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Canada Univeristy Scholarship/ Leadership & Service/ Lesson learned


di10di 2 / 6 2  
Apr 14, 2013   #1
Please provide a detailed record of your service and leadership, and an essay indicating how your service or leadership has been a meaningful part of your education (Max 300 words)

I had been a member of a Student Council since the Sixth Grade. Since then, I've known about responsibility and obligation to serve and I applied them to represent the voices of the student body. Whether the issue was about choosing the theme for the school's social event or rallying students to participate in the "March for the Homeless," I was motivated by the aspect that I helped a group of young people achieve a common goal. Then in high school, I was finally elected as the Treasurer. As I was held accountable for all transactions of the Council's funds, I always took charge of fundraising operations; communicated with sponsors and managed logistic for school events. In addition to my duties as the Treasurer, I played an active role as a member by helping to organize the school's excursions near and far, carnivals and yearbooks. Teachers and fellow students believed in my leadership skills and in my senior year, I was chosen as a Team Captain for school-wide Sports Day. Also, I am proud to say I maintained my good grades while I kept myself busy with extra curricular activities.

After graduation, I carried on participating in various community services by volunteering as an English tutor for Burmese children and adults. My students varied in age and economic backgrounds but a high percentage of them were unable to attend school regularly due to their families' financial situations. According to their education levels, I taught them basic English grammar, comprehension and speaking skills and at times, other subjects like science and geography as well. To me, tutoring is a mutually beneficial service for both the students and the teacher. Just like how Student Council had ingrained in me a sense of responsibility and a leadership mindset, tutoring had taught me about compassion and effective communication. I understood the power of knowledge and the right way to use it. Now, I believe my commitment to community service has made me a better person who is strong, efficient and a person a community can be proud of.

Did I answer the prompt well? I'm over the word limit by like 50. Can you give me ideas on what to cut? Thanks!

OP di10di 2 / 6 2  
Apr 14, 2013   #2
Slightly altered version. Please check my English and let me know if I effectively answered the question. Like I said earlier, I'm over the word limit so please advice me on what to omit.

I had been a member of a Student Council since the Sixth Grade. Since then, I've known about responsibility and obligation to serve. (Is this part weird? How should I word it? I'm trying to say that I'm responsible and I care for others) Whether the issue was about choosing the theme for the school's social event or rallying students to participate in the "March for the Homeless," I was motivated (?) (Is 'appealed better?) by the aspect that I helped a group of young people achieve a common goal. Then in high school, I was elected as the Treasurer. As I was held accountable for all transactions of the Council's funds, I always took charge of fundraising operations; communicated with sponsors and managed logistic for school events. In addition to my duties as the Treasurer, I played an active role as a member by helping to organize the school's excursions near and far, carnivals and yearbooks. Teachers and fellow students believed in my leadership skills and in my senior year, I was chosen as a Team Captain for school-wide Sports Day. Also, I am proud to say I maintained my good grades while I kept myself busy with extra curricular activities.

After graduation, I carried on participating in various community services by volunteering as an English tutor for Burmese students. They varied in age and economic backgrounds but majority of them were unable to attend school regularly due to their families' financial situations. According to their education levels, I taught them basic English: grammar, comprehension and speaking skills and at times, other subjects like science as well. To me, tutoring is a mutually beneficial service for both the students and the teacher. Just like how Student Council had ingrained in me a sense of responsibility and a leadership mindset, tutoring had taught me about compassion and effective communication. I understood the power of knowledge and the right way to use it. Now, I believe my commitment to community service has made me a better person who is strong, efficient and a person a community can be proud of.
shaddy 17 / 47 7  
Apr 14, 2013   #3
Hi

Your writing is well structured. The corrections I've made is just my own intuitions to say the things, I would like to be corrected if I am wrong in correcting them.

Regards
S
OP di10di 2 / 6 2  
Apr 15, 2013   #4
Thanks Shaddy!

Anyone else? Please I would really appreciate more help. Harsh criticisms are welcomed!


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