jrojas21
Jun 2, 2016
Graduate / Request for Reviewing Statement of Purpose for Graduate School Admission [2]
1st Paragraph:
Since my childhood, I have a knack forTt echnology.
I'm not 100% sure if the above sentence is incorrect but another way you could say this is the following: I have had a knack for technology since childhood.
I started using the computer to email my brother at the age of 9, which is abnormal for most of the kids of my country during that time . (is it still abnormal today or just during that time. If the answer is only during that time I would switch "is" for "was" it as "which was abnormal for most of the kids of my country during that time."
At high school, Icamebecame more in touch with technology as computer was my optional subject during high school.
After completing high school, I got into business school.
( "got" may come off as informal. Maybe you could say " I pursued a business degree" or "I was accepted into business school")
During my Uu niversity life, I feel morethere is a necessity offor technology in business world and daily life. Then, I decided to do a masters on Technology Leadership & Innovation.
Aside from the grammatical errors, as a reader I feel like there is an abrupt jump in between the two sentences above. Also, the idea that technology is important in business might be common knowledge. Maybe you have a specific memory of how something you did in business or your studies would have not been possible if it were not for technology. I understand technology was always an inspiration for you from childhood and there may not be just one significant moment that really made you pursue the technology aspect, but maybe a unique moment. It might strengthen your essay, so it is worth a shot brainstorming this part
2nd paragraph:
I am from Bangladesh, a small South Asian Country, which is currently making progress in the technologyfiled field recently.
You do not need to capitalize the word country
my expertise to make this dreamcomes come true.
Moreover, I have seen people suffering is this past or present? if present it should be " I see people suffering" else it is " I have seen people suffer" a lot because of our government officialshaving not having enough technological skilled skills to work efficiently.
So, after completing mygraduationdegreeon in Technology Leadership & Innovation, I want to help our Government on in that regard.
3rd parapgrah
* undergraduate student, formal essay so not recommended to say undergrad
This last paragraph feels like you jammed a lot of information into and does not come off as strongly as it could be, but this is just my opinion. Someone else might disagree, and I hope you get more feedback so you can make a decision on what you will choose to keep, delete, or elaborate on your essay. Good luck! :)
1st Paragraph:
Since my childhood, I have a knack for
I'm not 100% sure if the above sentence is incorrect but another way you could say this is the following: I have had a knack for technology since childhood.
I started using the computer to email my brother at the age of 9, which is abnormal for most of the kids of my country during that time . (is it still abnormal today or just during that time. If the answer is only during that time I would switch "is" for "was" it as "which was abnormal for most of the kids of my country during that time."
At high school, I
After completing high school, I got into business school.
( "got" may come off as informal. Maybe you could say " I pursued a business degree" or "I was accepted into business school")
During my U
Aside from the grammatical errors, as a reader I feel like there is an abrupt jump in between the two sentences above. Also, the idea that technology is important in business might be common knowledge. Maybe you have a specific memory of how something you did in business or your studies would have not been possible if it were not for technology. I understand technology was always an inspiration for you from childhood and there may not be just one significant moment that really made you pursue the technology aspect, but maybe a unique moment. It might strengthen your essay, so it is worth a shot brainstorming this part
2nd paragraph:
I am from Bangladesh, a small South Asian Country, which is currently making progress in the technology
You do not need to capitalize the word country
my expertise to make this dream
Moreover, I have seen people suffering is this past or present? if present it should be " I see people suffering" else it is " I have seen people suffer" a lot because of our government officials
So, after completing my
3rd parapgrah
* undergraduate student, formal essay so not recommended to say undergrad
This last paragraph feels like you jammed a lot of information into and does not come off as strongly as it could be, but this is just my opinion. Someone else might disagree, and I hope you get more feedback so you can make a decision on what you will choose to keep, delete, or elaborate on your essay. Good luck! :)
