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Ultimate freedom; 'Tell me if it isn't true for you?'

Rajiv 55 / 400  
Feb 25, 2011   #1
Tell me if it isn't true for you?
That when you're not caught up in 'things to do',
your mind is not submersed, as if,
in some deep and bottomless ocean of feelings .. painful and pleasant, and all shades in between.
Each feeling an association with the happenings in your life,
and you with no choice, except to feel them all, in quiet acceptance.

In that space within,
there is yet some room to breathe,
created as though by another feeling,
which has not come in response,
directly, of these things happening with you.
It is almost of another nature, but not quite.
And you, you most want to believe in this.

So cold and refreshing is the wash of this feeling.
You believe you even have some hold on it,
to make it live on.
A feeling of joy bathing the dried up limbs of your soul, the person within.
You feel it in the region of your heart, a sweet pain,
like a person estranged, an outcast, who doesn't care.

Imagine a darkness, infinite;
against it, a dried tree its branches like claws in the sky;
and trapped within, a cold blue lightning, crackling from limb to limb;
no other place to go but this entity, until finally, it bursts into a flame.
The cracking sound giving way to a soothing murmur;
a diffusing warmth spreading through the coldness of the night.

You regard the scene. Your life, the tree
.. its gray and dried branches, ready to fall.
This incessant lightning, biting your ears;
till finally it finds enough of your substance and bursts into flame;
devouring, devouring sweetly; your limbs,
as they turn to ashes, pieces falling into a nothingness below.

You come from somewhere, see the scarring on the ground,
your cremated remains; and wonder, who was there ?

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 27, 2011   #2
Nice! Who was that masked man?

Well, I saw that my friend had, on his bureau, a check written to him and signed by The Universe. It was for $200,000. I asked him, "Did you forge the Universe's signature on this check? And he said yes, but then he said no. He said yes, he signed it, but no, it was not a forgery.

NonSequitur 3 / 15  
Mar 12, 2011   #3
Hey there, I really enjoyed reading this poem!

Your first stanza does a lot of telling, and I wonder if it have a stronger impact if you tried to add in more descriptive detail that shows the reader what you are saying i.e. elaborate on that "ocean of feelings"...

However, I absolutely love your ending. Perhaps change the structure a bit?

You come from somewhere.
The scarring on the ground, your cremated remains;
and wonder, who was there?

^ Just a suggestion. :) GL!
OP Rajiv 55 / 400  
Mar 13, 2011   #4
Thanks ZiXiang. I agree, it's a better way to put it.

I wish you good luck in your writing !
OP Rajiv 55 / 400  
Mar 17, 2011   #5
Thanks Kevin. I must admit though, I did not understand - the masked man - is it a reference to some writing? And same for the other expression ? It sort of comes close to the idea I am trying to put across, but not exactly. My idea is 'a feeling of total dispassion'.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 20, 2011   #6
Hi Rajiv,

I think the expression, "Who was that masked man?!" comes from some kind of old movies or television shows. I don't know. I was just expressing my enjoyment of your question: who was that? Hey, who was that person, after all?


I always enjoy your stuff.

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