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Lately, many high school students try to search for a job instead of going to universities; TOEFL


kibz95 16 / 53 15  
Jan 19, 2015   #1
Universities and high schools should teach students about specific careers and fields instead of general subjects.

Lately, many high school students try to search for a job instead of going to universities, refusing to study any other subjects unrelated to their job. However, universities and high schools should continue teaching students general subjects because these subjects are rudimentary for any education and this education provides everyone the equal chance to experience all subjects.

First, the general subjects taught in high school are all basic education which is essential to learn other advanced subjects. Without any basic knowledge of other subjects, countless obstacles will prevent comprehension from everyday events or trivial situations. For example, if one wants to be an engineer, they must understand the basic concepts of physics and math. At times, English will come to use when reading a manual for a complicated gadget. Without any knowledge of these rudimentary subjects, it's impossible to work at maximum capacity and eventually be replaced with someone who is well educated without any limits. Such trivial education can turn to a major flaw if unattended and neglected. This is why high schools and universities should continue teaching students basic subjects so that their capability will not be restrained by their lack of wit.

Second, these general subjects offer everyone the chance to experience the variations of subjects in the field of subjects. This opportunity is once in a lifetime and incredibly vital in the future. This allows one to ponder about their future and their preferences on the subjects. Not only will this provide them profound insight but also the chance to pave their own path to their dreams. Compared to a student who dedicates his life to math in order to be a mathematician, a student who has experienced all subjects and weighed the pros and cons would be more likely to succeed in life in happiness and satisfaction. True, the mathematician will also live a successful life, but it will also be repetitive and dull, solving math equations endlessly while the other will have different views and distinctive hobbies as a result of learning various subjects. This comparison proves that high schools and universities should teach students regular subjects instead of teaching specific fields and subjects.

Studying for a single field of subject may grant specific jobs, but their lives will be colorless and redundant. Therefore, high schools and universities should teach general subjects since it is the foundation of education and it provides the priceless opportunity to experience all subjects. (405)

Any comments will be appreciated greatly! Thank you again!

BioCat 1 / 5 2  
Jan 19, 2015   #2
Hi, this is my first time editing on this forum so it might not be as good as you were expecting, anyways, here are my thoughts on it. They are not necessarily the correct way so you can just use the ones you like. :)

This is overall a very well-written essay.

I would recommend that you start with a word other than "lately" because to a reader, it seems like a sentence in the middle of the essay rather than the first word. I suggest words like "currently" or "recently". Also, clarify "countless obstacles will prevent comprehension from everyday events or trivial situations." Try to elaborate or explain it more clearly because it is kind of hard to understand the first time reading it. It may seem intuitive to you as a writer, but make the reasoning more obvious so the reader doesn't have to think about it themselves. For the last sentence of your second paragraph, don't start with "this is why" as it sounds like as if you are following a specific format on essay writing (like those guides they can you in school). I suggest using "therefore" instead. Be careful when you say the mathematician's life will be dull and repetitive, because this is a highly individualistic matter and varies from person to person. For example, one might like the life of a mathematician though it may seem dull to you. Instead, talk about how another person will simply have more opportunities for other things in life.
OP kibz95 16 / 53 15  
Jan 19, 2015   #3
Thank you for your opinion BioCat.
Do you think this will work?
----countless obstacles will prevent comprehension from everyday events or trivial situations from understanding news reports to counting change after a purchase.
Or do you think I have to explain more in precise detail like,
-----countless obstacles will prevent comprehension from everyday events or trivial situations. To be more specific, without knowing the simple knowledge of addition, one would never know whether the amount of change he received is correct after a purchase. Also, without knowing basic English grammar and vocabulary, they wouldn't be able to comprehend everyday news reports.
BioCat 1 / 5 2  
Jan 19, 2015   #4
I think "countless obstacles will prevent comprehension from everyday events or trivial situations from understanding news reports to counting change after a purchase" works. However, the examples you give do seem a bit too exaggerated? maybe come up with something more plausible so it''s more persuasive? for example, I think most people who have graduated from elementary school knows how to count change. They don't necessarily need to know algebra 2 or trig material to know how to count change :)
OP kibz95 16 / 53 15  
Jan 20, 2015   #5
Yes, I do see your point... Perhaps something like calculating taxes or bills would be plausible.


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