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Appeal letter to my dream university (SMU School of Business)



SATscorer 1 / 1  
May 11, 2015   #1
Hi reviewers, I really appreciate if you could spare some time and review my work. I welcome any kind of constructive comments.

I have been rejected from SMU's School of Business and this is my letter of appeal. (Requirements: <1000 words)

Nelson Mandela once said: "There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living". These words aptly reflect my motivation to achieve what is possible to me but impossible to others.

I studied Accounting & Finance in Temasek Polytechnic and my grades were very much "ordinary". During my study in Temasek Polytechnic, I was greatly affected by the untimely demise of a close friend. It was a tumultuous period for me because of the close bond we had after spending most of our lives together. I was devastated for most of my polytechnic days and my grades deteriorated. After my polytechnic studies, I knew my grades did not truly reflect my natural aptitude for learning and I was capable of much more. I knew I had to display my innate capabilities, in a way or another, to SMU and I went on to take the extremely competitive SAT. In the recent SAT sitting on 2nd May 2015, I took the SAT and achieved a perfect score of 2400/2400. I emerged the top 99th percentile of the international cohort taking this test, beating out students from the prestigious Ivy leagues. However, I was not satisfied and I knew I could achieve more than just academic achievements.

I founded my own e-commerce retail business with my savings of $5000 and 4 months since its inception, it has made $4000 profits. I am confident that I can make it grow and make at least $12000 at the end of this year. In addition, I am currently developing another business idea that I believe will effectively tackle problems confronting people not only in Singapore, but also all over the world. It would effectively solve problems such as the high cost of housing in developed cities, the high cost of car ownership in Singapore and the labour crunch in developed countries. Using my business idea, I hope I can represent SMU to take part in the biennial Lee Kuan Yew Global Business Plan Competition and bring pride to SMU's Lee Kong Chian School of Business.

Many of my friends and relatives have asked, "Why SMU?" and I have always confidently given them same answer. SMU offers creative individuals with carefully curated business modules that can expand our options. It will be able to support me with a network that can only be found in an institution with a cosmopolitan outlook and a focus on attributes such as interpersonal skills. The opportunities given by SMU's Entrepreneurship programs such as Lee Kuan Yew Global Business Plan Competition, Entrepreneurs' Corner and SMU Innovation Awards would broaden my perspective and grant me the necessary resources to develop my business idea. With the incentives and opportunities given by SMU, I am indeed highly motivated to contribute to the start-up spirit in SMU with both my beliefs and newfound experiences - only the clashing of beliefs can set forth new ideas.

As a zealous itinerant, I have travelled to many countries all over the globe to experience the myriad of cultures they offer. From San Jose in California (Silicon Valley) to Toronto in Canada, I gained insights on how Start-ups should be founded and how I should relay the potential of my business idea to investors. These international experiences were salient in augmenting my views on how I can efficiently manage the business of a company. The most memorable experience I had was a short 3 month stay at my cousin's apartment in Princeton, New Jersey. She graduated from Princeton University and was working for Goldman Sachs. During my stay with her, she allowed me to see how intense and competitive people were in Goldman Sachs. I was able to witness the firm's true blue American culture and its cut-throat competitive atmosphere. There are many who think that I am weird, for enjoying such intense rivalry but to me it is indispensible for growth. There is a stark difference between the tepid attitude of Singaporeans and the unceasing drive these investment bankers have. It is this drive they have that propelled Goldman Sachs to its cardinal position in the investment banking sector and I am certain that I do have the same drive. With these cosmopolitan experiences, I believe I have an edge over other parochial students with conventional mind-sets that are so common nowadays.

I am confident that my desire to succeed and to do my utmost best will enhance my collegiate experience. My Polytechnic lecturers envisioned a bright future for me after they saw my innate capabilities. I was selected to be one of the only three students in Temasek Polytechnic to have an internship in PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC). I was graded by seniors and managers in PwC and they were very satisfied with my performance. The appraisals I received were ranked one of the best amongst all of the interns of all schools in PwC. One of the directors even offered me a position in the firm that I had to kindly reject due to my impending National Service. In addition, I was selected to take part in the NTU Audit & Accounting Challenge 2013 and the SMU Tax Challenge 2013 that my team and I emerged top 12 in. We were able to obtain reasonable results despite competing against competitive teams from the various Universities.

Needless to say, my goal of having a successful career continues despite being denied acceptance at SMU. Though, with this in mind, I feel I could make great strides in the right direction by attending SMU. Despite my rejection, SMU still lingers in my mind, and I must exhaust all enrolment opportunities to be fully contented with the application process. I truly believe that everything would work out for the best and all I can do is to submit this appeal and let fate have its way.

justivy03 - / 2265  
May 11, 2015   #2
Sat,

The first paragraph of your appeal is already negative as you stated your grades far less than ordinary, this doesn't do any good to your appeal. Site the positive ones and as much as you can don't go to the negative side, you have a lot of positive aspects to mention.

Let's rephrase it to the point of not mentioning your grades; I studied Accounting and Finance in Temasek Polytechnic.

Needless to say, my goal of having a successful career continues despite being denied acceptance at SMU.ThoughWith this in mind, I feel I could make great stridesknow I'm in the right direction by attending SMU. Despite my rejection, SMU still lingers in my mind, and, I know I have I must exhaustI know I have exhausted all enrollment opportunities to be fully contentedcompliant with the application process. I truly believe that everything would work out for the best. and all I can do is to submit this appeal and let fate have its way.Thank you for taking time in reviewing my application.

Overall, your appeal is great, just make sure to elaborate and show more of your positive side, remember this is an appeal for your future, your achievements matters most and you as an individual can do more. You have that one chance for this Institution to grant you the program you need, its not what you want anymore, its what you need to make a difference out there. I wish you the best of luck.

Cheers!!!
lcturn87 - / 423  
May 11, 2015   #3
In doing research, I found that along with a positive approach, you should also ensure that you include information that is new to admissions. This is important, because maybe they missed something in writing the first letter that could get their attention in the second letter. When you mention that you were in the 99th percentile of SAT takers, that is fantastic! However, I hope that this was not included in the previous letter.

Here are some more changes to help assist you. They are in order by the paragraphs that are written.
When you discuss the university you are trying to attend, I would suggest you discuss how important the School of Business will be to your endeavors in the future. You mention the business competition early on, but not how the business program will enhance your learning.

I would change zealous itinerant to zealous world traveler. I would also change Toronto in Canada to Toronto, Canada. Delete the hyphen in start-up. It should read like this:startups. I would use present rather than relay to discuss how you presented business ideas to investors. I would write three month rather than explain it with a number. I would not use Singaporeans. I think you should state, "natives of Singapore" or "those from Singapore".

You should change utmost best to "do my best..." You can shorten this next sentence by stating "one of only three chosen students".

I truly believe that everything will work out for the best.Thank you for taking the time in reviewing my application.
OP SATscorer 1 / 1  
May 14, 2015   #4
Thank you guys for reviewing my appeal letter. I really appreciate it.
Here is an edited version of my appeal letter after considering the suggestions you guys gave. Thank you so much!
Anymore essay forum users help please? :)

Nelson Mandela once said: "There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living". These words aptly reflect my motivation to achieve what is possible to me but impossible to others.

During my study in Temasek Polytechnic, I was greatly affected by the untimely demise of a close friend. It was a tumultuous period for me because of the close bond we had after spending most of our lives together. I was devastated for most of my polytechnic days and my grades deteriorated. After my polytechnic studies, I knew my grades did not truly reflect my natural aptitude for learning and I was capable of much more. I knew I had to display my innate capabilities, in a way or another, to SMU and I went on to take the extremely competitive SAT. In the recent SAT sitting on 2nd May 2015, I took the SAT and achieved a perfect score of 2400/2400. I emerged the top 99th percentile of the international cohort taking this test, beating out students from the prestigious Ivy League Universities. However, I was not satisfied and I knew I could do more than just academic achievements.

I founded my own e-commerce retail business with my savings of $5000 and 4 months since its inception, it has made $4000 profits. I am confident that I can make it grow and make at least $12000 at the end of this year. In addition, I am currently developing another business idea that I believe will effectively tackle problems confronting people not only in Singapore, but also all over the world. It would effectively solve problems such as the high cost of housing in developed cities, the high cost of car ownership in Singapore and the labour crunch in developed countries. Using my business idea, I hope I can represent SMU to take part in the biennial Lee Kuan Yew Global Business Plan Competition and bring pride to SMU's Lee Kong Chian School of Business.

Many of my friends and relatives have asked, "Why SMU?" and I have always confidently given them same answer. SMU offers creative individuals with carefully curated modules that can expand our options. Modules such as "Decision Analysis" gives us insights on the potential ramifications of our decisions and "Economics of Globalisation" that enhances our understanding on how economic integration can help benefit both developing and developed countries. SMU will be able to support me with a network that can only be found in an institution with a cosmopolitan outlook and a focus on attributes such as interpersonal skills. In addition, the opportunities given by SMU's Entrepreneurship programs such as Lee Kuan Yew Global Business Plan Competition, Entrepreneurs' Corner and SMU Innovation Awards will broaden my perspective and grant me the necessary resources to develop my business ideas. With the incentives and opportunities given by SMU, I am indeed highly motivated to contribute to the start-up spirit in SMU with both my beliefs and newfound experiences - only the clashing of beliefs can set forth new ideas.

As a zealous world traveller, I have travelled to many countries all over the globe to experience the myriad of cultures they offer. From San Jose, California (Silicon Valley) to Toronto, Canada, I gained insights on how Start-ups should be founded and how I should present the potential of my business idea to investors. These international experiences were salient in augmenting my views on how I can efficiently manage a business. The most memorable experience I had was a short three month stay at my cousin's apartment in Princeton, New Jersey. She graduated from Princeton University and was working for Goldman Sachs. During my stay with her, she allowed me to see how intense and competitive people were in Goldman Sachs. I was able to witness the firm's true blue American culture and its cut-throat competitive atmosphere. There are many who think that I am weird, for enjoying such intense rivalry but to me it is indispensible for growth. There is a stark difference between the tepid attitude of Singaporeans and the unceasing drive these investment bankers have. It is this drive they have that propelled Goldman Sachs to its cardinal position in the investment banking sector and I am certain that I do have the same drive. With these cosmopolitan experiences, I believe I have an edge over other parochial students with conventional mind-sets that are so common nowadays.

I am confident that my desire to succeed and to do my utmost best will enhance my collegiate experience. My Polytechnic lecturers envisioned a bright future for me after they saw my innate capabilities. I was selected to be one of only three students in Temasek Polytechnic chosen to have an internship in PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC). I was graded by seniors and managers in PwC and they were very satisfied with my performance. The appraisals I received were ranked one of the best amongst all of the interns of all schools in PwC. One of the directors even offered me a position in the firm that I had to kindly reject due to my impending National Service. In addition, I was selected to take part in the NTU Audit & Accounting Challenge 2013 and the SMU Tax Challenge 2013 that my team and I emerged top 12 in. We were able to obtain reasonable results despite competing against competitive teams from the various Universities.

Despite my rejection, SMU still lingers in my mind, and I must exhaust all enrolment opportunities to be fully contented with the application. I am sure I could make great strides in the right direction by attending SMU. I truly believe that everything would work out for the best. Thank you for taking the time to review my application.
lcturn87 - / 423  
May 15, 2015   #5
I am going to give you a few changes on how you can improve. There are minimal changes. Please remember to proofread before you decide to submit this letter. Also, do you know how long this appeal should be?

1st paragraph:
"I knew I had to display my innate capabilities to SMU, so I decided to take the extremely competitive SAT. When I took the SAT on May 22, 2015, I achieved a perfect score of 2400. I emerged in the top 99th..."

You don't have to capitalize universities.

2nd paragraph:
"...savings of $5,000, and 4 months since its inception it has made $4,000 in profits." Place a comma in the same location as I did with 4,000 for "12000".

3rd paragraph:
"...give them the same answer". "Economics of Globalization" that . Delete the last portion of this paragraph that discusses the clash of beliefs. If you end it discussing new found experiences, I believe this will be sufficient.

4th paragraph: Startups should be lowercase. Also, when I looked up this word, a hyphen wasn't added between the word. I would end the last sentence stating, ..."I believe I have a competitive edge." I believe all of your experiences and academics show you have a drive to succeed so you don't have to make this comparison.

5th paragraph: Don't capitalize universities.

Closing: Delete the comma after mind. Change to "enrollment opportunities to be fully content that I have tried my best to be accepted". I think you should change this sentence to: "I truly believe that everything will work out for the best." You are anticipating a good outcome, it hasn't occurred yet.


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