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Posts by jrojas21
Name: Jaqueline Rojas
Joined: May 22, 2016
Last Post: Jun 2, 2016
Threads: 1
Posts: 6  
From: USA
School: UIC

Displayed posts: 7
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jrojas21   
Jun 2, 2016
Graduate / Request for Reviewing Statement of Purpose for Graduate School Admission [2]

1st Paragraph:
Since my childhood, I have a knack for Tt echnology.
I'm not 100% sure if the above sentence is incorrect but another way you could say this is the following: I have had a knack for technology since childhood.

I started using the computer to email my brother at the age of 9, which is abnormal for most of the kids of my country during that time . (is it still abnormal today or just during that time. If the answer is only during that time I would switch "is" for "was" it as "which was abnormal for most of the kids of my country during that time."

At high school, I camebecame more in touch with technology as computer was my optional subject during high school.
After completing high school, I got into business school.
( "got" may come off as informal. Maybe you could say " I pursued a business degree" or "I was accepted into business school")

During my Uu niversity life, I feel morethere is a necessity offor technology in business world and daily life. Then, I decided to do a masters on Technology Leadership & Innovation.

Aside from the grammatical errors, as a reader I feel like there is an abrupt jump in between the two sentences above. Also, the idea that technology is important in business might be common knowledge. Maybe you have a specific memory of how something you did in business or your studies would have not been possible if it were not for technology. I understand technology was always an inspiration for you from childhood and there may not be just one significant moment that really made you pursue the technology aspect, but maybe a unique moment. It might strengthen your essay, so it is worth a shot brainstorming this part

2nd paragraph:
I am from Bangladesh, a small South Asian Country, which is currently making progress in the technology filed field recently.
You do not need to capitalize the word country
my expertise to make this dream comes come true.
Moreover, I have seen people suffering is this past or present? if present it should be " I see people suffering" else it is " I have seen people suffer" a lot because of our government officials having not having enough technological skilled skills to work efficiently.

So, after completing my graduationdegreeon in Technology Leadership & Innovation, I want to help our Government on in that regard.
3rd parapgrah
* undergraduate student, formal essay so not recommended to say undergrad
This last paragraph feels like you jammed a lot of information into and does not come off as strongly as it could be, but this is just my opinion. Someone else might disagree, and I hope you get more feedback so you can make a decision on what you will choose to keep, delete, or elaborate on your essay. Good luck! :)
jrojas21   
May 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Toefl - Do you believe that online courses should replace classroom learning? [2]

without missing your job and studying in yourthe free time.
but I believe that the possibility of interaction and confrontation during a class it'sis one of the milestones of the learning process.
Why not going to class and have the opportunity to share your point of view, your opinions and, sometimes, great part of your life, with people who have same interests and ambitions?

I've knownmet most of my actual friends during the period of university and, although I have changed city, I talk with them every time I could.

In terms of arguments, I think the one you can strengthen is in the second paragraph
My personal experience is a good example of this. A lot of times during my university career I obtained excellent marks thanks to notes taken during the classes, highlighting specific explanations of my professors.Someone may argue that you could take excellent notes from an online course as well, as long as you listen closely. You also might be able to take better notes because you can rewind the video to catch what you missed. However, one thing you might not be able to do is ask a question in the middle of an online course because it is already pre-recorded. Maybe you had an experience in class where if you or someone in class didn't ask a question you might have not been able to understand the concepts as well as you did
jrojas21   
May 30, 2016
Scholarship / Impact Latino heritage,family&community on desire to obtain degree&how I will give back to community [7]

Dear @ichanpants89 thank you for your constructive feedback and I am definitely finding this website as a very helpful resource since I do not have many people I can ask to read my essays. I agree and will work on improving my introduction especially because it for a competitive scholarship. Your feedback had allowed me to look at my writing from a different perspective.
jrojas21   
May 30, 2016
Scholarship / One More Chance-- A Scholarship Appeal Essay for a Broken Heart [2]

I am writing this letter into appeal of the potential decision to not renew my Freshman Scholarship.
They raised me to stay in the books"focus on my studies" might be a better choice of words) and work hard.
Therefore, when I got on XXXX's campus, I got a taste aof freedom and began to slack off academically.
I partied and socialized way more than I should have , often times procrastinating on my homework.

I would suggest thinking of a few more specifics on what you plan to do to improve your gpa. For example, do you plan on attending office hours, tutoring, letting go of some responsibilities, specific studying strategies? Maybe think of what characteristics helped you get the scholarship in the first place However, I would say you do a good job of describing the problems you have faced.
jrojas21   
May 30, 2016
Scholarship / Impact Latino heritage,family&community on desire to obtain degree&how I will give back to community [7]

My parents always emphasized the importance of working hard for your dreams. After I graduated high school, I knew college would be a difficult path to follow because of my family's economic situation. Yet, I did not shy away from my only job opportunity, even if it meant working as a nightshift waitress. My new schedule consisted of working at night, napping for a few short hours in the morning, and heading off to my college classes after a cold shower and hot cup of coffee. Despite the struggle, I did not give up because I grew up watching my parent's exhibit strength and hard work.

I was born in Mexico and grew up alongside my parents while they would sell fruits and vegetables at a Mexican flea market. Unfortunately, I do not remember this and only have stories told to me by my parents, because we came to the U.S when I was only 3 years old. They came to the U.S to achieve their own dreams and give us a better future. My parents went from not owning an inch of land to now being owners of a house in Mexico and a house in the U.S. They have faced discrimination but have shown me that your actions are stronger than any word someone can tell you. My dad was once welcomed at a new job with "How much for the tamales?" and some chuckles. He was made fun of for walking in with humble clothing and a less than fancy tool box. My dad ignored those individuals, worked hard, and landed the job. My dad has now been working for that company for 14 years and has shown to be the most effective car painter there. Each step I take towards obtaining my degree is an attempt to demonstrate to my parents that their hard work and strength has not gone to waste.

I always knew I wanted to obtain a college degree and thought I knew what I wanted to be. I grew up with the dream of becoming a doctor one day. However, as I became more involved with my coursework I realized what I really wanted to be was an engineer. Yet, I soon realized that before college I had never met anyone who was an engineer. While I grew up in a community that was predominately Hispanic, not once had I met a Latina or Latino who had studied engineering. Nevertheless, I decided to apply for the college of Bioengineering and was accepted. I have been through a lot of ups and downs as a bioengineering student. There have been moments where I have told myself "What did I get myself into?!" Also, having the necessity to work in order to pay for tuition has made it difficult to focus my time and energy on difficult engineering courses easier. Nevertheless, I have not given up. As a result of hard work I have been able to become involved in material science research and have recently become a published author. While I have found my way, I know it would have helped to know about engineering at a young age or even knowing another Hispanic who went through the process would have helped immensely.

As a result of personal experience, I believe that it is important for every person to have access to educational opportunities. One way I plan to give back to my community is by developing educational programs like the current ones I am involved with. For the past year I have been leading and developing a writing circle program aimed to help seniors with visual impairments develop their writing. I have also participated in educational outreach programs at a Microbiology foundation with the aim to teach science to young children, an opportunity that I would have never even known existed as a child. One of my current goals is to start a tech workshop for young students aimed at teaching code and engineering principles, since I have yet to see a program like this be offered in my community. Programs like this would benefit the Hispanic community I am part of and even if not every student goes into engineering, at least each young student would have the same access to knowledge that other affluent communities have.

I am proud to be part of the Latino community and seeing many individuals overcome adversity have reminded me of how a challenge only defeats us when we decide to stop working against the challenge. Even though I am not in Mexico, I have not forgotten my Latino heritage and hope that with my actions can inspire future generations through the same characteristics of strength and hardwork that my parents have shown me.
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