Excuse me, could you please help me improve my personal statement through your valuable remarks, recommendations and feedback.
the first student from Yemen
Frankly, my family always encouraged me to become a doctor at the hospital, so I grew up having the dream of joining the Medicine School to fulfill my family's ambition which I thought it was mine too. In grade 10, I was studying at night and suddenly the electricity went off and that made me think what if I am a doctor doing a life-and-death surgery for a patient and the power goes out. I thought about energy resources and other medical equipment the doctors use, who made them? I started thinking that I can provide more services than doctors do. I can design and produce items that all use and provide reliable and sustainable energy for us all. From that night, I decided to study an engineering-related discipline, and upon completing high school and after consulting a Mechanical Engineering graduate who explicitly explained to me what mechanical Engineering is all about, I found that Mechanical Engineering is the best choice among the engineering fields.
During my undergraduate studies, I had the ambition of contributing to solving some of the major problems in the world. Indubitably, the world we live in is facing so many challenges and problems concerning energy crisis and climate change. Recently, Yemen is encountering a great power shortage which doesn't meet its population and infrastructure power demands. One of the great challenge and the sacristy of electricity in Yemen is that it depends totally on fossil fuel including, Diesel, Heavy Crude Oil, and Liquefied natural gas. These resources are of a great concern due to environmental and economic concerns. Our roles are to research and investigate more to meet the ever-increasing demand for energy and with less or no energy emissions which harm our environment. I was very enthusiastic about energy and the environment so my graduation project was to design a 2MW wind turbine blade to make a future wind farm in AlMokha Zone, Yemen.
Working as a Teaching Assistant, I learned how to become more passionate and motivated. I learned how to provide more information beyond the subject and how to link what is taught in the class to the workplace. I am trying hard to employ our knowledge to solve some of the world problems. One thing that I made my students work on is a project of changing manual disabled wheelchairs to run electrically. Due to the current war in Yemen and increased number of injured people, we need more wheelchairs. Although electric wheelchairs are available in the market, their prices are extremely high of around 2300$. So, we decided to change wheelchairs from being driven manually to be driven electrically by adding locally manufactured parts which are price-competitive. Our local electric wheelchairs are only 650$ price.
Beside the world biggest problems that can be solved by applying our intellect and advanced technology, there are other problems that need spiritual reform. Nowadays, people are bombing each other because of religious beliefs and that made participate in awareness campaigns to teach young people and reform their behaviors. I have the trait of persuading others through evidence and logic, so I was a member of this activity which targeted school students. Our aims were to positively change our society ideology which is full of noneducation, terrorism, and religious fanaticism. We had to transfer good ideas of tolerance, equality, and justice to my community in order to change it. Also, I like writing poems and essays in both Arabic and English. Truthfully, I am very enthusiastic about Arabic poetry and literature. When I was in level 3, I have participated in a competition for poetry, stories, and novels writing. I have worked hard to write some poems to win this competition, but unfortunately, none of the participants won. They have informed us that due to political reasons they have to cancel it. Writing has helped me grow emotionally and intellectually. When I write I feel the tranquility and peace of life. It strengthened my sensitivity and my writing skills.
In conclusion, I know that I am not the best student to join the XXXX University because XXXX University already has the most super-talented students. I am trying to be the first Yemeni student to join such a prestigious university and be among the best. I will thrive to promote the world-wide reputation of XXX University by conducting valuable scientific researches in the Mechanical Engineering Department. As a XXXX University student, I will dedicate my time and effort to research and engage in the university activities in order to make our university the first top university in the world.I think you can use a better intro, I got the point for it but still have some negative vibes and reader could mistakenly assumed that your goals aren't purely yours and it's affected by your family way of thinking.
The relation between what your country status and your passion to study this subject need to be more clear. You detail both but without a solid relation between.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,844 
4786 Kareem, this is one confusing personal statement. It is jumping all over the place with regards to topic discussions and yet, none of the discussions connect well enough to make sense to the reader. A personal statement has only one task. That is, to show the development of your interest in a particular field or employment. So tell me, what is it that you really want to discuss in this statement? Drop the discussion about your family. Work on a professional angle in relation to the development of your interest in this course. What aspects of your job helped to increase your interest in this field? How did that happen? Explain why this university was your first choice to study this masters course. Increase the interest in the fact that the university is capable of teaching you something that the other universities offering the same course cannot. Finally, do not demean yourself in the essay. What is the use of even trying to apply if you have such a defeatist attitude? If you know you are not worthy, then why are you wasting the reviewer's time? Remove that reference and instead, replace it with an enthusiastic statement about looking forward to becoming a member of the student community during the upcoming semester.
this pharagraph confuses me the most:
In conclusion, I know that I am not [...]
While i am sure that the university will love you to promote them, it is not what they are looking for in your essay. they want to see more about you and your long term career goal so they'll claim your success as the university's success as well after being able to educate you. And do distinguish between being humble and not being confident. do not say that "i know that i am not the best" because the main purpose of this essay is to promote and sell yourself. just be confident and highlist the best in you. don't be too honest on your weaknesses
Thank you all for your valuable recommendation. I will try to write it again.
Here is my edited personal statement. Could you please comment on it and give me your feedback?
One night I was studying, when suddenly the electricity went off. In the dark, I was thinking about energy and how this basic element of nature can be used to power almost everything. Moreover, I watched a TV program about global warming and how the human activities accelerated this climate change by burning fossil fuel to produce power which has lead to destroy our habitable earth. I realized that I have to contribute to solve some of the major problems and challenges our world is facing now particularly the energy crisis and climate change. I start my academic life towards achieving my dreams and that led me to pursue a degree in Mechanical Engineering. Inevitably, Mechanical Engineering has equipped me with combined fundamentals and concepts that can be used in board disciplines especially subjects related to energy and sustainability.
I strongly believe that pursuing a master degree in Mechanical Engineering at XXXX University will further develop and enhance my knowledge and my research competence. It will enable me to employ my ideas and concepts to solve a real-world problem. For example, when I was working as a Teaching Assistant at XXXX University, I realized that the number of injured people has dramatically increased due to the current war in Yemen. There was a rabid demand for wheelchairs for disabled people particularly electrical ones. Although powered wheelchairs are available in the market, their prices are extremely high of around 2300$. So, I encouraged my students in to work on manual wheelchairs to change them from being driven manually to be driven electrically by adding locally manufactured parts which are price-competitive. Our local electric wheelchairs are only 650$ price. Now, this postgraduate study will extend my research-skills to all sorts of problems and challenges in the world.
In this master degree I will conduct my research interests which are mainly about energy and environment in the Middle East. Although the Middle East has the world third reserves of oil and gas, it is our roles to shift our interests to renewable energy because of the negative impacts of fossil fuel on our environment. In addition, the renewable energy resources in the Middle East are abundantly available and can be harnessed to meet our ever-increasing demand for energy. This degree will qualify me personally and intellectually to further develop renewable energy projects in our region. One example is to cofound a research center in Yemen at XXXX University with the collaboration with the General Department of Renewable Energy at the Ministry of Electricity and Energy as well as with international cooperation of other university like XXXX University. This research center will advance the goal of renewable energy technologies by providing leadership, research, and development in renewable energy projects in Yemen and the Middle East.
During this course, I plan to conduct advanced scientific researches related to Mechanical Engineering especially energy-related topics. In the laboratory experiments, I will aim to develop new technologies responsible to enhance the thermochemical properties of fluids used in automobiles, heat exchangers....etc. This can be accomplished through the innovative and promising solutions of the smallest scale the Micro or the Nano scale. For instance, we can enhance the heat transfer in heat exchangers by using nanofluids that can be used in solar power plants. Also, we can enhance the mechanical properties of materials used for making wind turbines Nano composite of fiber glass materials.
Besides my academic and research excellence, I am an active person in the university community. I like socializing and working with diverse people. Also, I am good at playing soccer and currently I am a captain of a team that participated in more than one hundred matches in my neighborhood, Sana'a, Yemen. Furthermore, I like writing poems in both Arabic and English. Truthfully, I am very enthusiastic about Arabic poetry and literature. When I was in level 3, I have participated in a competition for poetry, stories, and novels writing. I have worked hard to write some poems to win this competition, but unfortunately none of the participants won. They have informed us that due to political reasons they have to cancel it. Writing has helped me grow emotionally and intellectually. When I write I feel the tranquility and peace of life. It strengthened my sensitivity and my writing skills.
In conclusion participating in this program at the XXXX University which is one of the top research-intensive universities in the world, will get and extract the best out of me academically and socially. It will enable me to serve my community with researching and studying with different people from around the globe.
