a publisher for Ezra's Archives - the Cornell undergraduate historical journal.

I am fascinated by the expressions of society - art, culture and politics. I see beauty in the order of disorder, the harmony of Pointillism's hectic array of colored dots, and the chaotic synchronization of political theory. I feel that my study of history would be incomplete without taking into account my interest in political science. At the College of Arts and Sciences, the Double Major program would allow me to combine my passion for history with my interest in political science (Government) to create a comprehensive program of study.

At Cornell, my goal is not only to study "humanity," but also to contribute to it in a meaningful way. Service-Learning courses like "Social Entrepreneurs, Innovators, and Problem Solvers," would allow me to apply lessons learned in my study of history and government to tackling contemporary social issues. Through case study and practical application of my newfound knowledge, I will become better prepared to make a difference in both the local and global community.

History is a multifaceted discipline. What attracts me most to Cornell is a similar multifaceted approach to learning and living, an interdisciplinary program enhanced by its diverse community of people and interests. This diversity is reflected in the breadth of extracurricular activities offered on campus. Having worked with elementary and middle school students in an educational setting for three years, I would be interested in joining the club "College Mentors for Kids" and helping to engage elementary schools students in fun, educational activity that cultivates their love of learning. I hope to one day promote my own club: a historical community outreach group that will teach local school children about their ancestors and generate enthusiasm for learning about the past.

Undergraduate / "You're a 7th grader now. You need to be responsible for your schoolwork" "Why Brown?" essay [7]

This is after I've cut it down to 200 words and applied your advice. Problem is that I had to cut out the part about working at the manuscript library. I wish this essay had a 300 word limit.

I've had to shave down a lot of the detail because of the 200 word limit.

Undergraduate / "You're a 7th grader now. You need to be responsible for your schoolwork" "Why Brown?" essay [7]

Thank you for the feedback. I already did mention my passion for history in my other essays for Brown. This is the last essay that they ask you to write so I don't want to seem redundant.

Undergraduate / Beyond your academic credentials, what else makes you unique and colorful? William and Mary essay [3]

This is a wonderful essay. Really demonstrates your inquisitive spirt through a fun, playful anecdote. I really think your essay is spectacular. I actually speak Russian myself as my parents taught me how to speak it when I was a toddler. Like the above commenter said, try to mention how you went out to try and prove your theory, maybe about how you tried to convince your parents.

Undergraduate / "You're a 7th grader now. You need to be responsible for your schoolwork" "Why Brown?" essay [7]

Thanks for the suggestions. Now I need to figure out how to cut it down to 200 words.

Undergraduate / ''work is an anti node for poverty'' - My mother a supportive figure [9]

Your essay has a very strong subject; your mother's perseverance and strength of will. I think this makes for a great essay, but at times, the grammar takes away from it. In the first line "say" should be "says." Try to rephrase the rest of the first paragraph. Your list of rigors is a little jumbled up in terms of wording. If you have an English teacher, it would be a good idea to go to them for help with the grammar. Otherwise you have a very good essay.