Ambition to become an oustanding commodity trader (Postgraduate Economics program)

Hello,

This is the first time i'm writing essay for scholarship application. They're asking to write short description (less than 200words) about my proposed program and why i choose it. I'm applying for Economics program but my working experience is in Trading.

I really need yr help to comment on my essay's grammar & content. Is it too formal, general or hard to understand?
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Globalization is rapidly changing the scope and nature of international trade, especially commodity trading. As I've experienced, key changing factors mostly belong to international economic issues instead of commodity market itself. Thus, I was immediately impressed by xxxx program from xxxx to study and understand underlying economic forces and principles. Though the program is not really focusing on commodity trading, it will perfectly supplement for my inadequate skills in (1) understanding the impacts of international economic factors and how these principles may be analyzed in the context of commodity trading sector; (2) studying how to use financial tools and techniques to forecast commodity price as well as to hedge trading risks and (3) understanding about real-time trading floors and strategies to trade efficiently.

With strong ambition to become an oustanding commodity trader and one of pioneers in commodity's trading floors in xxxx, I believe this proposed course will provide me excellent skills for higher achievement in my future career. In addition, it makes me well persuaded that the qualification achieved from this program will help me contribute more to the development of xxxx's trading industry as well as enhance bilateral trading activities between xxxx and other countries, especially xxxx.

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Thanks
Kenny

Hi!
Your entire essay is about your memories and experiences. You wrote:"I always keep in mind the importance of my contributions to surround communities." better to explain why contribution to communities is important.

"My spirit to work for the good of my community continuescontinuedwhen I returned after graduation."

thank you

I moved your other essay to a new thread. Please start a new thread every time you write a new essay. If you revise this essay, keep it in this thread. :-)

...and strategies for trading efficiently.

This essay has hardly any mistakes, but the other has a lot of spelling mistakes.

Here is one... you misspelled "outstanding"
With strong ambition to become an outstanding commodity trader and ...

...one of the pioneers in commodity's trading floors in xxxx, I believe this proposed course will provide me excellent skills for higher achievement in my future career. ( I think you should replace the part I crossed out. Replace it with something specific that this program provides... perhaps something that other programs do not provide.

Thanks Zeinab1383 & Kevin for yr nice suggestion. i intend to re-write my essay asflws, is it OK?
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Globalization ... I was immediately impressed by xxxx program from xxxx to study these economic principles and to develop my specialized knowledge through the process of international economic and financial integration . With strong ambition to become an outstanding commodity trader and one of the pioneers in commodity's trading floors in xxxx, I believe this proposed course will perfectly supplement for my inadequate skills in (1) understanding the impacts of international economic factors and how these principles may be analyzed in the context of commodity trading sector; (2) studying how to use financial tools and techniques to forecast commodity price as well as to hedge trading risks and (3) understanding about real-time trading floors and strategies for trading efficiently.

It also makes well persuaded that ....

I like it!! I like the efficiency of a numbered list, and I think the reader will appreciate the clarity.

This does something cool, too:
I was immediately impressed by---- it plants a message in the reader's mind... "I am impressed"...
the subconscious mind becomes impressed with YOU.
:-)

What kind of gibberish?

Cut to the chase and remove all the vague filler content.

Tks a lot Kevin
Tks Mustafa 1991--> I like yr objection but highly appreciate if you could advise me more detail which part of my essay is gibberish, vague or unnecessary content.

This essay is just short description (200words only) so i don't really know whether i should be more specific or provide more detail.
Anyway, below is revised introduction, pls share yr time to comment:
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International economic forces are affecting across many different business including commodity trading sector. Everyday, manufacturers, purchasers, traders, etc. are not simply talking about the supply and demand of commodities but also about exchange rate, trade policies, fund investments, etc. Therefore, I was immediately impressed by....

"across" does not fit here.
I'll add a comma before "including."
Every day is two words, unless you are using it as an adjective (i.e. I completed my everyday ativities and searched for something new to entertain me.)

I'll add "and so forth" because it is better than "etc."

International economic forces are affecting across many different businesses, including the commodity trading sector. Every day manufacturers, purchasers, traders, etc. are not simply talking about the supply and demand of commodities but also about exchange rate, trade policies, fund investments, and so forth. Therefore, I was immediately...

:-)

Globalization, by definition, makes the first sentence a definition (commodity trading is the only new information presented). Don't start a sentence "As I've experienced,", and demonstrate the potential disaster associated therewith. Please try to ensure that each subsequent sentence is somehow related to the subject or predicate (directly prior).

Here's an example of how you might want to fix your sentence structure:

Globalization is changing the nature of inter-party transactions in a multitude of ways, but its effect has been especially pronounced in commodity trading.

Actually, sorry to be blunt, but I cannot make sense of the text in any proper fashion, in relation to whatever your intent is.

Hmmm, reading the latest post, it appears a tad more workable, but it's still so liable to cause the reader (me, in this case) to misunderstand that I think you need to practice exercises on narrowing the scope of what you want to write about. This is not an English problem, but rather one of missing/misconfigured connections between sentences and ideas. When your reader must do his/her job 3-5 times to sufficiently comprehend some theme, you have failed him/her.

I'm jealous that you said this, when it is something I have been thinking but did not know how to say. I am not talking about this essay particularly, but in general it is important for a writer to not cause the reader to work harder than necessary.

I think that is why Yoda always speaks in short, simple sentences.