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Has television ruined bonds among friends and family or not? TOEFL Independent essay.


naseernasrati 14 / 33 10  
Nov 14, 2017   #1
Do you agree or disagree? (Television has destroyed communication among friends and family). give reasons and examples to support your respond.

watching tv instead of going out with friends and family



Has television destroyed communication among friends and family or not? As far as I am concerned, I agree with this because television causes people spend their free time watching television, become dependent to television and get bad habit of watching television.

Television causes most of us spend our free time watching it, for example, nowadays I watch television five hours per day, while some years ago I used to spend my free times with friends and family. When I use my free time watching television I surely can't see my friends and family to spend my free time with them and enjoy my free times. Television has affected not only my free times but also my study times. Therefore, television has bad effect on our relationships with friends and family.

Also, nowadays people become dependent to television. Whereas some people like to watch series, news and entertainment programs. Different and attractive programs in television attract our attention to become dependent to them. When people become dependent to television it affects our good and old relationship with friends and family. Even though we still spend some of our times with friends and family, the communication is not as good as we must have. So, watching television has destroyed communication with friends and family because we are dependent to it.

Moreover, watching television is a bad habit. Children are more affected by television. As far as I concern children spend much of their times watching entertainment programs on television which is a bad habit for them. Although, they have a lot of responsibilities such as studying and doing homework with their friends and family, they spend their time watching television. Not only children have this bad habit, but also teenagers and youths as well. Students who are studying university or college spend their time watching television instead of spending their time with their friends to participate in group discussions, so it is a bad habit for all of them. Watching television has destroyed relations of students with friends and family.

To sum up, in my view watching television has destroyed communication among friends and family. Because more and more people spend their free time watching television instead of going out with friends and family. Because of attractive and interesting programs on television people become dependent to it whilst they have a lot of responsibilities to do, so, this is a bad habit as well.

summerlin 5 / 12 2  
Nov 14, 2017   #2
Hi naseernasrati:

in the second paragraph:
"When I use my free time watching ..."

there are too many "free time" in this sentence, that may result in lose score.

I would have write it like this:
"when I spend my free time watching television I surely cannot see my friends and families and enjoy the time together."
OP naseernasrati 14 / 33 10  
Nov 14, 2017   #3
@Holt
I need your feedback about my essay
because i will consider your feedback in the future essays.
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,936 2188  
Nov 14, 2017   #4
Naseer, the first rule of English Test writing is that the opening statement is always meant to prove your understanding of the English language. That is why you are asked to paraphrase the original prompt requirement. The difference in the TOEFL test though, is that you should start your discussion in the opening paragraph by presenting your opinion immediately. With that said, you made a mistake in your presentation because you posed a question at the start which is a cut and paste of the original prompt. You are required to always rephrase or reframe the original discussion in a manner that shows your ability to state something in your own words. You actually lose points for not being able to do that, regardless of the test you are taking. I am wondering though as to why you are responding to an IELTS task 2 essay prompt in a TOEFL tests. These exams normally have very different prompt requirements. Therefore:

Television is considered to be one of the reasons that friends and families no longer communicate with one another. I am in agreement with this statement. In this essay, I will illustrate the reasons and examples that will support this claim.

You need to try and use interconnected statements in your body paragraphs. Your essay is very choppy to read due to the lack of transition sentences at the end of each paragraph. Your discussions do not really represent a clearly explained reason as to how television has destroyed communication between family and friends. It would be better if you used reasons that are easier to explain in your essays. Don't start with your personal experience immediately. For the 2nd paragraph, state a reason and explain it. In the 3rd paragraph, give an additional justification, by the 4th paragraph, you can strongly present the example that will drive the message of your essay home in the strongest possible manner.

The reasons that you placed in your concluding statement are very strong and should have what comprised your body of paragraphs. Your concluding statement is faulty as it is not a summary of the previous discussion as expected by the examiner.


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