singr7
Oct 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / Money is a measure of success- Agree or disagree? [4]
Thank you @eddies and @katevb. This feedback is specific and valuable. I need more coaching advice in presenting the argument coherently and composing focused and succinct paragraphs- essentially organizing the ideas, arguments and conclusions. Please look at below and let me know how i can transition between paragraphs. Is it coming like a discussion and similar to what @eddies gave a break-up for intro, what can be the conclusion?
Here is the revised essay for your kind review. thank you..
Money could change people's lives. As such, it is argued that a successful person can be measured by how much they could earn. While this idea is more acceptable in our society, other factors should be taken into account. This essay will discuss how the definition of success varies and money may not be at the center of it.
Let's look at a few examples from contemporary world. Steve Jobs, founder of Apple Inc, is known for his creative genius and passion rather than his considerable wealth. In this case, success can be defined by the impact created on people and disrupting the innovation.
For some success means power. Current prime minister of India , Narendra Modi is a perfect example of a powerful politician who is very successful yet do not possess any considerable wealth. If we look around, we will observe that in this maddening rush to earn more money, we miss spending times with our family and friends. It sounds like an old school thought but to many this realization comes late and obscures their deifintion of success when they have too many regrets in life for missing out on the small things in life, we may not consider oursleves successful in spite of having a great bank balance.
Joining army to serve one's country than pursuing that high paying career opportunity, feeling ecstatic and accomplished to scale the highest mountain peak of world, leaving a high paying corporate job to join a NGO in a remote village, these are some of the several examples around us which make us believe that there is lot more to success than just money.
Thank you @eddies and @katevb. This feedback is specific and valuable. I need more coaching advice in presenting the argument coherently and composing focused and succinct paragraphs- essentially organizing the ideas, arguments and conclusions. Please look at below and let me know how i can transition between paragraphs. Is it coming like a discussion and similar to what @eddies gave a break-up for intro, what can be the conclusion?
Here is the revised essay for your kind review. thank you..
Money could change people's lives. As such, it is argued that a successful person can be measured by how much they could earn. While this idea is more acceptable in our society, other factors should be taken into account. This essay will discuss how the definition of success varies and money may not be at the center of it.
Let's look at a few examples from contemporary world. Steve Jobs, founder of Apple Inc, is known for his creative genius and passion rather than his considerable wealth. In this case, success can be defined by the impact created on people and disrupting the innovation.
For some success means power. Current prime minister of India , Narendra Modi is a perfect example of a powerful politician who is very successful yet do not possess any considerable wealth. If we look around, we will observe that in this maddening rush to earn more money, we miss spending times with our family and friends. It sounds like an old school thought but to many this realization comes late and obscures their deifintion of success when they have too many regrets in life for missing out on the small things in life, we may not consider oursleves successful in spite of having a great bank balance.
Joining army to serve one's country than pursuing that high paying career opportunity, feeling ecstatic and accomplished to scale the highest mountain peak of world, leaving a high paying corporate job to join a NGO in a remote village, these are some of the several examples around us which make us believe that there is lot more to success than just money.