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Posts by majnoun
Joined: Dec 28, 2015
Last Post: Dec 28, 2015
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Posts: 2  
From: United States of America

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majnoun   
Dec 28, 2015
Undergraduate / Question which fascinates me; what's broken; what exciting in ND - University of Notre Dame prompts [4]

Paragraphs 1 and 3 seem ok (paragraph 1 seems a bit contrived, especially at the beginning; for paragraph 3 don't say that your favorite thing about the school is their rank), just need some grammatical polishing. As for paragraph 2:

Please don't say that poverty can't be eliminated because it really, truly can. Poverty is a state in which one can't access basic necessities for life (i.e. food, water, shelter, clothing/shoes). If you're saying that there will always be people who live in abject conditions, you aren't the kind of person that they want at UND. I won't argue the fact that there will always be a low, middle, and upper class, but I know for a fact that "lower class" doesn't have to mean "so entirely lacking in finances as to be unable to access basic human necessities," at least in the future.

-Poverty can't be "corrupt," maybe pervasive
-"I learned that while taking a college class" sounds a bit childish
-"encourage kids for a better life" can be worded better; perhaps "encourage children to seek meaningful opportunities and paths towards success and ultimately, happiness"

-"joining gangs, selling drugs, and committing crimes" woooooahh! Where did this come from? It sounds like it has some condescending undertone and I would d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y remove it. Unless another part of your application relates to helping underprivileged or at-risk kids, this one sentence makes you sound pompous and prejudiced. Not all kids who live in poverty--which contributes for a massive amount of the world's population--join gangs and sell drugs.
majnoun   
Dec 28, 2015
Undergraduate / WPI supplement future academic interests and how attending WPI would fulfill them [2]

First I'd like to say that novels are definitely substantive and can have real world applications. I would reword the textbook/novel comparison. Also, the explanation of economics at the end of the first paragraph is unnecessary. Perhaps you should tell them what economics means to you and why it's so appealing.

Paragraph two has its merits, but can be written better imo. "help its economy and politics" sounds a bit childish; so does "great knowledge." You could say something along the lines of "My dream is to return to my native country and strengthen its economic and political infrastructure" and "exceptional academia but also practical experience." Also, I think the "As a matter of fact . . .stumbled upon WPI" sounds a bit contrived and even condescending. Maybe that's just me, though.

Don't tell them what their classes offer... "This course focuses on the economics of everyday situations and on real world application to the theory provided in class." should focus more on what you will draw from it than what the class teaches.

Lastly, I would consolidate "WPI also provides many internships and work opportunities through its Career Development Program program. I plan on taking full advantage of that at WPI." into one sentence: "I plan to take full advantage of the many internships and work opportunities that WPI offers through its Career Development Program."

Hope this helps, and hope you get in! GL!
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