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Posts by chizy7
Name: Chizaram Chibueze
Joined: Oct 17, 2016
Last Post: Aug 4, 2018
Threads: 6
Posts: 52  
Likes: 14
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 58 / page 2 of 2
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chizy7   
Dec 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / TOPIC OF AN ORIGINAL ARTICLE I AM WRITING ON: THE CAREER WOMAN [5]

I was just writing on this to produce an article on the topic. What do you think about the title and is it a very good article?

Title of Article:

THE CAREER WOMAN


A career woman is a woman who takes pride in her career, who chooses to work and often who is successful at her job. Career women may face gender inequality in the work place, as well as occupational sexism. This may take the form of a gender pay gap, or like a "glass ceiling" that prevents them from rising to the upper rungs of the corporate ladder. I respect career women a lot because they go through a lot in order to support their families. They face discrimination mostly at jobs perceived to be for men like civil engineering and so on.

In some countries and cultures, it is a taboo for a woman to aspire to work or be more successful than the man. Like in Nigeria for example, girls are mostly brought up to aspire to marriage, be good wives, good mothers and world class cooks for their husbands and in most cases be the house keeper (doing all the chores). I was on a trip to Abuja (Northern Nigeria) and I decided to spend a day in an urban area where most people living there cannot afford 3 square meals a day. As I was observing a particular family of 5 kids, the youngest daughter who is around the age of 10 saw an airplane fly over and she was like, "I will have 3 planes, 1 for my personal use and 2 for my company". Her father instead of encouraging her to work towards her dream, shut her up in a harsh manner and sent her inside to wash plates and clean the house making a parting statement "better go and learn how to cook very well and be a good wife" still on his way out, he gave the son who is a year older than his daughter and was outside playing soccer with his friends a 'high five'. From the view of what happened here, the father discouraged the daughter from aspiring towards a career of owning her own company. When I made further enquiries, I found out the boy attended school and the girl did not attend school rather she is at home all day cooking,washing,cleaning and looking after her baby sister aspiring to be a good wife and mother.

Most men feel threatened by the woman having long time beliefs that a woman must be under a man and that is why something like the "gender pay gap" exists. You will see a man and a woman working for the same corporation, both at the same level performing equal work and the man gets paid more than the woman or the woman will be qualified to rise to the position of a CEO but she will never be promoted to that position.

In the United States, the average females unadjusted annual salary has been cited as 78% of that of the average male. When we think of gender, we often think of male or female; that's only half of understanding gender. When considering gender, we often encounter bias, both intentional and unintentional, and implicit or explicit. We may have presumptive judgements or opinions about genders that differ from our own, which are often the result of our own upbringing. I believe that we have to get rid of this thick glass ceiling between genders and there should be equal pay for equal work.

Most people allow some myths about career women to cloud their judgement. Myths like:

~ working women are bad mothers: we all know one woman who does not work and is a bad mother. Career women can be good mothers and excellent role models to their children.

~ women are bad bosses: most people would say they would prefer a male boss to a female one. Some will give reasons like women lack leadership qualities needed at the top. Women are good bosses. Like Amy Gutmann, President of University of Pennsylvania one of the best president the University has ever had and loved by many at UPENN.

~ career women don't have kids or like kids: there are lots of career women who like kids and even have kids of their own.

~ his career is more important than yours: there are lots of women who have given up their careers to be a stay at home full time mum. Like in my example, the father through his actions tells the girl that her brothers career is more important than hers. This is a lie, his career is not more important than yours. You have the right to have a career.

~ business is for boys: another lie. A woman can be a good business woman. We know lots of women who have big businesses and own fortune 500 companies.

~ career women don't have time for their families: you can be the President of World Bank or own a big company and still attend your son or daughters sports games,eat dinner with your family, put your kids to bed,help them with their homework and spend quality time with your husband.

Women can be good CEO's,Presidents,Engineers,Pilots,Wives,Mothers and so on. We should always support girls and women who aspire to careers. We should support their ambitions and not torture them. We should not give them the message that if they are ambitious, they will be punished. If they focus on career, no man will have them. And if they marry, they will never have children. And if they have kids, they will ruin their kids. We should support women to make choices, to be hard-working employers and employees. There should be equality of both sexes.

And yes I am a feminist. Thank You!
#supportacareerwomantoday
#genderequality
#careerwomenaregoodmothers
chizy7   
Dec 7, 2016
Scholarship / My early fascination for computers combined with a strong liking for analytical subjects inspired me [10]

Hi Valerie,
I can sense that you have really thought about why you want to be a computer engineer. To make your response more personal to you, I think you should write why your academic goal of being a computer engineer is personal to you because a lot of people have the same academic goals but they want to know why yours is personal to you because every applicant is different. Your academic goals may not differ but it's personal effect or goals differs. So what is your personal goal and why/how is your academic goal personal to you?

How will this field allow you to aid humanity and provide hope to mankind?

I believe these changes will make your response to the prompt to stand out.
chizy7   
Dec 7, 2016
Undergraduate / Finally stepping out of my comfort zone- help with my motivational statement for Peace corps! [3]

The essay prompt is quite unclear, do provide a better prompt so I can fully understand what you are writing about.

From your essay, you lost me because your essay seems to be quite unclear to me. At a point I can see you are already a member of the peace corps and at some other point you seem to be an aspiring member.

Revisit your essay and make it clearer. I hope to read your revised response then we will work on your grammar usage.

P.S: My initial feedback was lost but this particular feedback is just a summary of what I wrote originally
chizy7   
Dec 7, 2016
Undergraduate / My girlfriend. This girl changed me as a person. Penn State Personal Statement [7]

It will also be helpful if you work with the word limit (if you were directed to do so) because your essay looks wordy and somehow repetitive. As Holt has stated, your essay is so much focused on your girlfriend and your personal statement is supposed to give the admissions officer a sense of who you are.
chizy7   
Dec 4, 2016
Scholarship / Characterize a personality which has added enthusiasm within your own life [4]

It would have been much better to have your whole essay. As the response goes, I think to start will be to describe the figure first (your description should be totally relevant to the essay and what you will be writing about throughout the essay)

The middle part should be about you and how your mom has inspired you. And probably shine a light on what you have accomplished by looking up to your mom and then your closure can be merged in a very creative way that will reflect the rest of your life(in regards to the essay)

The intro you provided is great to start by describing your figure but it's too weak. I think your intro should be the stronger than your conclusion and if not stronger than other parts of the essay because you are writing about two different people-the figure and yourself.
chizy7   
Dec 4, 2016
Undergraduate / I come from a family of chefs- MIT essay [8]

It's a short response and I think short essays like this are given to know how creative and constructive you can be about your response. So you should remove some irrelevant parts.

May I suggest you approach your essay in this format:
* describe first
* link your description to how you have developed your dream to be a chef (don't go over the word limit, be concise and straight to the point here)

* and then close with a proof showing how passionate you are about this dream (maybe you can close writing about when you first cooked a meal with your grandfather or cooked something you learnt from your cook book or cooked your family dinner they appreciated) you know your experiences so close with one of it.
chizy7   
Dec 4, 2016
Undergraduate / I was excited to learn about the Liberal Studies Core Program at NYU. "Why NYU" Writing Supplement [5]

The essay question states: WHY NYU but from your response you are responding to THIS IS NYU. I guess that while you were searching for colleges to apply to you had or have something specifically you were looking out for, something personal and that's what they meant by asking Why NYU. So write about why NYU fits into what you are looking out for in a college and the response should not always be about academics because I guess major parts of the application reflects your academic and intellectual promise. The college getting to know you better (your interests and so on) is really a plus.
chizy7   
Oct 20, 2016
Undergraduate / Reflect on a time in the last few years when you felt genuine excitement learning about something. [6]

200 words or fewer.

And I fell predictably on the ground only achieving an injury from the bicycle pedal. That was me at 7 trying to ride a bicycle meant for 12 year olds. I didn't have my own bicycle but I desired to learn how to ride one.

I was 11 years old when I got my first bike just right after my heart surgery, waiting for the day I will take it out for a first ride. Of course that day ought to be special, I purchased new sports outfit ready for the D-day. I had one of my elder brother holding a camera and another to teach me. Oh! How could I forget my sunglasses; of course I had it on, looking like a secret agent. After all my preparations, I failed to ride just a few steps on my own. I went home disappointed.

One thing about determination is that you never give up irrespective of bad outcomes. I returned the next day with extra enthusiasm. Guess what? I pedaled past three houses and I was so excited I left my bicycle on the streets, ran home like I just won a gold medal to tell my parents; I did it!
chizy7   
Oct 20, 2016
Scholarship / ''Leadership is the capacity to translate vision into reality'' - Chevening question [3]

I think you should use evidence such as the vision you had before being elected or appointed leader in the various positions you listed above and how you steered that vision into reality. And how you have impacted the lives of the people you have led.

All the pointers I have made just cleared. I will get back to you later with more feedback. Am in a haste
chizy7   
Oct 18, 2016
Undergraduate / I want to bring my creativity and diversity to Yale because Yale is the right place for me. [4]

Why does Yale appeal to you? (100 words or less)

When I graduated secondary school, I went into retailing of male clothes and accessories to have an understanding of finance. I want a school that will give me opportunities to create, work in teams and share my interests without boundaries. Like the new course introduced to Yale CS department: introduction to information systems and the joint CS50 with Harvard will offer me opportunities to share my ideas, explore my interests and apply them to real world focus. I want to bring my creativity and diversity to Yale because Yale is the right place for me.
chizy7   
Oct 18, 2016
Scholarship / QuestBridge National College Match Short Answers [7]

Although business isn't for me, instead of saying it use I was not originally interested in business.

For the second essay, mention your career interests and focus more on how you developed them, the development should be personal to you.
chizy7   
Oct 18, 2016
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement - critique content/style [3]

I love your writing tone because it makes the reader feel like they have already met you.
I think you should be more specific about your eating schedule and the type of food you like to eat probably for dinner.

"I don't really eat on a normal schedule, so [...] I can only concentrate when I'm eating. " This sentence is not quite clear, it states that you don't like to eat or you are not seen consuming chocolate in class and at the same time you said you can only concentrate when eating. I think you should expand and elaborate more on that sentence to make it clear and understandable.

For the second response, I think you should concentrate more on how what matters to your most has affected your life. Focus more on the "why" part of the question.
chizy7   
Oct 17, 2016
Undergraduate / "Write about something that you love to do" (200 words or fewer) - Yale essay [6]

Write about something that you love to do (200 words or fewer)

I love to create. In my community, creativity is not deeply appreciated. When you decide to go through the path of creativity, you are perceived to be different or over ambitious. In secondary school, I was in the science class and History was an elective subject. 100% of the science students didn't take History class because they believe History is only meant for arts students. So I created a game where I compiled History questions. In order to attract my classmates to play, I awarded the winner. I bought special pens and each time we have free periods (no classes) I asked these questions and the winner will be awarded with a special pen. Through this game, my classmates developed keen interest for History and the game attracted more players from other science classes. I created the game to get them interested in History and I am happy to have achieved my goal.

A new project I am working on is MyPiggyBank. MyPiggyBank is designed to solve the problems of finance. With MyPiggyBank you can easily transfer money to someone in Europe in less than 15 seconds. I love to create solutions and solve world problems and I won't stop creating.

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