Essay about African-American leader in my field who has inspired me to achieve my goals

an inspiring economist from Yale

In my life I've seen and been through some hard times. I've seen dead people, been homeless, lived right in front of a Drug house whose owner murdered two people, escaped crazy family members, prayed over dead classmates, had the swat team in my back yard, had one neighbor stab his girlfriend, seen another neighbors thirteen year old kidnapped and then found shot in the stomach and head, been stalked, had to get down on the floor to avoid getting shot, been bullied and to top it all of I almost got aborted be but in spite of all that there has been one leader in the African American community that has inspired me to achieve my goals and that is Dr. Andrew Bears an economist that taught at Yale University who teaches in order to advance in this country it is important to know financial literacy.

Can anyone give me some tips on how to improve my Hook Paragraph essay.

Aquilah, the first thing you can do to improve your hook is to make it more relevant to the inspiration that Dr. Bears had on your life. This inspiration needs to relate to the person's actual profession or life story. Since he is an Economist, I can only assume that you are planning to study Economics in college. So you need to connect the dots between his life experiences and yours somehow. The effective hook will come form either a comparison of your background's or the strong similarity of the background or a singular life experience. Remember, this essay is all about Dr. Bears inspiring you to achieve your goals. I don't get a sense of that with this opening statement. It sounded more to me like you would have been inspired by a lawyer or a police officer, but not an economist, based upon your life experiences. You may want to rethink your opening statement. Write a new one that will probably help you to better connect the inspirational aspect with your life. As of now, this hook cannot be improved in my opinion. Instead, it should be replaced.