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I couldn't believe I was getting eyeliner put on me, never had I imagined this would happen.

dfulleriii 1 / 1  
Jan 11, 2015   #1
Flagler College strives to admit students who will excel and reach their full potential during their college experience. Please provide an essay of at least 250 words that describes a single event or a single theme that defines your character and/or your aspirations.

I need help with my essay for applying to Flagler, i feel like i stray off task or the essay isn't powerful enough, I just wanted to get a second opinion and some help and insight as to what else I should include and/or take out of the essay, Thankyou!!!

I was sitting in a chair, in front of a large mirror, as someone was putting eyeliner on my eyes, I couldn't believe I was getting eyeliner put on me, never had I imagined this would happen. The scene around me was ordered chaos, as people worked together to move pieces of set, organize prop tables, and rehearse their lines. It was junior year, I had my first lead role in a show, a high school show, but nerve-wracking nonetheless. After my makeup was finished I had gone around and helped the rest of the cast with various little things to help prepare for the show until ShowTime came around. My heart skipped a beat (Or two) as the stage manager called places. I was terrified, yet I had the biggest grin I had ever had. It was in that moment, with the applause from the crowd for the opening of the show, to the terrified heartbeat in my chest, that I realized that I had found what I love to do, and that this is what was going to get me through high school to college where I can do theater. After getting fully immersed into theater I continuously built up my passion for the dramatic arts. The whole aspect of the ability to silence an entire theater filled with people, anticipating what happens next in the show, relying on you and your cast mates to guide the story, to give people these wide range of emotions, is a beautiful thing, to bring happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, to immerse an audience member so much into the life of the character you build, is what I love. I believe Flagler is the perfect fit for my interests, learning style, and goals, because of its outstanding reputation and its growing options of Majors and things to help succeed in life. With the perfect balance for its devotion to the arts as well as other great majors and small setting, Flagler is the college I strive to grow, succeed, and have the ability and life skills to achieve greatness in life after graduating.
briannaasalways 3 / 6 2  
Jan 11, 2015   #2
I really like the main idea of your short essay, that theater is your passion! Here is a couple of things I would suggest. First off, I see MANY grammatical errors/spelling mistakes and I'm no English teacher so I would strongly suggest going to a very good one to read this over or maybe having a friend you know that is good at grammar reading over this. The main thing I caught was a lot of run on sentences and places where commas shouldn't have been at. Have someone read your essay back to you to see if it sounds right, you'll probably find that they run out of breath with all of the run on sentences or that they will stop awkwardly when they come across a comma. Second off, it's clear that theater is your passion and that is what you want to pursue in college, but how does that define YOU as a person, how has it shaped you into the person you are today? I can tell that the event led to your aspiration, but not so much your character. Lastly, I know some people might say it's good to mention the school you are applying to in your essay or talk them up but that's not really necessary in this prompt. This prompt is about YOU. The college wants to know about YOU, I feel that the last two sentences don't really end the paragraph right, it is kind of open ended. I feel like you could have even ended your essay before the "I believe Flagler" part. I hope what I said has made sense and if you have any questions feel free to message me back but these are just my suggestions, in the end, your essay is your essay and write what you believe in and what sounds right to you.
OP dfulleriii 1 / 1  
Jan 11, 2015   #3
Looking back again I do now realize I've made some pretty obvious mistakes hahaha thank you for pointing them out and thank you for the help! I will definitely take all of that into consideration! Thanks so much!
dozazgirl 1 / 2  
Jan 12, 2015   #4
Hi! I really like your essay as a whole. It is very interesting and I can hear your "voice" coming through the essay.

Just work on separating your sentences with more periods. You seem to have a lot of run-on sentences that are linked together with commas. Try to reword and shorten some so you have different lengths for sentences. Good Luck!

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