"a place at biomedical sciences course in Norway" - letter to apply in UK

Hi there, I wrote a letter to apply to universities in the UK through adjustment. adjustment is process where i hold a conditional offer, but my final grades exceeds the conditional offer one, and i will have a chance to find myself a better place at another university. this is not guaranteed, but i want to make sure that i make no mistakes or anything in the letter to maximize my chance. english is not my mother tongue, and i do realize sometime i make some awkward sentences/phrases. so please, help me to point out the mistakes and make some suggestions of another way of writing or a better phrase instead :)

To whom it may concern,

My name is David Jacobson, I am a Finn who lives in Norway currently. I applied to 5 UK universities earlier this year in January and received a conditional offer of 32 IB points at biomedical sciences course from Lancaster University. Now I have fully completed the IB examinations and have obtained the International Baccalaureate Diploma with a total score of ? (Please see the attachment for details). Therefore, this makes me become eligible to apply through Adjustment on UCAS later in August.

My commitment and dedication to hard working is clear, and it remains a constant goal. I am a sufferer of asthma myself since a young age. I understand completely how terrible the disease can cause you in a lot of suffering and how important medications play as a role to relief your pain. My desire of understanding how and why my body acted/acts in a certain way in addition to my determination of finding better solutions for all sufferers from different kinds of diseases to relief their pain will drive me forward in the biomedical sciences course. Furthermore, I also have a great interest in studying management, raised from economics class I attended over the last two years. Therefore, biomedical sciences with management studies course serves me as a perfect match to my interests.

I have been living in Norway for the past 4 years and have had a wonderful experience as an international student. I really would like to study in the UK to continue this experience. I also believe that with the high quality of education offered at your school will help me to achieve my goals and further maximize my potential. Therefore, I am asking in the earnest voice for a consideration of offering me a place at biomedical sciences course or biomedical sciences course with management studies course at your university. My UCAS personal ID is 000-000-000.

Best regards,
David Jacobson

Hei David! :D

Welcome to EF! I hope you'll enjoy it here.
Here are some suggestions for your letter. I hope they'll be useful.
Good luck at getting into the school you want! :3

I applied to 5five UK universities

obtained the International Baccalaureate Diploma with a total score of ? (Please see the attachment for details). -- I suppose the one reading your letter will take the enclosed papers in consideration. I think you can leave that last part out.

this makes me become eligible

My commitment and dedication to hard working is clear, and it(it what?) remains a constant goal. -- The last sentence is vague.

I understand completely how terrible the disease can cause you in a lot of suffering(/that the disease can cause one a lot of pain; that the disease can put you in terrible circumstances) and how important medications play as a role to relief your pain(/how important pain medication is; what important role pain medication plays).

sufferers fromof different kinds of diseases

Therefore, biomedical sciences compiled with a management studies course serves me as a perfect match to(/for) my interests.

I also believe that with the high quality of education offered at(/by) your school will help me to achieve my goals

for a consideration of(/to consider) offering me a place at biomedical sciences course or biomedical sciences course with management studies course(you already mentioned what you're interested in) at your university. My UCAS personal ID is 000-000-000(If this is already written in your resume or another document, I'd say you leave this out. It sounds kinda needy and pushy too.).

Capitalize the first letter of every word in the opening salutation. Also, use a colon:
To Whom It May Concern:

My name is David Jacobson, and I am ...

My commitment and dedication to hard working (Instead of hard work, write about your commitment to achieving a particular goal in biomed science) is clear, and it remains a constant goal.

I am have been a sufferer of asthma myself since a young age. I understand ...

completely how terrible the disease can cause you in a lot of suffering and ...

:-)