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"Volunteer desire, the Community House" -U of I community service essay


jh1118 1 / -  
Oct 27, 2010   #1
This is my second essay for the University of illinois..(about the community service)
i REALLY REALLY need help because i have to sumbit this on friday..
any comment/feedback/critic will be very appreciated!:)
thanks for your time!

Starting junior year I began to work as a volunteer for the after school program at the Community House. I went there every Friday from four to six. My job was to look after kids and play games or creative activities together such as baking cookies or playing sports in the gym.

During the time I worked there I realized how important it is to give back to the community through volunteer work. I found this job interesting because I got to interact with people in many ways. For example, on Halloween last year, I went treat-or-tricking with kids around our neighborhood. Before the night of Halloween, my friends and I noticed a child in the program named Alice who sat alone looking upset, because her single-mom did not allow her to go treat-or-treat with her friends. Her eyes with the eagerness to join everybody else were unforgettable. So the next day we visited her mom and chatted about how we would ensure her safety. We asked for permission because we all wanted to see Alice happy. Surprisingly, not only did her mom agree but also helped us dress up as vampires. She told us that she appreciated our sincerity to take care of her daughter and came up with the idea of trick-or-treating together. Even though the end of October had always been cold, I did not feel any cold winds that night because I felt proud of myself for making Alice's little wish came true.

I initially decided children as my area of interest when choosing this volunteer work because I love children and always take pleasure spending time with them. My volunteer desire became stronger after this Halloween event with Alice. A year of helping around the community now became a significant memory of my life, and I believe that this volunteer work benefited me to become a more mature person in many ways.

please comment thank you:)!!

tstephenson 3 / 6  
Oct 27, 2010   #2
My job was to look after kids and play games or creative activities together such as baking cookies or playing sports in the gym.
i would get rid of "together" its just an extra word in the sentence and makes it sound awkward.

I initially decided children asare my area of interest when choosing
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 2, 2010   #3
I worked there I realized how important it is to give back to the community --- This is kind of a cliche... but not too bad!

At the end of the first paragraph, I think there should be a sentence to tell the reader what the essay's theme is going to be.

A year of helping around the community now became a significant memory of my life, and I believe that this volunteer work benefited me by making me become a more mature person in many ways.

Sorry I didn't help in time for the deadline!


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