Chevening scholarship opportunity to pursue postgraduate studies in UK

Dear Members, please assist me in reviewing my essay.

chevening - post-study career plan

Essay topic: Chevening is looking for individuals who have a clear post-study career plan. Please outline your immediate plans upon returning home and your longer term career goals. You may wish to consider how these relate to what the UK government is doing in your country.

The following are two immediate plans that I have upon returning to my home country if I will be given Chevening scholarship opportunity to pursue postgraduate studies in UK

Enhance more participation in capital markets: In Tanzania there is a low participation in capital market. As at the end of August 2017 there were about five hundred thousand investors in capital markets as compared to the Tanzania's total population of about forty million people. It's my great hope that on pursuing my postgraduate studies in a modern developed financial market like UK I'll not only obtain knowledge and understanding on capital markets but also the capital markets practice within it. This will enable me to design immediate strategies and programs to enhance more involvement of Tanzanians in capital markets. If the target will be successfully achieved, it's my expectation that there would be an increase in stock market's liquidity. This will also lead to improvement in Tanzania's financial inclusion and hence poverty eradication. One of the UK Government roles through its agencies in Tanzania is poverty eradication of which individual involvement in capital markets will for example investing in shares and bonds can be one of the strategies in achieving this objective.

Improvement of funds under management supervisory framework: Currently I am a person in charge of funds under management supervision hence on obtaining an in-depth knowledge and skills on Investment management in UK's financial market environment; it's my plan to improve the supervisory framework of the same. I'll achieve this through designing the supervisory framework which suits the Tanzanian environment given the knowledge and experience that I will obtain in UK. On achieving this target, the investors will be more comfortable with their investment as their interest will be highly protected by the regulator.

On pursuing the selected courses in finance UK will enable me to get advanced knowledge and skills in capital markets. Also considering the strategies that I'll come back with as well as their impact in Tanzania's capital market will place me in good position to be promoted to a post of Manager responsible for Market Intermediaries and Fund management supervision. This will act as a foundation stone of moving to a more senior and decision making role within financial sector which has been my long term career goal in finance.

Investment Advisory: I have a dream of establishing Investment advisory firm within five to ten years after returning back to my home country. I believe that the knowledge and experience that I will acquire during my one year study in UK will be essential in achieving this. The company, among other objectives will be to conduct the awareness programs to the people at least twice annually so that they can participate in capital markets through explaining to them the opportunities and benefits available in it.

Hi Jackwath,

I am pointing out some grammatical mistakes in your writing:

1. ... my home country if I will be am given Chevening ...

2. If the target will be is successfully achieved...

3. ... after returning back to my home country.

Odatt, your presentation is incorrect. This is still to be presented in a formal essay format and not a bullet form outline. You must revise the presentation to use smooth transition sentences from the end of one paragraph to the beginning of the next paragraph in order to achieve the proper format. While your plans for your future after you graduate is acceptable, there is a lack of accurate reference to the role of the UK in Tanzania at the moment.

You cannot mention that there is a UK agency arm in your country that you hope to get as an investor in the stock market. That is irrelevant. The correct intention for you, in relation to the UK agency involvement in your country would have been to properly address the participation of the UK in Tanzania economics. You must mention the name of the agency, what their role in Tanzania is, what their current projects are in relation to your profession, and what their future involvement might be once you become a partner of that agency in promoting the Tanzania stock market or other relevant economic programs. Poverty eradication does not seem to have a direct connection with your profession and chosen masters degree course so you will need to explain how the UK agency fits in with your plans for increasing the stock market investment in order to help eradicate poverty.

If you cannot make the connection between your profession, your country, and the UK agency then you will not be producing a very effective essay. There have been applicants here whom I have assisted up to their final round of interviews, but then lost their chance because they could not create a post study project that would coordinate its efforts with a UK agency in their home country. You have to prove that the UK government supports your related field in your country if you want to make it past the final round of considerations.

@Holt
Thank you for your review and comments. I will take them into consideration.

@IELTS_Academic
Thank you.