A very short essay for the European Commission traineeship

Hi everyone, my name is Alessandra, I am a postgrad at the University of Edinburgh. I'm Italian and I am trying to apply for the EC traineeship. However, I am having a lot of problems with how short the essays would be since I feel so much will be left out.

So, essay number 1 is 1500 character long - one essay at one time please!
"Indicate the work area you are interested in, explaining the reasons."

External Relations - the best choice for me

My answer:
I would like to express why I believe External Relations would be the most suitable area for me to work.
Having an ever-growing, solid educational background in international relations, European politics and human rights, I believe that the most I could both offer and obtain from this traineeship would be working in External Relations, which is, without any doubt, the area in which I could give my best. I have always been enthusiastic about International Relations and Foreign Policy and working in this area will allow me to use my skills and my education to improve the cooperation among States, as well as the living conditions of people all over the world.

I feel that working within this sphere where I will be able to see first-hand the strategies and the different policies of the European Union being defined and carried out could more thoroughly afford me the opportunity to later enter the field of political consultancy and to build some crucial and invaluable working experience. Moreover, promoting humanitarian programmes would perfectly fit my interest for human rights and my future intention to set up an NGO helping women in developing countries to access reproductive rights. Not to mention that learning more about mediation and negotiation were the main reasons I chose to enrol into a summer school at NYU, and it would be of primary importance for me to have the chance to work in a traineeship that could grant me all of this.

could you tell me what you think?
Thankss!

Alessandra, this response is like a hamster on a wheel. Constantly churning out words but not getting anywhere. You are not being asked why you think you will qualify for the program, nor what you expect to learn during your time as a student. You were required to represent the reasons for your interest in External Relations. Since you have a background in International Relations, then your response should be based upon that. What international relations do you see as internally problematic that can begin to find a resolution through improved external relations? By offering a thesis statement and then explaining why you believe that is so, then you will be responding to the prompt in a more appropriate manner. The format for your response should be similar to the following:

Par. 1 - An explanation of your international relations background leading up to the presentation of your interest in and a problem related to external relations. Focus on only one problem so you can thoroughly discuss your reasons / explanations with the remaining character count. This all about explanation development. Convince the reviewer of your interest and reasons. You don't need to present several underdeveloped reasons.

Par. 2 - A discussion regarding why you consider this a problem and the underlying reasons for your desire to complete your studies in this field. What do you hope to attain as a masters degree armed professional in this field?

For the reasons, you can use as many paragraphs as you deem fit for your explanations. Just be conscious of the character count. If you go over the count , you will need to edit the essay for content in order to fit in the most important aspects only.

Sadly, I can't go any further with reviewing your essay beyond this point. You will need to make this thread URGENT in order to qualify for additional advice from me should you decide to post a revised version in this thread.