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Money is a measure of success- Agree or disagree?


singr7 1 / 2 2  
Oct 24, 2015   #1
IELTS Academic task- I would like feedback on the writing task. Exact topic is:
A successful person is one who earns a lot of money. To what extent you agree or disagree. Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experiences.

Word- minimum 250 words

One can not deny the importance of money as a perceived measure of success in our society. But it is certainly debatable if this is the best measure of any successful person.

Lets take a few examples from contemporary world. Consider Steve Jobs. Steve didn't feature in list of worlds's top 100 Forbes Rich people however, he is regarded one of the most successful entrepreneurs and visionaries. He inspired many for not his wealth portfolio but for his great creative genius and passion at work.

We can argue Steve Job was still rich. Lets look at an example from political world. The current Indian prime minister Narendra Modi hails from a very humble background and doesn't possess a wealth portfolio. He is a successful leader and head of largerst democracy with very basic personal amenities.

Another example from a non-corporate and non-political world, Dasrath Manjhi also known as "The Mountain Man" who was a poor laborer in a remote Indian village. He carved a path through a hillock all by himself using only a hammer and chisel. After 22 years of his work, Dasrath shortened travel between his village and nearest hospital from 40 miles to just 10 miles. He was very poor but regarded as a successful reformer and inspiration to many.

In conclusion, there are so many different aspects which drive success like courage, creativity, pride, kindness and sometimes as simple as be able to spend lot of time with family and friends. Money is just secondary.

katevb 3 / 4 4  
Oct 24, 2015   #2
First off, let me say that your essay is very good in terms of applying the English language.
That being said, I am afraid that your essay relies far too heavily on examples. Within each of the three examples, you do not really elaborate on your thoughts on how wealth and success relate.

I think you can look at Steve Jobs, but you should perhaps not mention his wealth, as it is substantial. Perhaps discuss how people first think of him for his genius, not for his considerable wealth.

Narendra Modi is very powerful, this might be something to mention. Does power = success?
Dasrath Manjhi was successful in his efforts to reform, this is true. But is this what we mean by "successful" in our society today?

Perhaps spend some time discussing what you think "success" means in our society and then discuss if you think money is a necessary indicator of this. It might end up being the case that, because of how we view success today, that money is necessary to indicate a successful person
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Oct 24, 2015   #3
One can not deny the importance of money as a perceived measure of success in our society. But it is certainly debatable if this is the best measure of any successful person.

Well, I think you need to rewrite this intro, since I did not see any overall improvement on the way you present this. It is always good to develop your intro into:

1. Background information
2. Thesis statement
3. Outline

Money could change people's lives. As such, it is argued that a successful person can be measured by how much they could earn.While this idea is more acceptable, it is claimed that other factors should be taken into account.This essay will discuss how luck and hard work bring people a change of success
OP singr7 1 / 2 2  
Oct 25, 2015   #4
Thank you @eddies and @katevb. This feedback is specific and valuable. I need more coaching advice in presenting the argument coherently and composing focused and succinct paragraphs- essentially organizing the ideas, arguments and conclusions. Please look at below and let me know how i can transition between paragraphs. Is it coming like a discussion and similar to what @eddies gave a break-up for intro, what can be the conclusion?

Here is the revised essay for your kind review. thank you..

Money could change people's lives. As such, it is argued that a successful person can be measured by how much they could earn. While this idea is more acceptable in our society, other factors should be taken into account. This essay will discuss how the definition of success varies and money may not be at the center of it.

Let's look at a few examples from contemporary world. Steve Jobs, founder of Apple Inc, is known for his creative genius and passion rather than his considerable wealth. In this case, success can be defined by the impact created on people and disrupting the innovation.

For some success means power. Current prime minister of India , Narendra Modi is a perfect example of a powerful politician who is very successful yet do not possess any considerable wealth. If we look around, we will observe that in this maddening rush to earn more money, we miss spending times with our family and friends. It sounds like an old school thought but to many this realization comes late and obscures their deifintion of success when they have too many regrets in life for missing out on the small things in life, we may not consider oursleves successful in spite of having a great bank balance.

Joining army to serve one's country than pursuing that high paying career opportunity, feeling ecstatic and accomplished to scale the highest mountain peak of world, leaving a high paying corporate job to join a NGO in a remote village, these are some of the several examples around us which make us believe that there is lot more to success than just money.


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