Undergraduate / 'learning about different cultures' - UMich Short Answer-Diversity [4]

"We know that diversity makes us a better university ï better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research." Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan. (approx 250 words)

"Here we are at the Favelas. Please do not take any photographs." As I stepped onto the large muddy stones that tiled the grounds of these steep cliffs, I was greeted by a few dark-skinned men hoping to sell their handcrafted artwork. I politely smiled and focused on the rectangular apartment-looking structures that stacked on top of one another like bricks. Near the power lines, there were intricate tangles of stolen electrical wires spider-webbed into hundreds of these homes. Up the steep inclination of the road were dwellers in tattered shirts along with the venerated drug dealers who literally controlled the guns of the streets. I was right in the heart of the Brazilian slums.

Directly below the cliffs was the affluent city of Rio de Janeiro, which accommodated the most luxurious apartments and beautiful beaches in Brazil. I was stunned: I saw the image of an enormous gap between wealth and poverty all within one turn of a head. However, it was the Favelas that I was mainly interested in. Despite their destitution, the residents were able to establish communities; they had their own divisions of social statuses, education, and shared values and beliefs. In essence, it was the perseverance to thrive that kept these seemingly falling apart societies together.

From this experience, I have come to value the importance of learning about different cultures. My addition to University of Michigan can help others see the world as flexibly as I do: appreciate cultures and respect people's lifestyles. I learned that it is character that builds the foundation of people, not their tangible aspects. I want to pass on this message so others can obtain mutual respect for diversity. Only this time, I will not just observe, but instead make the difference.

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Currently, this short answer is 293 words. The requirement is approximately 250 words. Is there any need to delete, and if so, is there any way I could combine sentences or delete a word here and there to get closer to the suggestion?

Also, any other feedback is appreciated.

Thanks so much!

Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]

Hi, this is my Boston University undergrad admission essay rough draft. However, i am very unsatisfied with it. It doesn't flow well, the level of writing is low, and the word count is 662 words, and needs to be cut down to 500. This is such a terrible essay, and any input on content, grammer, and word-cuts, is greatly appreciated. thanks!

Prompt:
In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

Essay:
What makes a person so likable that he or she is practically indomitable to everyone else? From a superficial standpoint, the popular crowd seems to have what everyone craves for: the money, looks, cars, and confidence. Little do they know that in a couple years, no one will remember what car they drove or what outfits they wore. In actuality, it is the personalities in individuals that will be remembered, especially those who are determined, sociable, and reliable. Those qualities I possess.

A characteristic that projects from me is my reliability. As a leader of my school's American Red Cross Club, I have to constantly help in the organization of fundraisers. There was one specific project that I initiated. Since the holiday season was coming up, I wanted to raise funds by wrapping gifts at the Lord and Taylor department store. The funds would go to Oasis, a non-profit organization dedicated to help women and children in need. Shoppers would have their purchased items wrapped and would leave a donation for the cause. In order to get this project completed, I had to not only present the idea to the president of the club, but also speak to the manager of Lord and Taylor by phone and in person. The Red Cross Club depended on me to organize this huge task because they knew I could get it done. It was a lot of work, and if it weren't for my reliable nature, this event would not have been accomplished.

Along with reliability is determination. I conducted this attitude in everything I did. I always completed my goals, making sure they were finished to my satisfaction. About six months after I got my license, my parents thought it was time for me to get a car, since I had a job and extracurricular activities. They set a tight budget for me, and agreed to buy a safe car that was within the price range. However, I was not satisfied with the cars they chose for me. I searched for hours every day for a month and called up numerous dealerships to see if the car I wanted was available. My parents and I went to a few car dealerships, only to be disappointed either because the car had just been sold, or the online asking price was displayed incorrectly. After these failed attempts, one day, I finally found a stylish, sporty car that had the five-star safety ratings my parents thought was a necessity. In the end, it was my determination is what brought me my current car that I worked so hard to get.

Another important trait that I have is being sociable. Ever since I was young, I was easily able to start conversations. Because of this ability, I quickly made acquaintances because I knew how to engage in long-lasting conversations. Indirectly, my parents also helped me practice my communication skills with the phone. I got the "okay" from my parents to celebrate my sweet sixteen, as long as I did all the planning, made all the phone calls, and booked the appointments. Because they forced me to talk to adults, I learned how to deal with people over the phone and know what to say to them. Because of my sociable aspect, I have an easier time conversing with anyone.

These attributes have positively impacted my life and will certainly contribute to the BU community. Teachers can depend on me to finish my work, and students can trust me to do my part in a school project. I've learned through experience that being reliable is important because people should expect me to do what I say I'll do with quality. My perseverance will transmit through my school work, and my gregarious characteristic will allow me to form immediate friendships among students. Determination gets things done and effective sociability allows communication to be transmitted successfully. These attributes can only help me contribute to the BU community to my best capability.