majnoun
Dec 28, 2015
Undergraduate / Question which fascinates me; what's broken; what exciting in ND - University of Notre Dame prompts [4]
Paragraphs 1 and 3 seem ok (paragraph 1 seems a bit contrived, especially at the beginning; for paragraph 3 don't say that your favorite thing about the school is their rank), just need some grammatical polishing. As for paragraph 2:
Please don't say that poverty can't be eliminated because it really, truly can. Poverty is a state in which one can't access basic necessities for life (i.e. food, water, shelter, clothing/shoes). If you're saying that there will always be people who live in abject conditions, you aren't the kind of person that they want at UND. I won't argue the fact that there will always be a low, middle, and upper class, but I know for a fact that "lower class" doesn't have to mean "so entirely lacking in finances as to be unable to access basic human necessities," at least in the future.
-Poverty can't be "corrupt," maybe pervasive
-"I learned that while taking a college class" sounds a bit childish
-"encourage kids for a better life" can be worded better; perhaps "encourage children to seek meaningful opportunities and paths towards success and ultimately, happiness"
-"joining gangs, selling drugs, and committing crimes" woooooahh! Where did this come from? It sounds like it has some condescending undertone and I would d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y remove it. Unless another part of your application relates to helping underprivileged or at-risk kids, this one sentence makes you sound pompous and prejudiced. Not all kids who live in poverty--which contributes for a massive amount of the world's population--join gangs and sell drugs.
Paragraphs 1 and 3 seem ok (paragraph 1 seems a bit contrived, especially at the beginning; for paragraph 3 don't say that your favorite thing about the school is their rank), just need some grammatical polishing. As for paragraph 2:
Please don't say that poverty can't be eliminated because it really, truly can. Poverty is a state in which one can't access basic necessities for life (i.e. food, water, shelter, clothing/shoes). If you're saying that there will always be people who live in abject conditions, you aren't the kind of person that they want at UND. I won't argue the fact that there will always be a low, middle, and upper class, but I know for a fact that "lower class" doesn't have to mean "so entirely lacking in finances as to be unable to access basic human necessities," at least in the future.
-Poverty can't be "corrupt," maybe pervasive
-"I learned that while taking a college class" sounds a bit childish
-"encourage kids for a better life" can be worded better; perhaps "encourage children to seek meaningful opportunities and paths towards success and ultimately, happiness"
-"joining gangs, selling drugs, and committing crimes" woooooahh! Where did this come from? It sounds like it has some condescending undertone and I would d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y remove it. Unless another part of your application relates to helping underprivileged or at-risk kids, this one sentence makes you sound pompous and prejudiced. Not all kids who live in poverty--which contributes for a massive amount of the world's population--join gangs and sell drugs.