HoNoRStudent
Jul 21, 2009
Poetry / "Winter Day", "Fall" - Review My Poems. [8]
I'm pretty young, barely a teen, and my work is very amateur, but I really would like some criticism. My English teacher is useless in that department as he knows little on the subject. I want to improve my writing, but without a second opinion, that has become quite difficult.
I wrote this poem one day last winter and i got negative feedback at a poem website. No one would tell me what i did wrong, but simply that it was poorly written.
A Winter Day
The cold air teasing my neck,
Making me wish I had brought a scarf
The subtle crunch of my shoes into the snow
I stop and look over to the hill,
It hides shyly beneath its white sheet
Silence ensues, complete peace and utter blank
White light reflecting off the blanketed ground
Trees bare their pure jackets with glowing pride
And slowly from the rays of the sun
A single cold drop falls on my shoulder
and I wrote this one afternoon in Fall-
Fall
The wind blows against the trees,
Tempting the leaves into a pleasant dance,
The air chilly, with the scent of spices,
Wafting from kitchen windows.
With every step, crackle goes another leaf,
Their array of colors brilliant,
Their swift movements graceful and entrancing.
Every sense clouding with autumn's unyielding possession.
We savor this time,
Because o' too soon,
Its transient favor will blow away,
Leaving the trees bare and the mood cold.
I'm pretty young, barely a teen, and my work is very amateur, but I really would like some criticism. My English teacher is useless in that department as he knows little on the subject. I want to improve my writing, but without a second opinion, that has become quite difficult.
I wrote this poem one day last winter and i got negative feedback at a poem website. No one would tell me what i did wrong, but simply that it was poorly written.
A Winter Day
The cold air teasing my neck,
Making me wish I had brought a scarf
The subtle crunch of my shoes into the snow
I stop and look over to the hill,
It hides shyly beneath its white sheet
Silence ensues, complete peace and utter blank
White light reflecting off the blanketed ground
Trees bare their pure jackets with glowing pride
And slowly from the rays of the sun
A single cold drop falls on my shoulder
and I wrote this one afternoon in Fall-
Fall
The wind blows against the trees,
Tempting the leaves into a pleasant dance,
The air chilly, with the scent of spices,
Wafting from kitchen windows.
With every step, crackle goes another leaf,
Their array of colors brilliant,
Their swift movements graceful and entrancing.
Every sense clouding with autumn's unyielding possession.
We savor this time,
Because o' too soon,
Its transient favor will blow away,
Leaving the trees bare and the mood cold.