*please leave any comments: criticism, advice, tips. this is a very experimental format but I think I could work it*
The scientific method was developed over a period of thousands of years and through the combined contributions of the world's greatest minds. Today, scientists use the scientific method to address every challenge the world faces. As a man of science, the scientific method strikes a close personal resonance with me. It is the foundation by which I as an intellectual and we as a people enhance our knowledge...
The scientific method you have composed is quite a fascinating read. You address your interests, your personalities, your makings, your beliefs, your everything into the paperwork simply by enduring a single, rather well-known method. Intelligence must have led the way through. Then again, looking at an intellectual's piece of work, it strikes me deep: for very often, intellectuals miss the single most important thing--connections. Everything, if you use your mind so creatively, should be dragged together in a compelling way of writing, yet everything here is merely everything--not whole, but not individuals either. Try to use few connections to brace your arts and crafts with a more desirous look and read.
However to say, I love how you use your scientific grounds so completely creatively. I was stunned at first to frankly say: You are a rare talent indeed. Good luck with your application, I believe it will rest under the "accepted" category at the first read.
P.s. One more thing I need to add, you must avoid using so many times a word over and over again in so small a length of writing. "ambitious" can be interchanged by "aspirational" in ways that suit your composition perfectly.
EssayForum
Very nice paper.
I'd suggest experimenting with some minor re-structuring for clarity in transition of style. You have an informative introduction that sets a technical and scientific tone for the reader which then shifts somewhat awkwardly to an expressive literary prose style. There is nothing wrong with this per se; as a matter of fact, your writing is crisp and focused. It's just a matter of transitioning. The edit below may should give the general idea. Nonetheless, you've written a very nice summary.
I like the way the essay is structured. It has an intriguing style, and some of its uniqueness might be lost if changes were made to it. I think it came from a moment of inspiration, so I would not mess with it.
Here is one idea I just had, though:
My passion expressed in everything I do may briefly reveal it, yet I don't currently hold the opportunity to fulfill my dreams and desires with it I think you can write the second half of this sentence in a way that says something more specific and interesting.
:-)
Maybe a small fixes here and there could tidy up your essay. The idea of analyzing yourself was quite novel! :]
If you don't mind, I think you can delete some words to make your essay cleaner and more sophisticated:
Edit:
The scientific method was developed over a period of thousands of years and through the combined contributions of the world's greatest minds. Today, scientists use the scientific method to address every challenge the world faces. As a man of science, the scientific method strikes a close personal resonance with me. It is the foundation by which I as an intellectual and we as a people enhance our knowledge and progress ourselves. Thus this method is most congruous to answer one of the most challenging questions I face: who am I?
First step, the question. Who am I? It seems simple enough, yet I have lived with me for 17 years and could still not wholly explain who I am. I am complex to say the least, but I can unearth the answer by following the method.
Step two, background research; I need to search for what makes me "me". To start, my family is Roman Catholic and I believe in God, so I am definitely religious. Concerning my family, my grandfather was a very smartan intelligent man who was always dabbling in science; he's a role model to me. Additionally, a thorough read through my bookshelfchoked bookshelf will inform you of all that physics, astronomy, and biology have to offer, and resting on the bookshelf is my certificate of volunteer work running the local planetarium; I definitely love science.(Try to add a transition here - maybe relate science to music or, if one your Grandpa also likes music, you can say that to further support the idea that he is you're role model) If I take a look at my car I notice that most stations are set to a variety of musical genres: pop, rap, rock, and country. Furthermore, my dilapidated piano clearly aches from 8 years of relentless playing; I clearly love music. In fact, "aches" has reminded me of my love for cross country. I see that my third pair of running shoes has been worn to the tread and also see a seven page long running log in my room; I must love sports. Next to my shoes I see a filing box and inside I encounter a bottomless pit of forms from the regional, state, and international science fairs I competed in. I also spot a news letter from a local lab I'm working with and my plans for an independent research project. Clearly I'm very ambitious. I think I've researched enough.
Step three, construct a hypothesis. Based on my research, I would again say that I am complex; I am religious yet I love science, I am interested inpassionate about (? I think interested is a little weak in this context) music and athletics, and I am ambitious. Now I need to test this theory.
Step four, experimentation. My love of both science and God has, perhaps, been my longest lasting experiment. I've refused to surrender either of these passions and thus I've attempted to find a middle groundcompromise them through studying the bible at religious education, taking a myriad of science courses, and finally cross referencing these results to ensure that I was not hypocritical. This test is still ongoing, but early results indicate that my hypothesis was correct, I am religious and I love science. As for music, my euphoric escape from reality, a friend and I have been in competition for two years on who can play the piano the best, and it has yielded a self-created album, an explosion of talent. In addition, my friends fuel my love for sports. From running 3 miles in the rain and mud to cheering on the USA in the world cup, my zeal for sport has persisted despite my busy schedule(It's better to leave this out because it seems a little random and you haven't really mentioned a busy schedule earlier in the essay) .
It appears, though, that I don't have the equipment to fully test this hypothesis, to find out who I truly am. Ambition is difficult to test; I know I have it, yet opportunities are rare. My passion expressed in everything I do may briefly reveal it, yet I don't currently hold the opportunity to fulfill my dreams and desires with it. Perhaps I will find the equipmenttools? (I don't know... It sounds more casual to me... This is just a minor suggesion :) later in life, hopefully in college, but I can only aspire that as I grow as a person and as an intellectual I will be able to use this ambition and my passion to one day finish my own scientific method, knowresolve who I am, and use that knowledge for somethingbecome extraordinary.
Overall - Nice Job! The scientific method idea - who would have thought of that? :)
