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The internet has transformed, but is still causing newer and newer problems


bany1020 1 / 1  
Aug 25, 2015   #1
The internet has transformed the way information is shared and consumed, but it has also created problems that did not exist before. What are the most serious problems associated with the internet and what solutions can you suggest?

The internet has varied the method information is cycled and expended the process, but it has likewise made resolutions that did not exist before. The majority of problems can trigger the effects in our society and another lifestyle and when we are addicted the internet. (or when addicted people on the internet)

Nowadays, (I think) the most problem is social network service(SNS). It has various users internationally. Many people have been sharing and distributing information or their life story each other on websites. However, some solutions addicted and too much spend time (people) on internet websites even except their living. Just in case to be possible generated (to) a lack of sleep, loss of eyesight, bed posture. It can be evoked to physical problems.

Furthermore(moreover), according to the development of internet network, which has gradual been going up and expanding on our lifestyle. On the other hand, we are exposed our private information. Therefore, we are likely to get stressed out by hacker. The computer users for a long time that trigger troubles mentally on people who would use the internet to be affected on mental such as mental congestion and chronic problems.

In addition, the internet network is guaranteed anonymity, which is possible to cause massive problems, respectively. Someone may be injured by anonymity, who may be helpful it. Due to without no limit ages on the internet user. Everybody can access on internet websites which include enormous information. Especially, it is for children negatively. They can be easily access through anonymity to pornographic etc.

In conclusion, government should introduce to limit spending time and anonymity. To solve this controversy, it will not definitely clarify the resolutions. For example, to take a break time after uses(using) 3 hours and from middle night cannot use more to morning at non-adult.

Henr247 1 / 3 4  
Aug 25, 2015   #2
Hi bany1020,

Let me proofread the essay for you before I provide my input:

but (Use transitions - like However, so it won't sound like a run-on sentence) it has likewise made resolutions (diction: solutions) that did (had) not exist(ed) before. The majority of problems can trigger the effects in our society and another (our) lifestyle and when we are addicted the internet. (or when addicted people on the internet) , (such as internet addiction. )

Nowadays (In the present day), (I think the most problem is ( I believe a major issue with the internet is the social network service(SNS).) It The SNS has various users internationally.

Many people have been sharing and distributing (their personal) information or their life story (to) each other on websites. However, some solutions (try and separate solutions from the problems in order to clarify your points) addicted and too much spend time (people) on internet websites even except their living.

Just in case to be possible generated (to) a lack of sleep, loss of eyesight, bed posture. It can be evoked to physical problems. ( Are you talking about the physical effects of internet addiction? )

Furthermore(moreover), according to the development of internet network, which has gradual been going up(gradually) and (further) expanding on (into) our lifestyle, (keep going... there is a cutoff here for some reason - according to the development of the internet network, ... the information that they have collected. The first sentence of this paragraph is incomplete.) On the other hand (Yet) , we are exposed our private information (Our private information is exposed). Therefore, we are likely to get stressed out by hacker(s).

(People who are on the internet) The computer users for a long time (unclear- place this somewhere else) that (who) trigger(s) troubles mentally on people (conjunction) who would use the internet to be affected on mental (are subjected or exposed to metal problems) such as mental congestion and chronic problems. (Please clarify this sentence. Are the problems directed to the internet users or someone else? I just corrected the sentences to how I see fit. You are welcome to take my suggestions if you feel that they will improve your sentences.)

In addition (finally), the internet network is guaranteed anonymity, which is possible to cause (can potentially cause) massive problems, respectively . (For example,) someone may be injured by anonymity, who may be helpful it. Due to without no limit ages (no age limitations) on the internet user(s), every(one) can access websites on the internet that include enormous information. Especially, it is for children negatively. They can be easily access through anonymity to pornographic etc.

(Children, especially, are effected negatively the most, as the can be easily exposed to inappropriate sites that may contain content such as pornography, etc. - just a rewrite of this sentence so it sounds clear and succinct.)

In conclusion, government should introduce (laws or reforms - try to explain what the government should exactly do) to (that) limit (the) spending time and anonymity (of ?, ex. internet users.)

To solve this controversy, it will not (it will not clarify? I am confused. - try and elaborate as to who "it" is directed to) definitely clarify the resolutions.

For example, to take a break time after uses(using) 3 hours and from middle night cannot use more to morning at non-adult. (place this example somewhere else or add sentences before that will set the example up. By doing this, the reader will be able to understand your points, in contrast, to not being able to make sense of it. However, I can see where you are going with this).

Input and opinions:

Your essay is filled with grammar mistakes, however, they can be easily corrected with one or two proofreads and a few revisions.

Your points are strong however they need more elaboration and clarity. If this is a research paper, try and provide direct quotes to back up what you are saying.

I realize that you may have not finished your essay but make sure you finish it off with a strong conclusion paragraph that summarizes your points that support your overall stance on the issue . Also, please add a thesis at the beginning of your body paragraph that gives a brief overview of the topics you are going to discuss in the following paragraphs. I could not find the thesis statement for some reason. Maybe that is just me, I don't know.

Overall, the only thing that hinders this essay's potential in my opinion, are the grammar mistakes. Fix those and you will be on the right track.

Good Luck.
OP bany1020 1 / 1  
Aug 26, 2015   #3
dear. Henr247

thanks for your feedback. I accept your advice. . .


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