Posts by Henr247

Henr247

Aug 29, 2015

Undergraduate / Self- Reflection Personal Statement For UC admissions [4]

Thanks for the responses you guys. I really appreciate how much effort you two put into reading other people's essays. It is not something a lot of people would be passionate about, but there is always something for everyone. It just so happens that people like you devote time into helping students as much as possible.

Best Regards

Henr247

Aug 25, 2015

Writing Feedback / The internet has transformed, but is still causing newer and newer problems [3]

Hi bany1020,

Let me proofread the essay for you before I provide my input:

~~but~~ (Use transitions - like However, so it won't sound like a run-on sentence) it has likewise made ~~resolutions~~ (diction: solutions) that ~~did~~ (had) not exist(ed) before. The majority of problems can trigger ~~the~~ effects in our society and ~~another~~ (our) lifestyle ~~and when we are addicted the internet. (or when addicted people on the internet)~~ , (such as internet addiction. )

Nowadays (In the present day), ~~(I think the most problem is~~ ( I believe a major issue with the internet is the social network service(SNS).) It The SNS has various users internationally.

Many people have been sharing and distributing (their personal) information ~~or their life story~~ (to) each other on websites. However, some solutions (try and separate solutions from the problems in order to clarify your points) addicted and too much spend time (people) on internet websites even except their living.

Just in case to be possible generated (to) a lack of sleep, loss of eyesight, bed posture. It can be evoked to physical problems. ( Are you talking about the physical effects of internet addiction? )

Furthermore(moreover), according to the development of internet network, which has ~~gradual~~ been going up(gradually) and (further) expanding on (into) our lifestyle, (keep going... there is a cutoff here for some reason - according to the development of the internet network, ... the information that they have collected. The first sentence of this paragraph is incomplete.) ~~On the other hand~~ (Yet) , ~~we are exposed our private information~~ (Our private information is exposed). Therefore, we are likely to get stressed out by hacker(s).

(People who are on the internet) ~~The computer users~~ for a long time (unclear- place this somewhere else) ~~that~~ (who) trigger(s) ~~troubles mentally on people (conjunction) who would use the internet to be affected on mental~~ (are subjected or exposed to metal problems) such as mental congestion and chronic problems. (Please clarify this sentence. Are the problems directed to the internet users or someone else? I just corrected the sentences to how I see fit. You are welcome to take my suggestions if you feel that they will improve your sentences.)

~~In addition~~ (finally), the internet network is guaranteed anonymity, which ~~is possible to cause~~ (can potentially cause) massive problems, ~~respectively~~ . (For example,) someone may be injured by anonymity, who may be helpful it. Due to ~~without no limit ages~~ (no age limitations) on ~~the~~ internet user(s), every(one) can access websites on the internet that include enormous information. ~~Especially, it is for children negatively. They can be easily access through anonymity to pornographic etc.~~

(Children, especially, are effected negatively the most, as the can be easily exposed to inappropriate sites that may contain content such as pornography, etc. - just a rewrite of this sentence so it sounds clear and succinct.)

In conclusion, government should introduce (laws or reforms - try to explain what the government should exactly do) to (that) limit (the) spending time and anonymity (of ?, ex. internet users.)

To solve this controversy, it will not (it will not clarify? I am confused. - try and elaborate as to who "it" is directed to) definitely clarify the resolutions.

For example, to take a break time after uses(using) 3 hours and from middle night cannot use more to morning at non-adult. (place this example somewhere else or add sentences before that will set the example up. By doing this, the reader will be able to understand your points, in contrast, to not being able to make sense of it. However, I can see where you are going with this).

Input and opinions:

Your essay is filled with grammar mistakes, however, they can be easily corrected with one or two proofreads and a few revisions.

Your points are strong however they need more elaboration and clarity. If this is a research paper, try and provide direct quotes to back up what you are saying.

I realize that you may have not finished your essay but make sure you finish it off with a strong conclusion paragraph that summarizes your points that support your overall stance on the issue . Also, please add a thesis at the beginning of your body paragraph that gives a brief overview of the topics you are going to discuss in the following paragraphs. I could not find the thesis statement for some reason. Maybe that is just me, I don't know.

Overall, the only thing that hinders this essay's potential in my opinion, are the grammar mistakes. Fix those and you will be on the right track.

Good Luck.

Henr247

Aug 25, 2015

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Do people view things from the same perspective? [5]

Your ideas are concise , however, I would try to correct some of the grammar mistakes that are located in your essay. However, since you have only twenty-five minutes to write at least four paragraphs, grammar mistakes are very minor.

As for the content itself:

I like how you used the Great Gatsby as one of your examples. You should always have several books in mind when trying to provide support. If you are finding yourself lacking examples in literature, I suggest that you go to Sparknotes and read the summaries of major books in which high school English tend to assign, such as: How To Kill a Mockingbird, One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, or Catcher in the Rye.

Try and provide an example from history as it is always filled with examples that pertain to social characteristics such as perspective.
For instance, you can talk about the Cold War and how the political perspectives of the United States and the USSR resulted in tension that lasted all the till the fall of the Soviet Union. This could serve as example of how perspectives could differentiate from one another.

By providing a third example, you can strengthen your argument even more and fill in some of the gaps that are scattered in the previous paragraphs.

Overall, I would give this essay a nine out of twelve. The ideas in which you propose are great but need a bit more elaboration. The body paragraphs, especially, should contain at least 5- 8 sentences. The beginning and conclusions paragraphs can be short. However, try to formulate a "so what" line at the end of your essay. You want your the reader to care about your opinion by telling him or her why should a topic, such as perspective, should be essential to the world and real life itself.

If you keep these tips in mind and practice writing your essays under timed conditions, I am confident you can score a 10 or above on your SAT essays.

Best of luck.

Henr247

Aug 25, 2015

Undergraduate / Self- Reflection Personal Statement For UC admissions [4]

UC Admissions Personal Statements: (Required word count - 1000 words maximum)

Hi guys, I am relatively new to this website so please forgive me if the format is wrong. I have been working on my personal statement throughout the entire summer and I just finished noting all of my ideas down. However, I have trouble condensing both of my essays to meet the 1000 word requirement for UC personal statements. If any of you guys can offer any feedback on condensing my essay or how to improve my essay, then it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank You.

Prompt # 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Many people regard their childhood to be the most important years of their life. It is common for people refer to their childhood years to be the best year of the life; however, to me it was a mixed bag. Although there were some memorable moments in my childhood, a majority of the moments were overshadowed by my shyness and social anxiety.

I have dealt with the issue of social anxiety for almost a huge portion of my life. This fear I had with myself sucked the joy out of my life as I could never really fit into a crowd. I had always felt that I was the odd man of a group even with my closest friends.

In an attempt integrate me into social circles with my peers, my parents decided to buy me a video game console so I would have something in common with my peers. At the beginning, playing video games was great as I bonded with friends over it. However, over several years, my fascination with video games had turned into an addiction that almost took over my life.

I carried this emotional weight of social anxiety throughout my adolescence but always tried to ignore it by holding my social anxiety up in a bottle and trying to throw it under the rug. Videos games, at that time, were a place where I could vent and remedy my own problems. I was disillusioned by the reality that video games brought into my world and was sucked into it.

However, once my grades started to decline steeply, my parents had stripped me of my video game privileges for the remainder of my high school life. At that point, I was a broken man. Video games were the only motivations for me to do well in. But once my video games were taken away from me, I lost all motivation all of a sudden and struggled in school, dealing with the emotional baggage for several months after the incident.

After realizing from my mistakes, I felt deep regret for what I had done. All that time, I was studying for exams for the privilege of indulging in video games instead of embracing education in which other people strived for in another country.

All of these negative feelings resulted in anger. I was angry at the fact that I could not be the man my parents wanted to be and was angry at myself for all of the mistakes that I had committed.

I tried to turn to my parents and friends for help but felt too ashamed to admit my mistakes.
During the lowest point of my teenage life, I managed to find a new which was martial arts. After searching for several schools, I had finally joined a Tae Kwon Do dojang which turned my life around.

Martial arts had saved my life in a sense that it gave me purpose to continue on a path of academics. Instead of wandering around in the cloud of my own problems, martial arts helped me break through those obstacles and opened eyes to a world I never thought was possible which was being able to socialize with people without fear.

Before my martial arts journey, I often wondered of what purpose I had in life and felt as if I were just a living soul, wandering in the world of the living with no real goals or ambitions. I had quit many of the classes that I had no passion for, in which my parents enrolled into, which only worsened the feeling of not being someone who had achieved something in life. But training under my master's guidance, I realized that main goal aside from doing well in school was the get a black belt.

After persevering through my master's intense regime, I had finally obtained my black belt by my junior year of high school. To many people, getting a black belt indicates a symbol of mastery and prowess. However, to me, it signified the long journey I had to endure to achieve a goal that was worthwhile.

My training in Tae Kwon Do has motivated me to stay true to myself and tackle all of my academic obstacles with a new found sense of confidence. Instead of letting my failures of my get the better of me, I decided to defy against my own fears and other peoples belief that I would not live up to their expectations.

Reflecting back on my marital arts journey, the only regret that I have about training in martial arts is not being able to join sooner. Although my time for training in martial arts is limited due to the fact that I will be starting my last year of high school, I am still determined to make the best of all of the opportunities I have to train and try to keep an open mind to what Tae Kwon Do has in store for me.