Double Degree Motivational Letter; My interest in business management

letter of Motivation

Hi guys,
I need assistance in editing my motivational letter. All ideas and criticism are accepted. Thank you!

Dear selection committee members,

My name is ___ and since the beginning of my years as an undergraduate student, I had set a goal of pursuing a double degree program. My interest in business management has led me to be interested in enrolling for ___. I see this double degree program offered by ___ Business School in union with the University of ___. I am applying for this program to further challenge myself academically, and to better my competitive edge in order to pursue a future career of owning my own business.

Throughout high school, I excelled in various subjects, though my main interest is in business management. I found that I enjoy studying business management most as the practical application in the real world is very interesting to me. Therefore, I choose to continue my study at ___ for the bachelor of economics. I'm already in my 3rd semester now and I have enjoyed every moment of it. I realized that I have chosen the right course to study. I have excelled in my academic and extra-curricular activities. My transcript shows that I have a good academic record. Moreover, from the extra-curricular activities that I have done, I also gained valuable insight into marketing from working with ___. Working in ___ has given me real-life insight into marketing. In addition, my experience in ___ also helps me realize that I value accuracy and efficiency. These experiences gave me a strong understanding of job responsibility and how to balance academic and job responsibility. Lastly, I have also been told by my classmates that I am a good team leader. Group assignment has challenged me to have good leadership quality such as being assertive, honest, integrated, and accountable.

The combination of the bachelor of economics degree at the __ and __ will not only give me a thorough understanding of theories but also new cultures and technical aspects of the industry in [countries] which will broaden my knowledge. Furthermore, the international profile of the degree would benefit my competitive advantage in pursuing my future career in an increasingly competitive industry. By living multiculturally, I can also share about my culture and learn new cultures from others.

If I get the privilege of being accepted to this program, I will show my hunger for learning new things and giving valuable contributions. I hope that the admission committee finds my background and experiences compatible with the requirements of your program. Thank you for considering my application.

Nobody will be able to offer a solid review of this motivational letter because of the redacted information. This is not a sensitive government document that relates to high security information.It is just an academic motivational letter that does not make any sense when the necessary information is not specified in the presentation. If you are afraid of the letter being plagiarized then you should not have posted it at all at this forum for a review. You should have opted for our private review services for confidentiality sake.

You do understand that the reviewer needs to understand the letter in totality, using the necessary information to help you with the improvements to the presentation right? Exactly how do you expect me to do that when I cannot make sense of the discussion you are presenting?