"to more accurately reflect the diversity of America" - Too Professional? Peace Corp

Hello People!

First off, thank you for any advice or comments. I really appreciate your help. Joining the Peace Corp is a big step and writing the essay is hard.

Any feedback will be most helpful. I'm afraid that my essay is to "business" like and not convincing. I've been working on this essay for a LONG time (upwards 2 years). I finally feel comfortable enough, with what I have to ask for comments.

Word Count: 479

The Peace Corps: A Non-Traditional Path

As a young single African American woman, I have lived a rather privileged and sheltered life. I have had much provided to me: an education, a safe home, good health as well as anything else I ever wanted or needed. My family provided me opportunities to learn and grow, so now I feel that is my turn to take the next steps and explore the rest of the world - by taking a risk and facing a challenge.

I knew a long time ago from hearing stories from my grandmother of her worldly travels that I wanted to see the world through a distinctive experience. I believe that the Peace Corps will be able to provide that uniqueness through immersion into a different culture and the opportunity to learn a new language.

The main reason that I would like to join the Peace Corps is to give back to the global community, while educating my whole person through experience based learning. I am motivated by the responsibility to engage the rest of the world in a mutually beneficial dialogue - volunteering. My goal in life is not to leave a huge mark on the world but to make a difference regardless of the scale. By applying the educational philosophies and practical experiences gained in the work place and during college, I will be doing something meaningful not based on the financial reward but on the difference that it will make a on my life and on others.

Even though I have a positive mindset about the overall Peace Corp experience, I know that the integration and transition into the 27 month commitment will be a difficult. I recognize that the Peace Corps requires flexibility and the understanding that I may not be quickly acclimated or accepted into my new community. To overcome the daily struggles of the Peace Corps, I will rely on my faith that the obstacles regardless of the difficulty will make me a stronger person.

I believe that understanding and living with diversity is an urgent challenge that the world needs to face. While in college, I volunteered with the International Student Association to help increase cross-cultural awareness among the community. My intent was to close the cultural gaps are significantly wide at Towson University. Since graduation, I have continued to encourage cultural diversity and citizen diplomacy, "One Hand Shake at a Time" at the World Trade Center Institute. The Peace Corps will continue my mission to expose the different faces of Americans.

If I am accepted into the Peace Corps, I will take the responsibility to more accurately reflect the diversity of America; I will be dedicated my placement community and I will be patient. I will work hard to fulfill the Peace Corps core expectations and most importantly, I will re-define myself as an open-minded citizen of the world.

The core of your essay is fairly strong. I can see that you are going into the Peace Corps in order to make a difference, but you do not have outlandish goals. You seem grounded and level-headed - both of which are good qualities to convey in your essay. You may want to tweak some of your prose simply to make it more readable. Phrases such as "I knew a long time ago from hearing stories from my grandmother of her worldly travels that I wanted to see the world through a distinctive experience." can get confusing. Make them more concise and clearer.

I don't believe your essay is too professional. Read it over a few more times aloud to spot any grammatical mistakes and breaks in the flow of your paper. Otherwise, well done.

Alec,

Thank you for your feedback. It is most appreciated.

As a young single African American woman, I have lived a rather privileged and sheltered life. I have had much provided to me: an education, a safe home, good health, as well as anything else I ever wanted or needed. My family provided me opportunities to learn and grow, so now I feel that it is my turn to take the next steps and explore the rest of the world - by ______________________ (I think you can say something more specific here. This spot at the end of the first paragraph is very important. If you get very specific, the whole essay will be more powerful. taking a risk and facing a challenge.

The main reason that I would like to join the Peace Corps is to give back to the global community, while educating my whole person through experience based learning. ----This sentence is constructed in a way that shows that you are intelligent, but it is kind of generic... like a slogan that might be used by the Peace Corps. It is much more interesting if you can express something about your specific goals for the future... your specific plan. Do you have a plan? You are most persuasive if this step, joining the Pace Corps, is part of a plan you are carrying out. It should be based on a specific goal you have, something that is important to you, something you feelis your calling.)

---to make a difference ---See? cliche. All the essays say the same stuff. But if you say something about your niche, your particular calling in life... that makes the essay unique.

This is so eloquent, and I am sure they will be impressed. My criticism above is probably not very important in this case, but I hope you catch my meaning... whenever you want to distinguish yourself, eloquence is not enough. You need to be hell bent on carrying out your carefully devised plan. That is what inspires people... just like when a politician runs for office.

Kevin,

I appreciate your insight. Your comments and criticism are well warranted and I do see your point on making it more specific to my actual goals.

Thank you again!