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'Nowadays in Berlin' - cutting 60 words and final corrections: Community service



Alma83E 1 / 1  
Jun 18, 2012   #1
Hey people I need help finishing few texts for an scholarship application by the end of the week. After this one come other 3 and I hope someone can help me.

This text need to be cut down to 200 words ( now has 63 too many) and I will be happy if someone could check the content too ( according to the task)

Many tanks.. I'm in rush!!
I'm applying for a scholarship that would allow me to do a master in Choreography. (contemporary dance)

Prompt:
Please provide details of your participation in community service activities outside of your regular studies and/or employment that provides a benefit to your nation and/or your community (Maximum 200 words)

During the time I lived in Argentina, I was part of a small non-profit dance ensemble whose main purpose was to bring cultural activities to those Argentinian provinces without a regional performance scene. In order to introduce dance to young people, on each tour, we would also organize workshops free of charge. This experience has remained in my memory as one of the most inspiring times of my career. Being able to introduce dance to others and experiment it's therapeutic and liberating effect, would always help me to reconnect with that basic "organic need" that made me become a dancer in first instance.

I have always tried to live up to that essential spirit, an awareness of how valuable it is to be actively involved with people from other backgrounds. This is fundamentally what has motivated me, while working in Germany, to offer several dance workshops for children, as well as weekly open dance training sessions.

Nowadays in Berlin, I have the great pleasure of being part of an ambitious and talented multidisciplinary team that organizes cultural events and promotes activities of exchange. Aiming to share our national traditions in Berlin, the Argentinian part of this team, organize Tango and Argentinean folklore evenings with showings and lessons. In response to our activities, we obtained the institutional support of the Argentinian embassy in Berlin and we are in the process of becoming an official non-profit organization.

The great spirit of collective collaboration that has been created through this exchange is for me a way to bring the function of a society to its roots.

dumi 1 / 6793  
Jun 18, 2012   #2
Some suggestions to come down on your word count;

During the time I lived in Argentina

------------ During my stay in Argentina / While I was in Argentina

I was part of a small non-profit dance ensemble whose main purpose was to bring cultural activities to those Argentinian provinces without a regional performance scene.

I was part of a small non-profit dance ensemble that focused on bringing cultural activities to Argentinian provinces without a regional performance scene.

, we would also organize

------------- we organized

This experience has remained in my memory as one of the most inspiring times of my career.

--------- This is one of my most memorable and inspiring career experiences .
Being able to introduce dance to others and experiment it's therapeutic and liberating effect, it would always help me to reconnect with that basic "organic need" that made me become a dancer in first instance. --------------- think of rephrasing this sentence. Your idea does not flow well ... a bit confusing

I have the great pleasure of being part of an ambitious and talented multidisciplinary team that organizes cultural events and promotes activities of exchange.

I enjoy working with an ambitious talented multidisciplinary team that organizes cultural events and promotes activities of exchange.
OP Alma83E 1 / 1  
Jun 18, 2012   #3
Tnx a lot for the help! I did the corrections, Could please someone give me a last check ?
Prompt:
Please provide details of your participation in community service activities outside of your regular studies and/or employment that provides a benefit to your nation and/or your community (Maximum 200 words)

While I lived in Argentina, I was part of a small non-profit dance ensemble that focused on bringing cultural activities to Argentinian provinces without a regional performance scene. In order to introduce dance to young people, on each tour, we also organized workshops free of charge. This experience has remained in my memory as one of the most inspiring times of my career.

I have always tried to live up to that essential spirit, an awareness of how valuable it is to be actively involved with people from other backgrounds. This is fundamentally what has motivated me, while working in Germany, to offer several dance workshops, as well as weekly open dance training sessions at the theatre.

Nowadays in Berlin, I have the great pleasure of being part of a talented multidisciplinary team that organizes cultural events and promotes activities of exchange. Aiming to share our national traditions in Berlin, (and counting with the institutional support of the Argentinian embassy) we offer Tango and Argentinean folklore evenings, with showings and lessons.

The great spirit of collective collaboration that has been created through this exchange is for me a way to bring the function of a society to its roots.


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