Undergraduate / "Come on man, one more rep, one more!" - Shooting for above average [11]

Thank you and everyone else so much for helping me produce a polished common app essay!

I made one more change in the first line of the essay "Come on man, one more rep , one more!" for those who don't know what a "rep" is. Rewriting it as "repetition" wouldn't have sounded as authentic.

I consider this a job well done, thanks again!

Undergraduate / A good story starts with a good beginning. Get us hooked in 150 words. [3]

**Not a pro proof-reader**

There's a continuity error in the dialogue. A dazed and confused young woman/girl says "what's go--" and her father BARKS " Shh! Stay down! Stay down! They can't know you're here! We have to get you to safety!" Shouldn't her father be quiet too? You might want to say he "whispered". Additionally, they're driving in a car which I presume also makes noise, so what's the point? Maybe I'm looking too deeply into this but I just can't see any reason why he wouldn't want her to talk.

Delete this sentence ". Looking closer, she spotted a row of seemingly abandoned houses that lined the street. Her eyes widened; she had seen these houses before...But where?" Now you're at 212 words.

This is really good though!

Undergraduate / "Come on man, one more rep, one more!" - Shooting for above average [11]

In taking your advice, I decided that my essay would probably be best clarified if I said that everything went really bad and that is what instilled a sense of urgency in me.

I made these changes to the third paragraph only:

Unfortunately, everything went south. When I got there, my cousin was crying and I was notified that a complaint would be made to the mother. When I heard that his mother had used this report to her advantage in a custody hearing, something in me flipped in me that changed everything. The whole episode led me to think about how much time I have wasted in life and what my level of disorganization had cost me. I realized my life lacked proper planning, preparation, and discipline. I decided that I would put an end to it. From that point on, I meticulously scheduled each waking moment of my day; specifying what hour I would execute each task and for how long I would work on it. Through rigorously planning my daily schedule, I managed to minimize the amount of time wasted on being unproductive and maximize productivity and growth. For example, by the end of the summer I was looking at ten pages of schedules and notes that I had accumulated. I was finally forming some good habits. With my effort to plan things out, I provided myself with a secure and reliable structure that I could rely on and relax into, never having to deal with the question of "What should I do next?" and eliminating my proclivity to procrastination. My tasks were doable and I felt that I was in total control of my life. When I write down a task I ask myself, "Is this adding value to my community or myself?" and place it in an ordered list from least important to most urgent. I made my life more meaningful and was able to rebuff distractions that many teens my age face. And of course, if better or more important opportunities presented themselves, I was flexible enough to make a change of plans; ensuring among many things, that I'd never forget to pick up my cousin from after-school again.

I think this one is ready to be stamped and sealed, what do you think?

Undergraduate / "Come on man, one more rep, one more!" - Shooting for above average [11]

I want to give you a huge thanks on the advice man.

Here's what it I decided to change the beginning of the third paragraph to this - Everything worked out for the better I am glad to say. However, for some reason, the whole episode led me to think about how much time I have wasted in life. I realized my life lacked proper planning, preparation, and discipline...

I made a lot of other changes - here's how it reads now

"Come on man, one more rep, one more!" shouted my gym partner as I forced the measly one hundred thirty-five pound weight off my chest for the eighth time. I re-racked the weight and sat up. Feeling my chest muscles swelling up and being engorged with blood, I was experiencing "the pump," and it was glorious. Then I receive a message on my cell phone that replaced the euphoria with dread. I had forgotten something of great importance.

Earlier that day, I had made a promise to pick up my cousin's son from school at five o'clock. It was six when I listened to the message, "I forgot to remind you, but I'm assuming you already got him." My mind flooded with wild thoughts of what would come of my blunder. "What if he is fined? What if this incident is reported and he loses custody of his child? What if I'm responsible for a major change in my cousin's relationship with his child?!" I rushed out of the gym, hopped on my bike, and restlessly pedaled with a strong mix of anger, fear, and stress.

Everything worked out for the better I am glad to say. However, for some reason, the whole episode led me to think about how much time I have wasted in life. I realized my life lacked proper planning, preparation, and discipline. I decided that I would put an end to it. From that point on, I meticulously scheduled each waking moment of my day; specifying what hour I would execute each task and for how long I would work on it. Through rigorously planning my daily schedule, I managed to minimize the amount of time wasted on being unproductive and maximize productivity and growth. It provided a secure and reliable structure that I could rely on and relax into, never having to deal with the question of "What should I do next?" and eliminating my proclivity to procrastination. My tasks were doable and I felt that I was in total control of my life. When I write down a task I ask myself, "Is this adding value to my community or myself?" and place it in an ordered list from least important to most urgent. I made my life more meaningful and was able to rebuff distractions that many teens my age face. And of course, if better or more important opportunities presented themselves, I was flexible enough to make a change of plans; ensuring among many things, that I'd never forget to pick up my cousin from after-school again.

Let me know what you think.

Undergraduate / "Come on man, one more rep, one more!" - Shooting for above average [11]

But "rep" is in quotes, and no one in a testosterone filled gym is going to say "one more repetition!" So I think I'm going to simply take out the word repetition. As for the rest of your advice, spot on I will try to make it more clear who is who - I suppose it's vague because both the father and child are my cousins.

Undergraduate / "Come on man, one more rep, one more!" - Shooting for above average [11]

Lol I had to lie in my essay and change it to 85lbs. Originally I said 135lbs, but my sister said it wasn't a "measly" weight, so I had to lighten it.

I'm not actually sure what you mean in terms of writing about my failure, the failure was picking up my cousin an hour late. I suppose that this means I didn't make it clear enough. Thank you, now I will.

Undergraduate / MIT ESAAY || WHICH DEPARTMENT APPEALS YOU MOST AND WHY || HELP- need to improve [5]

I always **did** whatever I could to feed my curiosity by sitting with CS students and experimenting on my laptop.

Alternatively

I fed my curiosity for CS through associating with like-minded students and developing programs as a team.

Undergraduate / my transition from childhood to adulthood began when I was 8 - Common App Prompt [5]

Getting a job is sort of rite of passage related so that would be good.