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Posts by Asri [Suspended]
Name: Surya
Joined: Nov 27, 2015
Last Post: Dec 1, 2015
Threads: 2
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From: Indonesia

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Asri   
Dec 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Factory farming vs traditional farming method [2]

In recent years, farming practice has change to include methods such as factory farming and the use of technology to improve crops. Some people believe these developments are necessary, while others regard them as dangerous and advocate a return to more traditional farming method.

Discuss both point of views and give your own opinion.
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In the past decade, the development of farming method has change how people producing foods. Some people say that this kind of improvement has been benefit for humankind while the others think that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. Thus, the analysis of both side of argument will be presented in this essay.

There are several factors that support factory farming on agriculture. One is that the growth rate of population has increased dramatically over the past decades, and people requiring more food than in the past. It can be also argued that today people need more efficient way producing more products on the same land area in the same location in order to reduce the cost of production. It can be also underline that the productivity of farmer is getting better by applied these techinique. Thus, it is clear that the technique has contributed to an increased availability of food at cheaper rates.

Conversly, the one who support enivromentally friendly farming methods base their argument on health and environment. It is claim that the factory farming's products bring too much dangerous substance. For example, pathogens, antibiotics, chemical, and bacteria lead to increased health risks. In fact, some have predicted that it could lead to diseases like Alzheimer's or other kinds of mental illness. It can be also argued that a large quantity and concentrate of animal waste contribute to world environmental degradation.

The positives and negative arguments of factory farming have been presented above. In my personal belief is that people have to pay attention about the long-term dangerous of factory farming. Futhermore, there should be an extensive research that developed traditionals farming to increase their productivity in order to provide food in an efficient way.
Asri   
Nov 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / TASK2. Should government levy a tariff on junk food or not? [2]

... since some methods are still likely more effective like , cooking creating by a hand-made in the home, and encouraging citizen through the advertisement.

...creating by a hand-made... , you can just said cook or serve meals instead of using those phrase

Recently, by consuming junk food excessively ...

... people tend to be addicted into those foods.

For example, mothers should persuadeattract their children to stay away withfrom junk food by creating thea variety of foods.

... influence of mass media through a well-advertisement really affect ...
... 55% Canadian experienced problems with obesity, but decreased by 35% in 2007 through advertisement influence.
... by involving the whole of stakeholders in school.

Government justis able to give awareness ...

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Hi Rahmat Fadhil!

Your essay is quite clear just get some work how the government can encourage people to a better eating habits in paragraph 2. In addition, you still have to explain in some condition which support the idea of increasing tax rate. it would be a great idea to discourage people to buy a junk food, by increase the price of it.

good luck!
Asri   
Nov 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Rising Tax of Junk Food Can Reduce Health Problems [2]

Here's my comment about your essay

... governments have to legalisea higher-rate tax tax rate of junk food ...

... if the regulation is launchedreleased .

... to decline the distribution with by rising taxes for these varieties of meals. In consequent, the price of fast food will be higher more expensive, and it may encourage people to think thinking twice for about buying and consuming the meal repetitively.

... search other meals which is not only cheaper but also more healthy healthier and save their ...

However, the governments may find a new problems when the regulation is decided. First consequence is that the restaurants which have the products will be bankrupt since they cannot pay the tax and add their cost to distribute it, so the governments may lose their income from this sector. (commonly, a restaurant which cannot generate income is going to bankrupt. So it couldn't become bankrupt just because they don't pay the taxes).

... the governments have blocked up their business operation .

Yet, the governments should think seriously about the properidealrate for tax tax rate and cooperative relationship, so the restaurants obtaincan be sustainable as well as the governments gain potential profit
Asri   
Nov 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2- Space Exploration is too Expensive [3]

Hi guys, please kindly check my essay, thanks a lot before for your help! =)

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The Space Exploration is too expensive and the money should be spent on important things.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, the money that spent on researches is increasing from year to year. Even space research, which need a huge amount of money compare to other researches. It's agreed that the cost of space research is too expensive and the money should be reallocated to essential things. This essay will bePutting more attention to solve current problems and explored another resource in the earth will show this.

Firstly, the contribution of space exploration is still insignificant for human kind while on the earth people need help. For example, on emerging countries' common problem are people starve, breath polluted air and drink contaminated water. Unfortunately, this kind of problem supposed to be put on first to be solved. Thus this makes it clear that why spend money on important things is better than spending on space exploration.

Secondly, the earth itself is not fully explored yet. Both unexplored area and potential resource is useful for human to survive in this time or even in the future. For instance, the alternative energy that could fulfill the demand of energy to anticipate the crisis energy that the scientists predict will be happened in the future. From this it becomes quiet evidence that the money should be allocated more to explore the earth.

In summary, the space exploration is not as important as the earth exploration itself. It's proved that too much money is spent for space exploration. After analyzing this subject, there should be a limitation of space exploration budget and paying more attention to human's problem in the earth.
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