Motivation letter for Erasmus mundus scholarships - English isn't first language

Hi!
First time here,
I'm attempting to write and exceptional motivation letter for a unique scholarship to Groninger University. I'm very honest with what I say in my letter and I mean every single word but I'm afraid it sounds fake or overdone or just sounds pointless and too extensive. Tips ? Ideas? Criticism is welcome just have in mind english isn't my native language.

Dear Madam, Sir,

Through the following words I hope to express my interest and my strong desire to participate in the Erasmus program at the University of Groningen. I am currently a student of Psychology at the Universidad Nacional Autonoma de Honduras.

I'll start quite bluntly; Throughout my short life, I've seen my country destroy itself. This destruction has not only taken place through extreme violence and corruption, but through the deadliest of all, ignorance. I live by the words of one of the most influential leaders of the xx century, Peter F. Drucker : " Today knowledge has power. It controls access to opportunity and advancement." Mr. Drucker believed we should work with our minds and not only with our hands, for the real key to progress lies in what dwells in our mind, more specifically, on our thinking. And he was not speaking solemnly for academic intelligence, but about wisdom, about creativity, about the ability to generate thoughts that will furthermore give birth to life-changing ideas.

I want to have life-changing ideas, applying to this program is definitely one, especially if I were to get accepted, but even trying feels fulfilling already. And this is what my country needs to do: try.

My ultimate goal upon completion of my bachelor degree is to get a master at forensic psychology. In Honduras, there is only one forensic psychologist, and in a country OPTION A (where violence prevails in the behavior of people) OPTION B (that is consumed by violence and criminality), we can't afford to have such a limited number of people in the field. I strongly believe psychology needs a voice in the study and handling of violence in Honduras; it would do so much good! My country needs to stop ignoring and neglecting the need for the participation of the social sciences, including psychology's intervention in terms of mental health

Social sciences play an important role in the wellbeing of society. In essence, they act out the same tasks in humanity, they must feel it, suffer it and enjoy it in order to understand it and furthermore work with it. I consider myself to have the aptitudes a social scientist needs, specially because I have a great sense of social sensibility and initiative.

Even though my time at college has been short, and the classes I've taken, few, I can confidently assure that the study of psychology has enlightened me in a way that I never thought possible; I love my career. If anything, I hope to have a life changing experience before I can start helping others change their lives.

Groninger is my first choice,not is its location appealing, nor does it only range among the top 100 universities in the world for psychology ( and I WANT high quality education) but it is also authentically international and warmly welcomes students from all over the world. I have a deep appreciation for diversity. The thought/idea of coexisting in the midst of cultural diversity is truly fascinating! It sounds challenging; definitely an experience that would turn my life around.

Straightforwardly, I consider myself to be such aforesaid kind of individual. Absorbing and understanding the NEEDS of a collapsing society in terms of mental health and responding to such exigencies in the most socially sensitive way, will be my contribution.

I very much appreciate the time and consideration you've given to my application,

Rosemary Ochoa.

Your paragraphs are short and i think u added many commas. Try to add different kind of sentence structures

Rose, this is my initial remarks for your essay and we will talk about the essays presentation and how it's written for now.

I understand that before you made the decision to write this application, you made a few research on the scholarship and it's true
the Erasmus Mundus scholarship is one of the most sought after scholarships out there, not only do they provide one of the
best education, they also have one of the most outstanding faculty there is, so this is one shot that you have to take very seriously.

Now, the presentation of your essay is quiet weak, too many segmented paragraphs, what you can do is to merge a few of the small paragraph and roll them to make one full paragraph. Punctuation mark, yes they are to be used but in your case, you use them too much and the input is not in the right place

or manner.

Your word usage and grammar needs polishing too.

As you can see, there's quiet a lot of work to be done so I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Rose, I understand that you exerted effort on revising your essay but I feel like it's still a little bit weak.

Here's what I suggest;

Answer the question, what is a motivation letter, what is your motivation in writing to the university and applying to the program.
This are just the simple questions that you have to answer in your motivation letter.
Remember KISS, Keep It Short and Simple.
Go straight forward with your motivation letter, don't complicate things,
write about the things or the person or maybe an event in life that motivated you to
write the letter and gave you the courage and strength to say yes, I want to get admission in that university.

I also suggest that you write a totally different essay and you will see the difference.

I agree with Ivy. Your essay does sound genuine to me; I feel as if you really do have good intentions in applying to the program. The ideas are good, but perhaps you could expand on them. As Ivy said, tell the admissions board about your motivation for applying to the program - why you think it would help you . Discuss why you want to make a change and who inspired you to make that change. Perhaps talk about how Mr. Drucker's quote inspires you and encourages you to want to help your country.

I will definetely take all of this into account, these ideas dont sound too personal and fail to show how they act within me, so I agree with all of your suggestions it just sounds more informative instead of showing why Im motivated.

I will definetely work on this, I'll close this thread for now as this essay doesnt work very well.
I'll get working on it again and post a new thread with the new result.
Thank you guys!