[Chevening Essays] Building networks was essential for me to get my first internship

This is the second essay I've written to apply for a Chevening scholarship. I found this harder to write than the Leadership & Influence one. I tried my best not to repeat experiences that fall under bother 'influence' and 'network' categories. This is 441 words, which means I still have some room left to expand if necessary.

Chevening is looking for individuals with strong networking skills, who will engage with the Chevening community and influence and lead others in their chosen profession. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your networking skills, and outline how you hope to use these skills in the future. (minimum word count: 50 words, maximum word count: 500 words)

Throughout my academic and professional career I have experienced the importance of having the right connections. Building networks was essential for me to get my first internship, to succeed in my job after graduating and to have reference letters for a Chevening scholarship. I will briefly explain how networking skills helped me going from a student in an underrepresented municipality in Rio de Janeiro's periphery to an International Relations graduate with colleagues in the five continents of the world.

Being a talkative and hardworking student led me to develop close ties with teachers from many classes I took. Based on their reference letters I received a full tuition scholarship at the best private university on International Relations in Brazil and funding for an exchange program at the United States. Those good relationships also helped me finding my first professional opportunity. I was indicated to a position of research assistant for a PhD thesis in International Relations, which turned out to be an amazing opportunity to learn more about development issues and public policy making.

During my exchange, it was also through a connection that I got an internship at Earth Child Institute (ECI), a NGO that works tirelessly to empower children in the Amazon forest. During this exchange I became friends with people from all over the world and learned on a daily basis how to overcome cultural barriers. This experience certainly improved my networking skills and ability to connect to different people. After four months I had easily met over 500 people from more than 40 countries.

Networking skills also proved to be an important asset in my job as Government & Public Affairs Analyst. I was responsible for leveraging influence in support of the company's projects and fostering close relationships with government, regulatory agency and industry associations. The job had a cross-functional nature that required me to coordinate with people from different areas. This was important to expand my network by adding contacts in law, communications, sustainability, project management and finance, among others.

My plans upon returning to Brazil include fostering a network of young professionals interested in public policy and politics. This is a priority area in the country and we need motivated and qualified professionals to make a positive impact. I believe I have already started to build my network to do so. However, this is only the beginning. I want to be a Chevening scholar so that I can get to know young leaders from around the world and learn from their experiences. Finding people that are motivated by the same issues that you are is the first step towards creating a movement capable of change.

Hey Mayara, you really have an impressive line up of networks and the places where you utilize them are quite notable. Those references certainly strengthen your essay. It shows that you know how to use your networks whenever you need to. However, that is also the shortcoming of your essay. You have spent so much time developing the image of your networks that you failed to explain how you developed your networking skills.

Keep in mind that the networks you created did not happen overnight. It took time, effort, and talent to achieve those networking goals on your end. That is why I find it such a waste for you to just keep on merely mentioning that you created so and so network during your time at so and so. As a scholarship reviewer, I would want to see concrete evidence of how you did this. Show me how the network was created. It is not enough to say that you have these networks. It is important for you to explain how you developed those as well.

You already said that you are a talkative person. That is a start with regards to explaining how you developed your network. From that point, you can also show how you manage to engage others effectively. It is not enough that you met these people at events and that you know their names. That only proves acquaintances. You should be able to show that you are capable of engaging these people in such a manner that they will actually want to work with you either for the first time, or again in the future. Show us how you make an impression through networking. How you manage to engage the people is just as important at the network you created when the two of you exchanged calling cards.

I don't see any problem with your concluding paragraph. It works quite well in reflecting your plans for the future.

Louisa, thanks for your comments. You're always helpful! I've added a few sentences to try to explain better how I got those connections. However, now the essay is above the word limit, so I have to cut it somewhere. Any suggestions? It has 543 words and I need it to be 500.

Please don't repost the same / unchanged sentences.

Draft 2

My commitment and desire to learn were essential for them to feel compelled to indicate me to positions they thought I was a fit and to act as a referee when I needed.

In spite of knowing me for a short time, one of my professors thought of me for this position after I demonstrated interest in public policy. It was also during this exchange that I became friends ...

... met over 500 people from more than 40 countries in classes, social gatherings, clubs, etc.

To have this strong network was important when I returned to Brazil after my exchange. I kept in contact with my peers while I was away and upon returning they offered me my position back.

Mayara, sometimes, simply rephrasing your additional sentences will help you to achieve the maximum word count. Let me try to rephrase your sentences in red. I will make it shorter. Then you can add it to your existing essay and check for word count compliance. You only need to bring it down by 43 words right?

My commitment and desire to learn were essential for them to feel compelled to indicate me to positions they thought I was a fit and to act as a referee when I needed

- My obvious commitment and desire to learn prompted my teachers to assign me to positions where they knew I would be able to help make a change.

In spite of knowing me for a short time, one of my professors thought of me for this position after I demonstrated interest in public policy.

- One of the professors believed in my public policy abilities enough to assign me to this position even though I was new on the job.

in classes, social gatherings, clubs, etc.
- Drop the etc. and instead say, "among others"

To have this strong network was important when I returned to Brazil after my exchange. I kept in contact with my peers while I was away and upon returning they offered me my position back.

- This strong network was a necessary element that convinced my old network of peers to offer me my old job back upon my return.

Let me know if these shortened sentences work well for you :-)

Thanks for your help, Louisa. I've changed the sentences according to your suggestions but I was still 25 words above the limit! I rephrased other parts of the text and cut words that I thought were unnecessary. It is still 13 words longer than allowed and I don't know where to cut anymore... I'm having a hard time rephrasing because I think in my native language and the sentence structure doesn't always make sense in English :-(

I'm sorry to bother you that much, but if you have other suggestions on how to make it shorter I would appreciate a lot.

Draft 3

...

Mayara, don't fret. I took one look at your current version of the essay and immediately found a portion that you can cut out from the first paragraph. You can easily delete the first sentence in that section without affecting the overall feel and message of your essay. What you wrote is actually just composed of fluff and doesn't help the essay along. By deleting that line, the immediate sentence after offers a solid response to the prompt. It is the hook that your essay really requires at this point. Deleting the first sentence will free up almost 20 words from the essay. You only need to delete 13 more right? So you are set once you delete that line. It immediately goes under the word limit.

You can also delete the part of the third paragraph that says "During my exchange..." because the important part of the paragraph comes from the second sentence. Start the paragraph instead with the words "It was also through a connection..." Remember, the reviewer already knows that you were an exchange student. There is no need to keep repeating it.

As far as I can tell, deleting the aforementioned parts of the paragraphs will more than help you bring down the word count. It will also polish the essay to the point where you will be able to use what you now have as it will be in its final form already.

You're absolutely right!
I believe I have the final version of the essay and it's within the word count limit.

Thanks for all of your support, I wish I could help you back anyhow. If there is any way I can give back to this community, let me know. :-)

Mayara, this is a very solid essay. You covered all the bases using the proper short and long term goal prospects. Using specific year numbers to indicate your expected career path is always a touch that is viewed upon favorably by the reviewers. This tells them that you are deadly serious about your intentions for your study and that you will not only complete the course, but also follow an applicable career path in the future. There really isn't much to correct in the essay in terms of content. I have one tiny critic of your work though. You don't really need to explain to the reviewer about the career opportunities you are looking for and the reason for your post graduate studies. You already covered those in your letter of intent. Always try to avoid repeating information in order to avoid having reading redundancy set in with the reviewer. The only revisions required pertain to grammar and tense usage. Since these plans are way ahead into the future, it is best that you always use future tense references in the paragraphs that you write. Use it whenever relevant. Let me try to correct those for you below, with some clarification comments whenever necessary.

I am focusing on municipal rather than state secretaries due to the proximity of the 2018 elections for state government when I return. I believe I will have more opportunities of being part of significant projects there than in an environment that is more focused in transition. In 2 years I see myself becoming undersecretary in such municipality and then moving on to the corresponding state secretary after elections.

- Why the reference to the elections? Will you be running for a local position relevant to your masters degree studies? You need to mention such things if that is the case. How can you become an undersecretary in 2 years? Explain how this process could happen for you. That information is all part of your career path.

I see myself becoming a specialist
- What kind? Mention the career position and job responsibilities if you have an idea about it. It will help to strengthen the intentions you indicate in the paragraph.

my desire to pursue a career that allows WILL ALLOW me to work with policy making

whereas WHILE making a positive impact in Brazil.

In eight years I believe it is WILL BE time to go back to the classroom.

academic career in parallel.
- Mention Brazil specifically and explain the importance of doing this to you. What is the personal reason? All you have stated are general reasons.

Once I set my mind up to ON something

relies on the unevaluable INVALUABLE education

Mayara, It is consistency essay and shows your clear plans, I have fix few things.

par #1
Throughout my career, I have looked for opportunities ...

par #2
There I intend to gain hands- on experience on the challenges the government faceD when implementing public ...

In 2 years, I see myself becoming ...

par #6

The next step in my career plan definitely relies on the unevaluable unvaluable education the UK can provide me.

I wish you the best in your application.