"You can do it"-Adversity ; Why should I deserve this scholarship?

"You can do it" was a rhythm in my head as I got closer to the end of my race at a swim meet. A cheer broke out when I touched the block not only because I won first place, but it was also because I was the only girl in a male race due of the lack of female swimmers for my event. When the referee blew his whistle, the stress and intimidation of competing against all the boys were gone because in those forty seconds, all I knew was doing my best to pay off for all the rigorous training every day. This small victory motivated me to believe in myself and keep going in life despite challenges. I recalled countless times telling myself not to quit when I was exhausted from balancing school, work, and extracurricular activities simply because these were what I loved doing. My father is the only supporter for our family; his income is only enough for the basic necessities. I work during school to help him financially and save money for university because a university degree is unaffordable for my family. I still excel academically and also lead the robotics team. Additionally, I am an ambassador for the Playing for Keeps to promote an active and healthy lifestyle in the community. I dream of being an engineer to improve people's lives by designing systems that make it easier to access education and healthcare for everyone even in third world countries. Struggles with finances increase when my brother is also going to university next year. This scholarship can help me continue my passion for engineering and reduce the financial burden. I also can participate more in volunteer work and initiative to give back to my community, my country and to change it for the better.

This victory over boys made me very confident and believe in my capabilities as well as taking up challenges as the life moves on.


I feel this sounds a bit overdone... you talked about your perseverance and adventurous characteristics already and now come to a new idea. I suggest;

However, my life was not free from challenges. (now you can talk about family finance issues)


My father is the only bread winner in my family and his income is sufficient only for managing our basic necessities.


I work during school? this is not very clear... do you work part time? I feel you need to re-phrase this.
I'm extremely sorry for deleting your first post by error... Pls re-draft this and post ; I would do my best to help you with this :)