Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by abstracism
Name: Ramdan Lamato
Joined: Apr 21, 2016
Last Post: Jul 29, 2016
Threads: 2
Posts: 4  
From: Indonesia
School: State University of Gorontalo

Displayed posts: 6
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
abstracism   
Jul 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / First trial of IELTS writing test sample (Task 1) before the real IELTS [6]

You got a point there, Ivy. My biggest obstacle is to transfer the concept from my mind into the proper words in essay. That's why I often cannot finish my essay within the time limit.

Anyway, thank you for encouraging me to write more and more, and I hope be more active in this forum, as this forum provides just what I need in terms of sharpening my writing skills.
abstracism   
Jul 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / First trial of IELTS writing test sample (Task 1) before the real IELTS [6]

Thanks so much for the constructive feedbacks, fellows!

I realized that I hadn't practice my writing for quite a long time, and that eventually turns out to be major obstacle for me.

I am grateful that now I can share my writings here so that I can keep tracking my writing progress, not to mention that the members here are very kind with their feedbacks.

I can't wait to write more and share more from now on.
abstracism   
Jul 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / First trial of IELTS writing test sample (Task 1) before the real IELTS [6]

Hi, writers! I'm planning to take an IELTS test in 1 week more. My friends had recommended me to share my writing in this forum because of so many corrections and insights I can get here. Actually, this is my first time trying to write an essay on IELTS writing test, so you may find errors and misorders of words in my essay. Help me and share your insights on this essay, and rate my essay based on IELTS band system when possible. I beg for harsh critics to help me detect errors and misfits and to polish my writing gradually.

Answer:

The bar graphs illustrate the data of the activities of graduate and post graduate students in United Kingdom who prefer to not work full-timely in 2000

Both of the graphs share similar pattern, where most graduate and post-graduate students sought for advanced comprehension on their expertise as they tended to pursue deeper level of study, while in contrast, volunteers are the least popular destination to go. On 2008, the amount of graduates attending further level of education is 29,665 people, while there were 2,725 post-graduate students who continued to doctoral program. Voluntary jobs did not attract many of 2008 graduates and post-graduates, considering that there are only 3500 volunteers whose bachelor title and 345 post graduates who were willingly to take the voluntary acivities. On the other hand, part-timers and unemployments sit in the second rank and the third rank consecutively, where there were 17,735 bachelors who choose part-time work as their next step, and 2,533 of part-time workers in 2008 backgrounded as masters degree. Furthermore, on 2008, there were 16,235 jobless graduates in UK and 1,625 out of total unemployed people held the masters degree.

*note:
I had tried the timed writing test by myself. This task should spend about 20 minutes and I did not meet the required time to complete my essay. So, any suggestions to work better under time pressure will help. Finally, I beg you guys to be harsh and to-the-point as this acts as better stepping stone for my better writing.

Thank you, may you have a great day!

** For some reasons I could not upload the .jpg file of the bar chart here, but the IELTS sample writing test is from Cambridge IELTS 10th edition, in Test 3.
abstracism   
Apr 26, 2016
Scholarship / Supporting Statements for the Australia Award Scholarship. [2]

masters program of tourism in Monash and Flinders Universities



Help me to proofread my AAS supporting statement essays. I am applying masters program of tourism in Monash and Flinders Universities. I am in crucial need for your insights and critics to shape up my essays. Here are the inquiries:

1.Please describe the efforts you have undertaken so far to obtain information on your study options in Australia?
I have been fascinated and enthusiastic with the Australia Awards Scholarship for 4 years from AAS Presentation in Universitas Negeri Gorontalo and from my lecturers, which happen to be alumni of AAS. The presentation and recommendations from my lecturers provide adequate information and inspiring insights in structuring my plan to expand my study to Australia. Based on my lecturers' recommendation, I conducted an Internet research regarding the scholarship on the official website of AAS and the awardees' personal blogs. The website and the blogs provide an ease to the users in collecting manual guides and forms as well as detailed information of the selection process of the scholarship. Furthermore, I did some observations on official websites of select universities offering possible courses I am concerned in. I observed the components of the courses and the outputs to link with my future goals.

2.Plans after graduating from the scholarship.
One of the careers I concerned in is to pursue the career of a tour planner and developer. My area is a land of prospective tourism objects to be explored. However, in upcoming of fast-paced ASEAN Economic Community, the tourism management still suffers from insufficiencies of researches and breakthroughs in order to compete with others top-notch tourist objects in Indonesia. To cope with that, I plan to work as a tour planner or a travel arranger after finishing my study. I would also intend to cooperate with local government to conduct researches of tourism development in my area.

3.How did you choose your proposed course and institution?
I am applying a masters program in tourism to fulfill my aspiration in contributing to the development of tourism industry in Gorontalo. Gorontalo is rapidly growing to be one of decent tourist destinations in Indonesia and is expected to have sustainable beneficial prospects in tourism industry as one of major income of the area. Nevertheless, the tourism management in the area still suffers from lacks of researches, innovations, and breakthroughs to make use of the potentials to compete with other tourist destinations in Indonesia. Therefore, I would propose to devote myself as a tour planner and developer.

Three years of vocational study on tourism during high school and a bachelor degree of English provide me deep comprehension on the tourism management and development. During my vocational study, I involved myself in practicing my tour guiding skills by guiding various domestic and international tourists in tourism spots in Gorontalo. Those experiences favored during three months of apprenticeship in a major travel industry. During the apprenticeship, I have experienced of handling numbers of customers and arranging various tour package plans. The apprenticeship has polished my skills in tourism planning, management, and development, as well as customer service skills. The skills granted me highest mark in a community practice in Olele tourism village during my study for the Bachelor degree. These sequences of experiences have endowed me with adequacy of skills to prepare well for my future study.

I conducted a research in courses master programs of tourism offered by the Australia Award. Amongst various courses offered in diverse universities in Australia, I opted for Monash and Flinders Unuversity, as the universities are remarkably renowned in the sector of tourism in Australia. Both universities provide wide range of profound courses on sustainable tourism management, which is highly related to my focus on developing tourism in Gorontalo.

4.How will the proposed study contribute to your career?
My future prospect is to be an expert in tour planning and management. By that, I expect to contribute in promoting and designing tour packages and festivals or events regarding tourism and cultural properties in my area, on the verge of the ASEAN Economic Community. Moreover, I would like to dedicate myself on the field of tourism management and development, to conduct researches and publications on progresses, innovations, breakthroughs, and challenges in managing sustainable tourism industry. My profound background of study and my work experiences shape my theoretical and practical skills in tourism. Therefore, the courses offered in the proposed study will broaden my viewpoint and way of thinking in terms of being a professional in tourism management and development.

The proposed study in Australia will also expand my experience as I can compare and measure the tourism management and development in Australia, to put the positive values and innovations into actions in Gorontalo after finishing my study. Australia is one of the most noted countries in terms of managing the tourism industry. The experiences of observations in tourism industry gathered in Australia and advanced perspective from the courses offered will be the crucial components to help me formulating innovative and applicable solutions to the obstacles and challenges in tourism I will face in Gorontalo.

5.How have you contributed to solving a challenge and to implementing change or reform?
In the final year of my undergraduate study, I and my friends was sent by the university to a remote village for 45 days for a community practice. We were appointed to cope with the whole new society and its challenges. The village has a notorious underwater park among travelers, and it magnetizes numerous of local and international tourists to visit the destination. Such frequently visited spot had increased the demand of experienced and advanced English-speaking tour guides significantly. However, the local guides and the micro business entrepreneurs were lack in practical English skills. To worsen, most of them can barely speak English at all. The condition challenged us to resolve the insufficiencies of English skills of the society in the village.

Prior to my community practice, I carried out an Internet research on articles and journals from other areas facing similar challenges. By that, we formulated several resolutions in solving the lack of English skills in the village. Our first solution is to create a tourism community in the village consisted of tour guides and micro business entrepreneurs of the village. In the meetings, we shared and trained the members of the topics in basic English speaking skills. Each meeting discussed diverse issues in English speaking, mainly of hospitality, manner, and customer service, e.g., offering tour packages, introducing environments and facilities, and basic bargaining conversations. To sum the meetings up, we released a pocket book of tour guiding and presented it to the members as a matter of references in guiding tourists.

In the end, our alternative was able to address and crack the issues in English-speaking skills of tour guides at the village. The tour guides had developed their English speaking skills gradually, thus, they could perform better in guiding international tourists. The community practice had given me an eagerness to do more in-depth innovations to solve challenges of tourism in Gorontalo.

6.Please: a) give up to three practical and realistic examples of how you intend to use the knowledge, skills and connections you will gain from your scholarship. Possible tasks can be personal and/or professionalÍž and b) list any possible constraints you think may prevent you from achieving these tasks.My first practical and example will be working as a tour planner and initiating private travel arranger to develop new innovations and breakthroughs in promoting tourism objects and designing tour packages to be marketed to assorted kinds of travelers with their special needs and hobbies. Furthermore, as a matter of managing sustainable tourism development, I will cooperate with the Department of Tourism in Gorontalo to instigate a program in training tour guides and tourism-related business owners to develop the skills in marketing, hospitality and customer service. The final realistic example is to join the Department of Tourism as a researcher to conduct observations and researches, also publications in the field of tourism industry to enlighten the policy maker and public of the development of tourism industry, to bear with upcoming obstacles and challenges in tourism industry in Gorontalo, also as a part of devotion embracing the ASEAN Economic Community.

However, in achieving well-developed tourism management, my area needs improvements in sector of infrastructures. Thus, funding will indeed be the first challenge in order to develop and build infrastructures to support the tourism development. There are new infrastructures needed to be built such as improvements on the transportation, hospitality, and public accommodation services. In solving this, there are various forms of investments from the Indonesian governments and private investors needed to support the enhancement of the infrastructures. Another constraint comes from the conservative-minded of the society. Select group of eople of Gorontalo value and practice the local wisdoms deeply and strictly. This may lead into a clash, when the forthcoming ideas disobey the value local wisdoms. With full support from the government, it can be surmounted by seminars and workshops disseminating the importance of tourism and hospitality to increase the awareness of tourism industry among the people.
abstracism   
Apr 22, 2016
Scholarship / Aiming to be a Professional Translator, a Personal Statement to the AAS [7]

you may consider my thoughts:

- Manado and Makassar are not a province
- On point 3, I don't get it when you said '...probably the first, certified and translator ...'
- On point 4, underline the phrase 'solving challenge' and 'implementing a change or reform' these may help you to outline what's the first things first to put in your essay, You may provide challenges and obstacles you've met so far in terms of playing your role as a translator, and how is your solution to overcome that.
abstracism   
Apr 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are 17 main stages invoked in the frozen fish pies manufacturing process; IELTS [6]

I assume that you used lots of passive voices, e.g., potatoes are boiled, etc. As far as I know, overuse of passive voice is an indication of less-organized academic writing.

you may consider to replace:
-Next, the potato is boiled in a pan until it is ready to eatserve

Overall, this essay is well-structured and understandable. You showed an advance use of grammar and lexical choices.
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳