Posts by AhmadShahnawaz

AhmadShahnawaz

Dec 9, 2015

Undergraduate / LEYSIN AMERICA SCHOOL, SWITZERLAND APPLICATION ESSAY [4]

I really like it. You connect the person with yourself and answer the question very well. In terms of conveying information, it tells the reader exactly what he wants to know and answers the question. In terms of college admissions, I'm a bit unsure because it doesn't show why you'd be a more attractive candidate over others.

Also, just my two cents, I'd rate this as a 8/10 right now, but as you're a muslim woman, you have a wealth of experiences that are very 'in the now' in the media. The media always cries about how Islam is incompatible with feminism and western values, and an essay on that would be a killer, IMO.

AhmadShahnawaz

Dec 9, 2015

Undergraduate / "Doc! This one's about to die!". Caltech 'Unusual way in which you have fun' Essay. (200 Words) [4]

The essay was a maximum 200 words, mine stands somewhere around 185. What do you think? Is it too little or too much?

AhmadShahnawaz

Dec 9, 2015

Writing Feedback / Which corrupts more, power or powerlessness? [5]

I really do like the middle and conclusion of the essay. They read nicely, flow well and present a logical chain of thought. However, the introduction is about as generic as you can get, try to start with something related to the topic. You presenting the topic in the second paragraph is a rather unconventional idea but you can make it work if the introduction tells the reader of what's coming.

AhmadShahnawaz

Dec 9, 2015

Undergraduate / "Doc! This one's about to die!". Caltech 'Unusual way in which you have fun' Essay. (200 Words) [4]

Prompt: Caltech students have long been known for their quirky sense of humor, whether it be through planning creative pranks, building elaborate party sets, or even the year-long preparation that goes into our annual Ditch Day. Please describe an unusual way in which you have fun.

The body lays before me, diligently prepared for autopsy. I sigh; it's the fourth one this week. I solemnly nod over to my brother, who giggles and hands me a wrench. It is undoubtedly delicate work, to tear away the plastic flesh of the refrigerator and begin searching for the cause of death. I begin with the organs and it doesn't take me long to find out that the cause of death was due to a compressor failure. My brother leans over, his hands gripping the edge of the table, and asks, "Is there anything you can do, doc?". My head sharply turns and I squint, "Don't be ridiculous, I'm the best 'doct-ineer' in the world".

I've always had a great deal of fun playing doctor with my brother, however, our bodies and patients are not made of flesh and bone, but rather of metal, wires and gears. Whenever an appliance around the house fails, we take it out back to the garage, put on our gloves and get ready for the astounding act of bringing our patient back from the throes of the underworld.