Recommendation letter from my internship supervisor

Hi. I am translating my recommendation letter into English. The content can still be discussed with my supervisor so please give your suggestions on the content and the usage of English. (I hide my recommender's information.) Thanks a lot!

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As the Finance Assistant Manager of Millwork Trading (Shenzhen) Limited PanYu Branch and Ms. Huang Shiyun's internship supervisor, I am honored to write this letter of recommendation to support her application for admission to your Graduate School.

I first met Ms. Huang when she applied for the internship in July, 2014. At first, I thought that a sophomore student would be less competitive than other graduate students. However, she surprised me with her quick understanding of the business structure. After the interview, I found she spoke fluent English and thus I was convinced that her ability would meet the requirement of working in a whole-English environment. Moreover, her long-held interest in computer enabled her to use our Oracle based accounting system in no time.

At the time Ms. Huang began her internship, our group (Global Brands Group, a world's leading branded apparel, footwear accessories and related lifestyle product companies) spin-off from Li & Fung Limited (SEHK Stock Code: 787). We set up a brand new finance department in PanYu office to support finance booking of Asia's intercompanies. Therefore, there was lots of unexpected work. In this circumstance, Ms. Huang showed her strong ability to adapt to different tasks. She managed the routine accounting works such as issuing debit note and credit note in two days and quickly learned to book some of accounting entries. From my observation, she was a fast leaner and I was impressed with her solid professional background.

Based on my description of how our company works, Ms. Huang got on track and began her jobs including issuing debit note and credit note, making AR/AP accounting entries, and related finance documents filing. Accounting work requires patience and carefulness. At first, I still need to check the debit note and credit note she made. After a week or so, she managed to eliminate her mistakes by double checking with her colleagues.

In addition, Ms. Huang showed her leadership and active communication skills in team work. Still vivid in my memory is the occasion when another supervisor of the interns left for vacation, Ms. Huang managed to keep her group working on the strength of her finely honed interpersonal skills and solid understanding of our accounting activities. She helped check the supervisor's emails and, after communicated finely with other interns, assigned the missions to the group. She proved to be much more capable than our initial estimation of an intern and became a crucial member of our department.

When Ms. Huang talks to me about his study plan in the US, I am very glad to see that he is endeavoring to pursue a higher degree. Given her excellent performance here, he has my full support. If there is any question about Ms. Huang's work here, please contact me at any time.

Name: xxxxxxxxx
Position: xxxxxxxxxx
Millwork Trading (Shenzhen) Limited PanYu branch
Email: xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Address: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shiyun, the letter of recommendation that you have contains a number of redundancies that you should remove. Even though you did a task twice in different capacities, you do not need to mention it twice. You can simply say something like "during the spin off activities, Ms. Huang performed the task of note checking under the X and X department". That way you shorten the letter of recommendation. Remember, you need to keep it short and direct to the point.

I believe that this narrative will take too much of the reviewer's time to read. Instead of having the reviewer go through the whole essay in order to learn what your competent skills are in relation to your chosen major, use bullet points instead. By using bullet points, you shorten the letter and make it easier to read while offering a host of information about you. Compare the difference between what you have now and the following bullet point sample:

As a sophomore intern at Global Brands Group during our spin-off from Li and Fung Limited. Ms. Huang amazed me with her skills and talents that I never thought I would see in someone so young. She managed to learn and accomplish the following tasks during her time at our Pan Yu Accounting office on her own:

1. Use our Oracle based accounting system
2. managed the routine accounting works such as issuing debit note and credit note
3. making AR/AP accounting entries,
4. related finance documents filing

It amazed me how Ms. Huang learned to accomplish these tasks in as short as 2 days. She also displayed competent leadership skills when one of our supervisors went on leave by:

1. managing to keep her group working on the strength of her finely honed interpersonal skills and solid understanding of our accounting activities
2. helped check the supervisor's emails
3. assigned the missions to the group

She proved to be much more capable than our initial estimation of an intern and became a crucial member of our department.

Now, isn't that easier to read? When presented in this manner, the reviewer can simply scan your letter of recommendation for pertinent details and take note of it at once. He does not need to read the whole email and then forget the information as he goes along because the letter is too long.