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Posts by dozazgirl
Name: Bree Jackson
Joined: Jan 12, 2015
Last Post: Jan 13, 2015
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  

From: United States of America
School: Bellevue East

Displayed posts: 3
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dozazgirl   
Jan 13, 2015
Scholarship / Three adjectives have followed me throughout life - philanthropic, creative, and intercultural. [2]

In elementary school, creative meant constructing a Barbie Guillotine.

Like a crazy nickname from childhood, three adjectives have followed me throughout life - philanthropic, creative, and intercultural. In preschool, philanthropic meant sharing my snack with the kid next to me. In elementary school, creative meant constructing a Barbie Guillotine. In middle school, intercultural meant hosting Japanese students. As I changed and grew, so did the adjectives to describe me. Today, I am philanthropic through Girl Scouts, Key Club, Leo Club, and other volunteer services. I am creative in school projects, internships, and volunteer events. I am intercultural through foreign language classes, attending Chinese Academy, and organizing an Ethnic Festival. At first, these three adjectives were separate parts of me. Now, they have combined to form a personal "nickname" for myself and I proudly vow to keep it with me for life.

Hi! This is one of the prompts for the Annika Rodriguez Scholarship for WashU: List 3 adjectives to describe yourself and briefly tell why you chose each adjective.

Please let me know how it reads, grammar, context, and if it sounds good. I think the beginning and end need some work, so if you have any suggestions...please let me know!

Thank you for all your help! (PS. The essay has to stay under 150 words...yikes!)
dozazgirl   
Jan 12, 2015
Undergraduate / I couldn't believe I was getting eyeliner put on me, never had I imagined this would happen. [4]

Hi! I really like your essay as a whole. It is very interesting and I can hear your "voice" coming through the essay.

Just work on separating your sentences with more periods. You seem to have a lot of run-on sentences that are linked together with commas. Try to reword and shorten some so you have different lengths for sentences. Good Luck!
dozazgirl   
Jan 12, 2015
Undergraduate / Where did Highschool go? I feel as if my high school years passed me by in a blink of an eye [3]

I am already aware of what my major goals are that i plan to accomplish during my college experience. - You're basically saying the same thing twice. Having goals is the same as planning to accomplish something.

You're missing quite a few commas. If you have a dependent clause (sentence that can't be on it's own), you need to have a comma with it. Example: As I get ready to enter college in the fall of 2015, ...

Overall, it seems pretty good. Oh, and make sure to capitalize your i's.