Unanswered [17] | Urgent [0]

Posts by BioCat
Name: Guo
Joined: Jan 19, 2015
Last Post: Jan 23, 2015
Threads: 1
Posts: 5  
Likes: 2
From: United States of America
School: Saratoga High School

Displayed posts: 6
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Jan 23, 2015
Undergraduate / I felt a small spark kindle inside me - Application Essay for Summer Biotechnology Program [6]

Hi thanks so much for your suggestions! I edited the second paragraph and changed it to 2 separate paragraphs. I've highlighted my changes in blue. What do you think?

I feel that this is a good opportunity for me to learn more about the field of biotechnology and what it is like to have a career in this area. I want to learn about all the new lab technologies that can be used to solve problems that would have been unapproachable just decades ago, such as efficiently making millions of copies of DNA through PCR. In addition, I've learned about the general purposes and procedures of some labs, such as DNA fingerprinting and PCR, in school, but because of a lack of facility, it was impossible to actually do the labs. I will receive the change to learn new lab techniques that I wasn't even aware of before. For example, I know what DNA gel electrophoresis is but I didn't know the same concept could be applied to proteins as well! Therefore, this course will allow me to gain more lab experiences and expand my grasp of biotechnology.

I aim to major in biology-related fields in college and hope to participate in further research programs throughout my high school years. I plan on applying the knowledge and experience I obtain at ABI to other research opportunities. I am very interested in using genetically engineered bacteria to treat human diseases, including cancer, AIDS, diabetes, and obesity. I think that genetically engineered bacteria have very wide applications and potential in medicine. Genetically engineered bacteria can be more effective than other current treatment methods in that many species of bacteria have already evolved for millions of years to develop the best mechanisms to infect other organisms, such as ways to recognize specific types cells and fast reproduction rates. By taking advantage of these characteristics along side with manipulating their DNA, we could change an otherwise harmful or benign bacteria into something that could help cure various illnesses. Through the different labs, lectures, and field trips at ABI, I will be able to learn things, such as bacterial transformation, protein purification, and probably much more, that will be very helpful and crucial in carrying out my ideas of genetically engineering bacteria. I believe that this course will give me a good grounding in both practice and theory to help me to continue pursuing my passion of biotechnology in my future.

Thanks again! Do you think this is specific enough?
Jan 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / Lately, many high school students try to search for a job instead of going to universities; TOEFL [5]

I think "countless obstacles will prevent comprehension from everyday events or trivial situations from understanding news reports to counting change after a purchase" works. However, the examples you give do seem a bit too exaggerated? maybe come up with something more plausible so it''s more persuasive? for example, I think most people who have graduated from elementary school knows how to count change. They don't necessarily need to know algebra 2 or trig material to know how to count change :)
Jan 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / Lately, many high school students try to search for a job instead of going to universities; TOEFL [5]

Hi, this is my first time editing on this forum so it might not be as good as you were expecting, anyways, here are my thoughts on it. They are not necessarily the correct way so you can just use the ones you like. :)

This is overall a very well-written essay.

I would recommend that you start with a word other than "lately" because to a reader, it seems like a sentence in the middle of the essay rather than the first word. I suggest words like "currently" or "recently". Also, clarify "countless obstacles will prevent comprehension from everyday events or trivial situations." Try to elaborate or explain it more clearly because it is kind of hard to understand the first time reading it. It may seem intuitive to you as a writer, but make the reasoning more obvious so the reader doesn't have to think about it themselves. For the last sentence of your second paragraph, don't start with "this is why" as it sounds like as if you are following a specific format on essay writing (like those guides they can you in school). I suggest using "therefore" instead. Be careful when you say the mathematician's life will be dull and repetitive, because this is a highly individualistic matter and varies from person to person. For example, one might like the life of a mathematician though it may seem dull to you. Instead, talk about how another person will simply have more opportunities for other things in life.
Jan 19, 2015
Undergraduate / I felt a small spark kindle inside me - Application Essay for Summer Biotechnology Program [6]

What has appealed to you most about your science experience in high school? Why would you like to study science at the Biotech Institute this summer, and what will you hope to gain by the experience? (limit 1 type-written page)

When I walked into my seventh grade Life Science class on the first day of school, I felt a small spark kindle inside me. I felt in awe as I looked at the big colorful posters of DNA, mitosis, and SEM images. Since then, my passion for biology has continued to gradually grow and develop. There wasn't any single event that instantly inspired me to pursue biology. Rather, it was the accumulation of classes everyday, the discussions, and labs and simulation activities I participated in in both middle and high school.

Jan 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / People are living longer now - medicine is more advanced [2]

First, your thesis statement is a bit unclear and confusing to readers. I think you should clarify the part about the comfortable life and hard work. What do you mean by each new invention is made for comfort instead of hard work?

I think what you are trying to say is that new inventions are improving people's quality of life, and therefore, don't have to work as hard.

Next, your second paragraph is mainly focused on how new medicine can be used to treat diseases. It is true that it is increasing life span, but in my opinion, it has more to do with preventing suffering rather than increasing comfort.

Also, be careful when you say people don't have to work on farms and in factories, because there are still a lot of people working in these areas. A lot of agriculture, product manufacture, and food processing factories still require a lot of human labor, as not everything can be relied on machines.

Lastly, explain why it is good to not face the problems that arise in life. It can be easily argued that people need to face these problems in order to overcome them, and that they should not try to avoid them through distractions like the internet. I recommend that you choose other advantages of having these technologies.

You also have a number of grammar mistakes, so I copied and pasted your essay below. The words in blue are the ones I've changed:

Science and technologies have made great progress and human life has become increasingly valuable and appreciated than before . Each new invention on our Earth is made for human comfort instead of human's hard work, and that's why it might be said that people are living longer now than centuries ago.

First, nowadays medicine is more advanced than a hundred years ago. A lot of cures and pills have been invented to fight against different diseases. By these new methods, doctors are able to treat various diseases which couldn't be cured years ago. For example in ancient times a lot of people suffered and died because of bites of different dangerous insects. Nowadays such infects are curable and not as dangerous before.

In addition, the new technologies have made people's lives easier. Nowadays people don't have to do hard work in large farms, buildings etc. New machines do the whole hard work instead of the people. For example in ancient Egypt a lot of slaves died through unfortunate accidents during the hard work for building the huge pyramids. In contrast in modern world high buildings are built mostly by special machines that can raise heavy blocks instead of having the people do it by hand. Besides the new technologies allow people to have less stress than before. For example special technologies such as internet, television etc. allow people not to concentrate on their household boring and depressive problems, miss their far relatives etc.

To sum it up it might be said that life has become relatively safer and easier. Thanks to new technologies and great progress in medical science a lot of problems have been solved that could endanger human's life and spiritual situation. Consequently, human's live have become safer on the Earth, and therefore will be able to live longer than ever now.