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Posts by concord123
Joined: Jul 19, 2009
Last Post: Sep 18, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  

From: united states

Displayed posts: 4
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concord123   
Sep 18, 2010
Undergraduate / Questions about writing an essay on 'someone who has made an impact on your life' [3]

Hello there,

Here is my suggestion:

You could stay focused in one point and develop your essay.

or you could choose three different points and develop them to write your essay:

For example : her hard work( use examples to form a paragraph)
Good relations with other people( use examples to illustrate the main idea))
love and sacrifice for her family( use some examples to develop your point)

Then you conclude.

GOOD luck
concord123   
Sep 18, 2010
Undergraduate / How to start an introduction paragraph about someone that influenced me (my son)? [4]

Hello there,

you can start like this:

During the course of our life, we all have met someone that impact our lives positively or negatively. My new born son Devin changed my overlook of life positively .

You continue by explaining how he changed or influenced you by selection 3 points and develop them then conclude. In the end you have a 5 paragraph essay.

Good Luck.
concord123   
Sep 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "the footsteps of my parents" - Personal ESSAY! U of M [7]

Hello there,

I noticed that you mentioned three important points in your introduction:
#1 Your parents taught you the value of money( could be paragraph 1)
#2 The meaning of work ethic(could be paragraph 2)
#3 The essence of family unity( could be paragraph 3)

These three points are very good but you did not follow through in your body paragraph to develop each one of them by adding some specific examples related to the same main point.

You have an introduction : it is good
you have too long paragraphs : the first one you talked about your hard work in many ways , you tried to show how you value money, but you did not stay focused in the main point.

The second paragraph was about volunteer work, helping other people , but this not work ethic. You should be more specific and give some example to illustrate work ethic.

You do not have a conclusion. In your conclusion you should summarize the three points you presented in the introduction . Add one or two sentences to show your hope for the future.

over all it is a good essay , full of culture and experiences, it needs only some structure.

Best Regards.
concord123   
Sep 18, 2010
Writing Feedback / Memorable people that influenced you (my grandmother) - Cbest writing [3]

Please I need some feed back for this essay.
Topic CBEST Essay Writing :
We all have uncountered some memorable people in our life. Write an essay and explain why this person is unforgettable to you. Illustrate your essay using examples.

During our life time we all have encountered some memorable people that influenced .In fact,I grew up in a small rural town called Lamgharir in Morocco, approximately few kilometers from the city of Marrakech,I had the opportunity to live , observe,and follow my grandmother footsteps in life. My grandmother Zahia was the unforgettable member of our family, because of her dedication to her community, her hard work to raise five children of her deceased sister, and her love and care toward animals. Truly, my grandmother had an amazing personality.

My grandmother played an important role in serving her community.For instance , she was the only midwife in the whole town. A lot of children were named after her. Throughout the dark nights across the Atlas mountains ,my grandmother walked miles and miles to help women deliver their babies. She saved many lives without asking for anything in return. My grand mother was my inspiration to volunteer during my high school years to teach women to learn how to read and write in the Arabic language. Thus, grandma served her community very well.

Not only my grandmother was an active member of the community, but she was a great mother for her own children and the five other adopted children from her deceased younger sister. For example ,even though my grandma had to take care or her farm animals and her plantations, her children were her first priority. They were always clean, fed and happy. Grandma watched them play hours and hours on the tire swing which she hung herself on the giant tree in front of the house. In addition to her busy day grandma scarified time every night for story telling. I remember a tall white candle, on the top of a big class jar, lighting the room .On the right side of the room, we all gathered around her to enjoy her exciting stories. As a result, I learned from my grandma to put my children first. I decided to take three years off to raise my little girl Sara. Hence, my grandma was a hard working mother and a role model to me.

My grand mother loved and cared about her animals.Eventhough,the work was physically and emotionally demanding , she woke up early every day, with a pleasant attitude, to care for her dogs, chickens ,turkeys , cows, donkeys , and horses. Her hands felt rough to the touch; because she cleaned the animals place everyday .In fact, grandma would direct daily all her animals to the spacious field. As a result, they looked healthy and happy. Since they were feed only green grass and other plants from the big field. Furthermore, this freedom in the green field gave the animals body strength. Thus, grandma's animals lived in a healthy and caring environment.

As a conclusion, my grandmother was a memorable person in our family, because she dedicated her time to serve her community, she worked hard to rise her children, and she created a healthy place for her animals. Grandma influenced me and so many other people around her. I hope that all grandchildren look back and follow their grandparents footsteps. Our grandparents are the wisdom and are a wonderful asset to all of us to follow.
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