Hi Guys! I need help on making my essay sound concise, some of my sentences could be phrased in better ways (although I don't know exactly how). Could anyone kindly help me?
"But that's just using your parents for college! It's not fair." That was my friend's response to my college counselor's story about a student who had chosen to write about the death of his mother. Little did she know, the cheerful girl she sat next to everyday in Global History struggled with family problems: a sick parent, a financially unstable family, and the possibility of becoming homeless. (parallelism?) In my competitive high school where even a GPA difference of 0.1 mattered greatly, I tried to camouflage among my middle-class peers by hiding my dark secret in Pandora's Box. (rephrase or ok?) While applying for the Questbridge Scholarship, I met others like me who are dealing with family problems whether it be (such as?) a divorce, the death of a family member or drug abusive parents. If there was one thing I could change in my community, it would be the attitude towards students who have struggling family problems; I would create a support foundation (network?) where students can meet other students , share struggles without considering social boundaries, support and encourage one another.(each other?) It is the support system I often wished for but never had.
Sometimes I try very hard to hide my other identity in front of my peers, sometimes I want to scream(better verb?) at them so they know what I am going through (rephrase?) , but at the end of the day I decide to remain silent because it feels like my peers will never understand my situation. Some may say that support begins with the guidance counselor/some may say that your guidance counselor can help , but students are unlikely to reach out to guidance counselors. I've always been scared of telling my guidance counselors about my family situation. I did not want to be perceived as weak or pity seeking. I was not comfortable with expressing all my inner emotions to them, afraid that they would call my parents, putting my parents to shame, (I didn't want my parents to know I was suffering), or worse, request psychiatrist help. I know I don't need Psychiatrist help; I just need a willing ear and someone to understand.
My support network will recruit students not only in my community but all over the world. We can unite through the internet and plan a regional retreat once a year. It is a place where children can go to when they feel like all hope is lost. There will be fundraisers, donations and scholarships for students who need financially help. Job Referrals so that students can gain work experience and earn money at the same time, free SAT and ACT Prep would be given. Although there are many organizations like this, this one will not be corrupt.
We need to change the perception that students with family troubles are weak, pitiful, and unlikely to lead successful lives. I want our community to understand and not only recognize that people go through hardships but help them so they the path less taken be full of less rocks be a bit smoother. I want to be part of that change. In 5 years from now with my college diploma in my hand, I want to stand up tall and proud with a cheekish smile on my face and say "I did it!" and to the hundreds of thousands of kids out there: "You can too!"
"But that's just using your parents for college! It's not fair." That was my friend's response to my college counselor's story about a student who had chosen to write about the death of his mother. Little did she know, the cheerful girl she sat next to everyday in Global History struggled with family problems: a sick parent, a financially unstable family, and the possibility of becoming homeless. (parallelism?) In my competitive high school where even a GPA difference of 0.1 mattered greatly, I tried to camouflage among my middle-class peers by hiding my dark secret in Pandora's Box. (rephrase or ok?) While applying for the Questbridge Scholarship, I met others like me who are dealing with family problems whether it be (such as?) a divorce, the death of a family member or drug abusive parents. If there was one thing I could change in my community, it would be the attitude towards students who have struggling family problems; I would create a support foundation (network?) where students can meet other students , share struggles without considering social boundaries, support and encourage one another.(each other?) It is the support system I often wished for but never had.
Sometimes I try very hard to hide my other identity in front of my peers, sometimes I want to scream(better verb?) at them so they know what I am going through (rephrase?) , but at the end of the day I decide to remain silent because it feels like my peers will never understand my situation. Some may say that support begins with the guidance counselor/some may say that your guidance counselor can help , but students are unlikely to reach out to guidance counselors. I've always been scared of telling my guidance counselors about my family situation. I did not want to be perceived as weak or pity seeking. I was not comfortable with expressing all my inner emotions to them, afraid that they would call my parents, putting my parents to shame, (I didn't want my parents to know I was suffering), or worse, request psychiatrist help. I know I don't need Psychiatrist help; I just need a willing ear and someone to understand.
My support network will recruit students not only in my community but all over the world. We can unite through the internet and plan a regional retreat once a year. It is a place where children can go to when they feel like all hope is lost. There will be fundraisers, donations and scholarships for students who need financially help. Job Referrals so that students can gain work experience and earn money at the same time, free SAT and ACT Prep would be given. Although there are many organizations like this, this one will not be corrupt.
We need to change the perception that students with family troubles are weak, pitiful, and unlikely to lead successful lives. I want our community to understand and not only recognize that people go through hardships but help them so they the path less taken be full of less rocks be a bit smoother. I want to be part of that change. In 5 years from now with my college diploma in my hand, I want to stand up tall and proud with a cheekish smile on my face and say "I did it!" and to the hundreds of thousands of kids out there: "You can too!"
