i have never written to Westen people so i dont know much about their literature. please check my grammar and my way writting please! thank you so much
" Tuesday, August 22nd, 2013
Dear Learning Project Asia managers,
My name is Duong Khanh Linh from class 10CA in Nguyen Binh Khiem high school. I heard about your project that teaches students many things such as making video clips, visual literacy, team working and many other interesting things. Besides, all the courses are free so this is a big chance for me to learn more about human-being, the way things work, how we run the world and everything in English. I am so excited about studying in such a good condition although i know it's very hard to be one of the sixteen students who are chosen. However, it's time i changed myself...
Being young and naive, I used to think that I am maturer and smarter than everybody else who is the same age as me. I earn my experience and study by myself. Therefore, I was very proud of it until my failure. I didn't pass the entrance exam of my favorite school. At that time, i was very stressed but one day, it dawned on me that I could be maturer and smarter than everybody but who cares if i don't study hard and try to prove myself? Then your project comes to me and I feel something like "This may be my destiny"...
I have searched your website and found out many amazing things which I would love to learn. This is the opportunity that could change my life, my time. I must have free time and be very strict on this course but I always want something new so i will spend my time studying it. First, my ambition is to be free to go everywhere on Earth and research everything I can to broaden my horizon so studying English with Westen teachers without paying money enables me to be better at speaking skill-my worst, but please don't worry about me hearing them saying because listening is my best. Second, in all of the skills you teach, I'm interested in critical thinking and solving problems most because my special abilities is analysing and debating but they have not been very perfect yet especially debating, as a result of my quick temper. I can easily lose my temper with somebody who talks a little bit stupid. Then a general discussion of the issue soon developes into a more formal debate as the different participants take particular sides for or against the topic. As feelings become quite heated, the various members begin to argue with each others. That is when problems are created. I am usually the leader and I find it difficult to cope with them. Furthermore, I can be easily confused when there are too many problems to analyse and debate if I can not concentrate. My teachers said my abilities were very good but I think there is something not right with them and i can not be satisfied. That is why I need to join your project and I deserve to be chosen!
I know even if i am chosen, it is very hard to study with all Westen teachers in English but in order to achieve my ambition, I will work hard for your "intermediate level". I am confident in success. Thank you so much for having read my application form. Please notice me when you have received this mail !
Yours sincerely
Linh
Duong Khanh Linh
Be careful to capitalize "I" because we western people take ourselves very seriously and always capitalize this pronoun. : - )
We western people are also impatient. It's important to give your most important sentence in the first few sentences of the essay. What is the powerful sentence that will surprise the reader's attention and intrigue her so that she keeps reading? Lol...
You have a great writing style. It's very "engaging" and the humility makes it impressive.
Use the same verb tense through the whole sentence:
Being young and naive, I used to think that I am was maturer smarter and more mature than everybody else who is the same age as me. my age.
This is very interesting compared to most essays by students. I like the end of the firs paragraph, and I especially like that sentence about how you were young and naive enough to think you were smarter and more mature than others. The reader KNOWS that students who think they are smarter usually have that thought because they perform better. In that sentence you show the reader that you are smart and also humble. I know the reader will reach her own conclusion that you are smart, humble, and mature, because that is the conclusion I reach when I see that part of the paper.
I would not want to change much about this. It's brilliant, very nice to read. : )
