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career as a Pharmacist, scholarship Essay


yung 1 / 2  
Feb 12, 2010   #1
Educational goals/career objectives

My goal is to pursue a career as a Pharmacist. In times where sickness fills the earth, Pharmacists and other medical authorities are needed more than ever to help nurse the world to it's best health.

What motivating factors or important experiences have helped shaped your personal philosophy and/or educational goals or career objectives?

One of the motivating factors in choosing a pharmacy career occured when I was a waiter at a senior citizen home. After a day of hard work I rested on an elegant chair, waiting for my transportation. Soon, my eye caught an elderly man making his way toward me in a wheelchair, accompanied by a smiling attendant. The attendant soon left, leaving the man to wait on a family visit. A few minutes of silence passed before he began speaking to me, talking about his life experiences and soon his health problems.

"The food here has too many carbohydrates... Lately I have been feeling unhealthy. My shape is coming apart. I feel lethargic.." He said weakly.

As I listened to him I felt powerless. He looked like a prisoner in his chair with his shoulders slumped forward and his hands tilting sideways. Reflecting on the moment, I felt that he was a medical patient begging me for help. Unfortunately, I was only a teenager waiting for a ride home from work, incapable of helping anyone. Moments like these is what powers my desire to pursue a career in Pharmacy. Millions of people, whether young or old, are weakened or killed by sickness; and I consider it an honor and duty if I can aid them in strength through medicine.

How will you finance your education?

I will vigorously apply for scholarships and seek grants. I search scholarship websites daily in order to find atleast three potential scholarships. I refuse to let financial difficulties stop my educational pursuits.

Why do you feel you should receive this scholarship and what would it mean to you if you received it?

I should receive this scholarship because I feel it would be an investment in a person who wants to achieve something more than himself. By this I mean becoming an object used to spread peace of mind to many people. By using this resources, it will bring my chase to a medical profession closer, and in doing so I can help hundreds of people with the medical attention they need.
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Feb 12, 2010   #2
I think there are three types of mistakes; blatant errors, questionable usage of grammar, and questionable approach to content. Ideally, one can make it out of the first category, if we are allowing a total of five mistakes.

1. its* = possessive
2. occurred* = correct spelling
3. are* = plural, if "moments like these"
4. at least* = two discrete words
5. these* = plural, if "resources"

You didn't make it out of the first category and I only looked at glaring errors.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 13, 2010   #3
Are you allowed to write more in that first part? You can get more specific. If you want to nurse the world to health, why not be a nurse? You should write about what kind of pharmacist you want to be and what kind of work you want to do (i.e. research?).

In times where In times when

Mustafa is the Simon Kowel of EssayForum!!

One of the motivating factors that influenced me to choose a pharmacy career occurred when I was a waiter at a senior citizen home.

After a day of hard work ... about his life experiences and soon his health problems. nice job, tis is good writing!

You wrote this beautifully. I really believe you have good intentions to help elderly people.

Moments like power my desire to pursue a career in Pharmacy.

Still, though, I don't know why it has to be pharmacy. Your interest in helping could be satisfied in any health profession. Why pharmacy?

You should be very confident!
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Feb 13, 2010   #4
Millions of people, whether young or old, are weakened or killed by sickness;

The senior citizen in your example was not demonstrably sick, just old and perhaps overfed/overweight. Do you have another moving experience with a sick person?

I refuse to let financial difficulties stop my educational pursuits.

You can also mention willingness to work (and earn your keep.) Colleges now give more work/study opportunities.

who wants to achieve something more than himself. By this I mean becoming an object used to spread peace of mind to many people. By using this resources, it will bring my chase to a medical profession closer, and in doing so I can help hundreds of people with the medical attention they need.

Sorry to be harsh here but this is not a strong sell. What do you mean "achieve something more than yourself" and "chase to a medical profession closer" - that appears self-meaningful. You also did not write about "what would it mean to you if you received it" - in the prompt."
OP yung 1 / 2  
Feb 14, 2010   #5
How will you finance your education?

I will vigorously apply for scholarships and seek grants. I search scholarship websites daily in order to find atleast three potential scholarships. If I do not win any scholarships then I will find a job in order to save money for college. I refuse to let financial difficulties stop my educational pursuits.
OP yung 1 / 2  
Feb 14, 2010   #6
sorry about before post. I'll revise ASAP.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 16, 2010   #7
One of the motivating factors in choosing a pharmacy career occurred when I was a waiter at a senior citizen home. ---- a factor does not occur. It just hovers around being a factor that influences stuff. So write:

One of the experiences that motivated me to choose a pharmacy career occurred when I was a waiter at a senior citizen home.

I should receive this scholarship, because I feel it would be an investment in a person who wants to achieve something more than himself personal success. By this I mean becoming I want to be a source of peace and guidance for many people.

I like your confident approach! You have confidence that comes from knowing your intentions are pure and good.

:-)
Ayshaya 2 / 10  
Feb 20, 2010   #8
In times where sickness fills the earth -perhaps a little overdramatic. :)

Why do you feel you should receive this scholarship and what would it mean to you if you received it? you answer that first part, but not so much the second part so here's an idea-

If i get this scholarship, i won't have to get a job in college to pay for my education, allowing me to focus more on my studies and maintain my high standards in academics...

good luck!


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