A letter which is given to the organisers of a course about helping improve your memory.

an inquiry to the course organisers

Dear Sir,
I am Nguyen Dieu Linh, I am a freshman at THUONGMAI University. Recently, I saw the advertisement of your course about helping improve memory on street. Although I am experiencing the adolescence stage - the greatest stage of humanity life, I am mistaken these events into other events. I think the reason is I have been stressed for a long time. I am often over worrying about something. Especially, every time I am handed out tasks at University or it can be a test. Currently, My major is International Economics which calls for exploring, finding, studying... so I'm overloaded, tired of deadline tutor request. I think them have resulted in my decision that I must do the course.

Along with my searching, visualization and association techniques are measures which is suitable for me. However, I'm not sure how to use it effectively. On the other hands, I will still try other measures if it is feasible .

I would be thankful if you give me more detail information about the methods you use on the course, the fees, and the timeline for this course as well. My timeline at university is interleaved so I hope you will set for me flexible hours. It can be after 6 o''clock pm.

I think I could benefit a great deal from your course and hope you will reply me soon.
Love,
Linh

Is this for a Task 1 essay? I really need the writing instructions to be able to properly review this work. I am not sure where I should focus my review without the instructions for writing. So I guess I will have to just look at the more common mistakes that will still help you write a better letter next time.

You are using non academic punctuation marks such as ellipses in this presentation. As those indicate a pause in the writing process to give the reader a chance to fully understand what it it is you are trying to say, it should not be applied to an academic letter to the organizers of the course. The presentation of the ellipses give a dramatic effect in an otherwise straightforward conversation.

You are also offering too much information, as far as I can tell, regarding your personal reasons for taking the course when these should only be a general reference that will show your interest in enrolling in the course. The organizers do not have need for your personal information. Your inquiry should focus only on the professional aspect of the inquiry.

You are also indicating a desire to try other metheods is available, so that shows a partial interest in the course which may not make the organizers interested in responding to your inquiry.

The first paragraph of the presentation is a but confusing to read. There is a clear lack of sentence and thought development structure in English. Meaning the reader will find it difficult to understand the point of that paragraph. It causes confusion and will result in a lower GRA score than expected.

Hi Linh,
I guess your mail sent to a foreign professor so I think u should translate the whole name of your uni into English (Vietnam Commercial University) rather than keep the Vietnamese first part (Thuongmai), even though I know it appears like that on Wikipedia.

... humanity life, I am have made mistakes repeatedly these events into other events.
... Currently, My major is... (I think you should paraphrase these sentences because it's quite hard to get your idea) I think them...

... are measures which is are ...
On the other hands...

... give me more detailed information ...

Love, Best regards,

Many thanks .