According to me, a good leader should inspire others to do more positive acts - Chevening Essay

According to me, a good leader should have an ability to inspire others to do more positive acts, someone who communicates clearly, concisely, and often, by doing so motivates everyone to give her or his best all the time. They also have to spread many positive values to others as much as she/he can.

Teaching could be one of the ways to spread the positivity. Teachers can find a wealth of opportunities to extend their influence beyond their own classrooms to their teaching teams or schools. I have passion in Education. In my opinion, education is the most important part of human life. At university, I became lecture assistant of Speech Signal Processing class. It is an honor to me to become lecture assistant because I can share my knowledge to my friends and also could encourage them to learn more. I also became one of research assistant at Digital Signal Processing Laboratory. As research assistants, I and my friends periodically held and lead an academic training that have objective to discussed academic lesson both in theoretical and practical side. There is a great pleasure for me when I have chances to share my knowledge and give them positive impacts through my teaching activities. I also work as a volunteer for street children in Depok, west Java. I teach them how to write, read, and teach basic math. As volunteers we also periodically held recreational events to give some refreshment for the children. According to the Indonesian Ministry of Social Affairs, 40,000 homeless children are living in Indonesia. They have no access to education facilities. Therefore, some social organizations provide educational services for street children.

In 2014, I created real time language translation system from Balinese spoken words into English as my final project in university. I created this system in order to help and motivate Balinese children to learn more about English. I also have planned to enhance my language translation system therefore it could not only translated from Balinese language but also could translate the others traditional language in Indonesia into English words.

In my opinion, education is a basic requirement for a good personality and great future. I believe that Indonesia needs our contributions even though it starts from a small act.

Ni, one thing that you should never do in an academic and professional essay is use the term "According to me." Nothing can ever be according to you. It could be "According to Jim", "According to him","According to her", or according to anyone but you. The proper term to have used would have been, "As far as I am concerned... " or "I believe that..." You definitely have to reword the opening statement to show a higher level of education and an advanced level of English usage.

When yo speak of yourself as a teaching assistant, do not take the attention of the reviewer away from your capacity to lead by including a reference to your friends in the discussion. They are not necessary to the discussion. Focus only on the important aspect which is proving that you have the ability to lead and influence people. As a teaching assistant, you should be able to prove that you have the ability to influence the students in the class towards a better learning process.

Talk about your volunteer activities as a new, separate paragraph. Since that is a new topic of discussion, it should be given its own paragraph. The rule of thumb is "one paragraph, one topic". That is because the reader can end up confused when you discuss more than one topic in a single thread. They lose their flow of thought and get confused. They lose their ability to keep track of the discussion. So use transition sentences and discuss new topics in new paragraphs. That applies to all the topics in this essay.

Your last 2 paragraphs do not have any direct relation to your leadership and influencing skills. So it would be in your best interest if you develop a new and more relevant concluding paragraph rather than trying to fix these problem portions.

Hi Holt, thanks for your feedback
I have revised my previous essay based on your comments, please review if my essay is good enough or still has some points that are not suitable,

thank you for your support :)

As far as I am concerned, a good leader should have an ability to inspire others to do more positive acts, someone who communicates clearly, concisely, and often, by doing so motivates everyone to give her or his best all the time. They also have to spread many positive values to others as much as she/he can.

Teaching could be one of the ways to spread the positivity. Teachers can find a wealth of opportunities to extend their influence beyond their own classrooms to their teaching teams or schools. I have passion in Education. In my opinion, education is the most important part of human life. At university, I became lecture assistant of Speech Signal Processing class. By being a lecture assistant, I have an opportunity to learn how to encourage and influence people to learn more about the lesson. Moreover, I also have a responsibility to lead some research in my class.

I also became one of research assistant at Digital Signal Processing Laboratory. As research assistants, I and my friends periodically held and lead an academic training that have objective to discussed academic lesson both in theoretical and practical side. There is a great pleasure for me when I have chances to share my knowledge and give them positive impacts through my teaching activities.

I also work as a volunteer for street children in Depok, west Java. I teach them how to write, read, and teach basic math. As volunteers we also periodically held recreational events to give some refreshment for the children. According to the Indonesian Ministry of Social Affairs, 40,000 homeless children are living in Indonesia. They have no access to education facilities. Therefore, some social organizations provide educational services for street children.

I believe that by teaching, we could help others to explore their own talents & success and also influence them to make their positive contributions for their home countries.

For your second paragraph, directly relate your ideas about teaching to your personal philosophy about leadership and influence. Open the paragraph by saying:

"On my part, I use teaching as a way to influence and increase positivity among my students..."

That makes your declaration and the whole paragraph all about you and your leadership and influencing ability, even though no concrete example has been presented. You at least show a direct relation between teaching, leadership, and influencing within your workplace. Own the second sentence as well by having it come from a first person perspective instead of a 3rd person point of view.

Build up your Speech Signal Processing class by using it as a separate paragraph. Offer solid instances of leadership and influencing so that this can be the launching point of your actual experience instead of always presenting an observational narrative. By the way, you still mention your friends in the paragraph about the Digital Signal Processing Laboratory. Just remove that whole sentence. It isn't worth keeping because it takes attention away from you. Keep the sentences after it.

Your closing paragraph is still weak. Try to say something more about your role as a leader and influential person in the future. Don't just present such a simple discussion. It weakens the overall essay. Let's try to make this stronger for your benefit.