Posts by jon4659

jon4659

Jan 13, 2016

Undergraduate / Macalester College application essay; add a value to the Mac community, academically and personally [4]

Thanks very much! Is there anything you would advise I change about the content? I wanted to make sure I hit all the criteria well

jon4659

Jan 11, 2016

Undergraduate / Macalester College application essay; add a value to the Mac community, academically and personally [4]

Macalester is a community that includes people from many different backgrounds, some who have lived around the world and others who have lived in one place their entire lives. Please write an essay about how your background, experiences, or outlook might add to the Mac community, academically and personally. (250-500 words).

I think that this essay definitely needs some work however I was not sure how to go about it, I think my section on education is a little brief and the rest too long. I was not sure whether to write less on the background part or broaden it out instead.

Where I live there is an extremely small proportion of people from other backgrounds, because of that I have little experience with other cultures. This means that around me there is often a narrow-minded view of other cultures, religions and backgrounds. I have never quite understood what made people think this way so I have always kept an open-mind about others. Coupled with my love of learning and finding new things, this means I love meeting with completely different people and learning about them. Because my experiences with other cultures are limited, this makes me value them all the more as it is not often I can experience people who are completely different to me.

Coming from England I feel that I can provide a feeling of what life is like in a country which although has the same language and ideology is actually full of differences, not just in obvious physical differences like the education system and government. But the feeling of "same but different" is a often hard to describe feeling.

I hope at Macalester I can show people how being apart from different people does not mean you become ignorant of them, the opposite can definitely be true, in fact, the absence of many other cultures has made me more fascinated with them. I can provide a viewpoint which can help people to understand that the differences between people are in fact something that should be learned about rather than disregarded or shunned.

Throughout my life I have loved learning, taking extra classes and after school activities are things I have always done in order to learn more. However, what disappoints me the most in my peers is the view of education as being a necessary evil in order to achieve later in life. I find that the top performing students in my college are often the ones who complain the most about lessons and how much they wish to be out yet constantly talk about how they absolutely must have the best grade to get into the best university to get the best job that exists. This is not what education should be about, by valuing the lessons I attend and not viewing school as a necessary evil I feel like I have gained more from my time there than my peers who get perfect exam results.

To conclude, what I can contribute to Macalester is the idea that being apart from other cultures does not mean that you become insensitive and narrow-minded, in fact it can provide the opposite and can encourage people to learn about others rather than ignore. I hope to encourage people to look at learning as an incredibly important aspect of life, something that is far more important than the grades they will get at the end.

jon4659

Jan 11, 2016

Writing Feedback / BRINGING UP CHILDREN BY GRANDPARENTS IS GOOD OR NOT? [3]

Hi,
This essay needs depth, the entire essay is essentially a list of reasons for or against with no evidence to back it up. For example you state "First old people become busy by young children and are not alone. Therefore, they become less depressed." How do you know this? Is there an article or paper you pulled this from which you have forgot to reference? Are old people depressed to begin with? If so, how do you know this?

Asking yourself these questions will vastly improve this essay, if you provide evidence, details and examples you will have a strong essay rather than a list.

On the other hand you have a good grasp of how an essay should be structured, looking at both sides of the argument is an essential skill and your conclusion rounds things off nicely.

So just add what I have mentioned above and you will have a fantastic essay!

jon4659

Jan 11, 2016

Writing Feedback / A rule of the same percentage of male and female learners in a school shouldn't apply - it's harmful [6]

Hi,
After reading your essay I can see the point you are trying to make however I think it would be improved if at least you considered the other side of the argument.

Here you have listed off reasons why there should not be equal numbers of male and female students in each subject and not considered why there in fact should be.

For example if you wrote:
"However, there are some benefits to having equal numbers of students, for example [Insert example here]. However although this is a good reason it still does not mean that there should be equal numbers because..."

This will demonstrate that you are capable of understanding both sides of the argument rather than just the one you agree with.

jon4659

Nov 30, 2015

Undergraduate / The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award. [11]

Is this version better? Am i on the right track with this one?

jon4659

Nov 29, 2015

Undergraduate / The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award. [11]

I tried rewriting it completely and am a lot happier with the result. Is this the direction I should be taking?

The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award.
The DofE award was something I had often heard about from other people but had never looked into myself. When starting Sixth Form I was determined to apply myself in more ways than just academic, everyone goes that route. I wanted to do something which would really help me experience more things other than daily college activities. The DofE Gold award was the perfect answer to me, I would not just be exploring one activity, I would be discovering four different activities for the first time. Along the way I would do community service and work with new people which would build my character in a way which would benefit others, not just myself

The three activities which I feel had the biggest impact on my character were boxing, volunteering at my local shop and a residential in the Scottish Highlands. Boxing built on my natural inquisitive nature and encouraged me to be more bold in making decisions to do things. Volunteering was a fantastic opportunity, it made me think more about what I could do for people not for myself and the residential was a demonstration of my ability to keep going even under miserable circumstances

Boxing was utterly different to what I would normally do, I have always gone on solitary bike rides or runs for exercise, I had never done anything that different. Taking the step to start boxing was huge for me, the equivalent to going on stage for the first time in front of a huge crowd. When i first stepped into the gym and saw people leaping forward to hit each other I immediately thought "this is going to be the worst six months of my life". But I quickly disregarded this and decided that I would simply have to throw myself into it and do the best I could. This decision to go straight in was not only the correct decision to make, but also demonstrated how trying my hardest to overcome a challenge was a fundamental part of my character. Over the 6 months I went boxing I became extremely more confident in myself. Taking the biggest step I could seemed the natural thing to do now. It changed my character in a way that affected me throughout my life.

When I had completed the boxing section it was time for my residential. This ended up being a clear demonstration of my newfound confidence and determination to overcome challenges. With the exception of 1 person, the 7 people who I shared the residential with turned out to have absolutely no regard for their companions. Coupled with the mountain walking in heavy snow and exhausting treks along hilltops It was possibly the most miserable week I have had for a long time. But I decided early on that I would simply have to put the maximum effort in and weather the unending unpleasantries of my companions. In the end I not only completed the residential I was able to often outperform many of my companions, all of whom were fitter and stronger than me. My determined nature and desire to not give up made sure I completed it with flying colours.

The volunteering in my local shop was probably the best character-enhancing activity I did as it did not benefit me, it benefited the people around me. having to get up early on a Saturday and work for free in my community meant that I understood that enhancing my character did not just mean myself, it also meant that by bettering myself as a person it would better other people as a result. Community service helped to build up a sense that helping people was not just doing a stint at a shop for a year, it was to do it all the time, not just when you were told to do it

The DofE award really helped to shape my character, I had always been nervous about trying new things even though I am fascinated by the world around me, it changed me as person as I realised that being confident was actually a fundamental part of me, I should step back from looking at the final goal and concentrate on the steps towards it.

@justivy03 Thank you very much, this support I am receiving from both of you is incredibly useful, especially as I have never written something like this before!

jon4659

Nov 29, 2015

Undergraduate / The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award. [11]

Hmmm okay. The approach I was trying to go for was that doing these new and different activities I was inspired to step further out into the world. As a fundamental part of my character is my constant interest in the world, the DofE award encouraged me to go further while applying values such as community service through volunteering. I considered emphasizing the community service part of the essay but what I got most out of the award was the confidence to "take the extra step".

I'll rewrite it again taking into account your advice as I definitely have lots to write which I could have entered.
Thanks very much again for the assistance

@justivy03
This essay is for applying to the University of Washington, not for the DofE! Apologies for not making that clear

jon4659

Nov 29, 2015

Undergraduate / The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award. [11]

Updated draft - Is this cut down enough?
...

jon4659

Nov 29, 2015

Undergraduate / The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award. [11]

I was told by admissions tutors that the DofE award is well known however I do agree that this is a bit too descriptive.
Thanks very much for the critical feedback!

jon4659

Nov 29, 2015

Undergraduate / The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award. [11]

"Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it" 600 words

The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award.
The DofE award was something I had often heard about from other people but had never looked into myself. When starting Sixth Form I was determined to apply myself in more ways than just academic, everyone goes that route. I wanted to do something which would really help me experience more things other than daily college activities. The DofE Gold award was the perfect answer to me, I would not just be exploring one activity, I would be discovering four different activities for the first time.

The three activities which I felt meant the most to me were Boxing, playing the lute and volunteering at my shop. I had little to none experience with them but I was determined to try something new.

Although thousands of people do the DofE award around the globe, It meant a huge amount to me, I have always been an inquisitive person, more interested in learning about the world around me than anything else but until now I had mostly done this through lessons, conversations with field experts or endless online research. Now I would be doing more than just learning about a thing, I would be doing that thing.

Boxing was utterly different to what I would normally do as a sport, I have always been a track athlete, I preferred challenging myself to do the best rather than challenging another. Boxing meant that I would have to throw away this rather solitary approach to exercise and instead engage in an activity where it was literally about beating the other person! When starting, I was slightly worried about what I would experience, would my lack of skill mean I would be relegated to the back seat for sessions? Or would I be unable to keep up with the other members?These fears turned out to be utterly pointless, the instructors made sure I was fighting with the best of them and although the sessions were incredibly exhausting I was able to keep up. At the end of the 6-month period, I found that not only had I achieved my goal I had also enjoyed it massively. Even though it was an activity which was the polar opposite to my character I was able to gain a huge amount of enjoyment out of the activity.

Learning the lute was the activity I was most excited for, not only would I be learning to play an instrument (something I had wanted to do for a while), I would be playing one which half of the people I told had never heard of. Playing the lute is an activity I am still doing and hopefully will continue throughout my life, although the music I play is completely different than the music I enjoy listening the playing of such a fun instrument is a reward in its own right.

The volunteering in my local shop was probably the best character-enhancing activity I did, having to get up early on a Saturday and work for free in my community meant that I understood that the main point of it was not to complete a section of my award but to actually help the people in my community. it really helped me to look beyond the award itself and see what it actually stands for.

The DofE award really helped to shape my character, I had always been nervous about trying new things even though I am fascinated by the world around me, it changed me as person as I realised that being confident was actually a fundamental part of me.