Hi, I would really like your feedback and comments on my answer on leadership for the Chevening Scholarship. It is supposed to be 500 words maximum and it has 600, would you help me to shorten it?
Q: Chevening is looking for individuals that will be future leaders or influencers in their home countries. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your own leadership and influencing skills to support your answer.
Essay:
Throughout my life I have been very active about the themes that I am passionate about, which has pointed me to take leading and influencing roles.
Firstly, since I love literature thanks to Harry Potter, at the age of 17 I founded what became the biggest Harry Potter fan club in the country: Hogwarts Colombia. For more than 3 years, I leaded this multi-platform group. Every month I organized a gathering in Bogota with different activities, a reading club among those. Using the internet, the club expanded to 7 more cities in the country. It achieved national recognition and had alliances with book editors, magazines, cinemas and other fan clubs.
Then, as my passion about Cultural Studies grew, in my freshman year at the University I joined Errantio, a students' magazine with an interdisciplinary and critical thinking perspective. All the members were graduating that semester and the magazine was about to close. So, next semester I took the leadership with a friend. We gathered new members, talked with the Faculty and made fundraising activities such as bake sales and raffles. With the new editorial team, the magazine was very successful. It had several editions and University acknowledgment. We applied a mechanism so that when we left, the magazine would still be running, as it is now.
During that time, I was also Representative of Languages and Cultural Studies at the Students Council. There, besides representing the students of my major in council meetings and high instances of the University, I was Director of the Cultural Committee, where I organized cultural projects for students. I was also part of the organization team of the Model United Nations of the University in 2013, in particular in the journalistic coverage.
Due to these experiences, as well to my academic achievements, I earned a place to do an internship in the delegation of Colombia to the United Nations in New York City. There I attended to all the conferences and side-events possible, as I wanted to learn a lot. When the internship finished, my direct supervisors and the Ambassador recognized me as one of the best interns, highlighting my hard-working and leadership skills.
Upon my return to Colombia, I wanted to do something to support the peace process with the FARC guerrilla. Therefore, I joined Rodeemos el Dialogo, a transnational network of civilians supporting the negotiated ending to the armed conflict in Colombia through the promotion of a culture of dialogue. Since mid-2015 I have been participating voluntarily in the organization of events, including our landmark Breakfasts of Peace. I am in charge of the communications of the foundation (e-mail, social networks) and moving the campaign #YoFirmoLaPaz #EmbracePeaceCol for the Yes vote on the referendum. I am also part of the Pedagogy group, where I give workshops on the peace process, the peace culture and negotiation, in different places of the city.
These experiences demonstrate that I have the necessary resources to be a good leader and I am eager to keep applying them. I see it as a vote of confidence of those groups of people in my abilities and directing style. As I don't believe that a leader has to take an autocratic attitude, I have always taken a horizontal approach. That is how I reckon that I earned their trust. Instead of giving closed orders, I try to make people around me to believe in their ideas and opinions, empowering them and at the same time learning from their experiences and thoughts. I give directions and organize but always recognizing that I'm a part of a group in which all the people are equally valuable.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,864 
4788 Lucia, let's get one thing clear here, you absolutely cannot use the Harry Potter fan club as your major example of leadership skills. It is juvenile and doesn't give the reader much faith regarding your leadership abilities. Nothing trivial can ever prove that you can lead and inspire people. This sort of club is more of a hobby than anything else. The Chevening scholarship requires seriousness and an understanding of what it means to be a leader because the scholarship is using the platform to train world leaders of tomorrow. So no references to pop culture at all please. Be professional at all times. Show that you have an understanding of the responsibility that comes with being a scholar of this prestigious foundation.
My advice to you is to start your essay with your performance of your Representative duties at the Erranto. The list of your college activities, leading up to your internship at the United Nations are all clear examples of your leadership and influencing skills. Just try to present a little more information regarding how you performed those duties while you were in New York.
Your leadership skills are quite admirable and you have a strong belief in your definition of leadership. However, we need to see a little more information regarding your ability to influence others to become of assistance to you in an effort to achieve your goals. Once you set that example in, along with the aforementioned suggestions, then your essay will be all set for use.
