I'll be able to make things happen; Motivations with which you apply for the KGSP

Hello i really need your help with my personal statement and i really don't know how to make it, so i dunno if this is worth to pass for. I'm planning to apply KGSP 2019 and i've only 1week remajining. ANY ADVICE IS DEEPLY APPRECIATED.

here are the things that mus be included:

Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background

- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you

- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.

MY PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR KGSP 2019

Poverty is the terrain place that I grow up with and the common ground that most of the people here in my country are stepping in. With this environment at the very young age, my mind was early opened in the reality and saw vividly how hard the life is. I early pushed myself to work as a baby sitter to further sustain my needs, especially in school. Engaging into this job early build up my patience on dealing attitudes not only in babies but more to other people. My parents could not give us the basic necessities because there are both elementary undergraduate. Thus, its difficult for them to find a job to provide our basic needs. I drawn from this circumstances that i should do better to ascend my family in the sludge of poverty and learn to be independent for myself so that I wouldn't be my parent's burden. I nailed myself to study very hard and maintain high grades to be an honor student. This is for future because as i believe that education is the key to success. It wasn't easy to concurrent study and work, it was very difficult, but because of this i became firm, determined and brave man. Also, I became an assistant in a gown and dress shop to finance my senior high school study. There I learned to interact with different kinds of people and most importantly develop my sensibility and adaptability to diverse in its environment. These difficulties that I went through were a blessing to come as opportunity door to my great growth. I engaged also into various activities that can enhance my personal development. I joined as a volunteer in SKYO (Sitio Kaila Youth Organization) in my community that promotes the power of the youths wherein we conducted activities for youth to teach them on the path of reality and what they can do to make a change for themselves, family and society, Also, to encourage them avoid from different vices. Involving myself in this organization bring an essential effect and made realized that it's not the poverty that prohibit a person to afford the good quality of life but it's the inflation force that demotes and debilitates their ability and other penury people I've encountered. This realization drawn me to enter the existing force and led to open my eyes to have interest in the field of accounting and taxation. In these present times everything changes so quickly, regarding this are the issues in economy that are intensively elevating that should be address, this made me solidify to choose this course. In line to this, the interest of field that i chose plays a big role in our economy that sets the people purchasing power in the market and imparting in other aspect of sciences. If this force can't be prevented poverty will took it place and this became my motivation. This motivation led me to this; through KGSP I'll able to translate my words into action. Korea is been one of the fastest growing countries in Asia and has the good taxing system and made me believe that Korean government is strong as its people also. Ever since Korea has an exceptional education system and academic programs that are impeccable, with this type of presence I'll be mold and sharpen in my desired field. I believe this program will be my way through to make my ambition do happen and my bridge to be able to build an exchange of cultures and ideas of one another. Connecting this dots maybe hard but i grew up from difficulties so nothing i can't face it and through this KGSP I'll be able to make that things do happen and help to answer the involving concern issues regarding in this field.

Hello roy,
I'm glad that I can meet someone who intending to apply for the same scholarship as I did, but exhale your breath though since I'm not pinoy hehehe. I'm Indonesian.

Ok, so, the thing that i want to highlight from your essay is you have to divide your essay into several paragraphs thus the committee will enjoy to read your whole essay.

Secondly, you have to be specific to Korea education aspect. If I suppose myself as the committee, I'll ask to this essay like,

"what makes our education better than your country?"

"what aspect that catch your intention through our education?"

Moreover, you have to note that every essay has its prelude, main body, and conclusion. Either you want to follow it or not it's all up to you but as long as I have learnt, my tutor in my Academic Writing class said so.

Furthermore, I have seen several grammatical error to your essay,

1. Thus, its difficult ... 👉 it's

2. It wasn't easy to ... 👉 was not 👉 add comma after this word to separate it from I became . . . since because of phrase needs to be followed by noun/noun phrase.

3. I'll able to ... 👉 I will be able : do not make any contraction since this is a formal type essay for scholarship.

So, what you need to aware more is your contraction. Eradicating the contraction will ace your essay in a whole form.

I hope you'll get your success on this scholarship.

Anyway, may I have your social media so we can get in touch regarding this KGSP stuff?

Rannie, the language you use is overly dramatic to the point of exaggeration. I strongly suggest that you forgo your flair for the dramatics and review the actual prompt requirements, adjusting your content to be more formal and academic in tone. Right now, this essay sounds like you are delivering an emotional speech instead of having a formal interview.

Next, even though your family is impoverished, that should not be the only reason for your scholarship application. Yes, it is admirable that you wish to alleviate your family's dire financial situation. However, you are applying for an international scholarship which is looking to sponsor students whose future career is not in a tunnel vision with regards to financial success. Of what use do you hope to be to the community upon your return? Include a nationalistic aspect as part of your motivation to study in Korea in order to improve that part of the essay.

You did not really touch on your academic background and successes as the prompt requires. Discuss any notable achievements you may have had. Remember, the reviewer is looking for accomplished students to sponsor, not just the needy. In order to convince the reviewer that you are a qualified candidate, you need to prove academic achievements as well. Financial need and a desire to have a sponsor for overseas studies are not enough for a reason to qualify a candidate for this program.

Be more specific with your community organization discussion. Do not use the term "we" but instead, use "I". What did you do as a member of this program? What lessons did you learn that could help improve the Korean educational experience for everyone else who is part of the program? How can you use your community experience to become a stand out scholar in terms of social and community participation?

As for the Korean connection, You are not really saying anything remarkable about the educational system of the country. You are not telling the reviewer anything that he doesn't know about the educational system of the country. In this part, you should mention what course you plan to study and then explain why you believe that a Korean education would best suit your academic goals. What can Korea teach you about your chosen major that you cannot learn in your country? Why is that important to you? Only then will you be able to convince the reviewer that you might qualify for a chance to be a sponsored student in their country.

I guess what I am trying to say is this. The essay you wrote is dramatic and heart wrenching but isn't convincing enough to win you the scholarship. You need to write a totally new essay, one that actually delivers the required information for proper consideration. Trust me, I've helped enough students from your country qualify for this scholarship. I know how to get you into the door.