I chosed University of Melbourne and Monash University. AAS 2018 Supporting Statement

Please provide comment on my essay No.1 below. Your support is much appreciated.

How did you choose your proposed course and institution?

the courses' ability to tailor a program based on my own interests

Economists believe that the key to the growth of Mongolian economy is diversification of the economy. Ease of doing business is the most important factor for the diversification to happen. As Mongolian economy expands, commercial issues have certainly become more complicated and international, that consequently making lawyers with global grasp of commercial law in great demand. Lawyers specialized in commercial law don't only act for individuals or businesses, but also are instrumental in the public sector, such as in representing the government on the negotiation of commercial terms of contracts.

The concept of commercial law is relatively new to Mongolia. As such, commercial law subjects taught in Mongolian universities are inadequate in reflecting up-to-date commercial issues emerging these days to the program as well as in preparing the students for today's commercial world.

At my current work, XXX in Mongolia, I've observed the lack of necessary legislation and unfamiliarity of internationally recognized aspects of commercial law in Mongolia. After facing several difficulties that further proved my observation, I have decided to further study commercial law in internationally recognized level. Now that I have already gained some experience advising clients from local perspective, I believe that I'm ready to study what commercial lawyers around the world should be aware of.

From the universities offering master's degree in commercial/business law, I chose University of Melbourne and Monash University due the courses' ability to tailor a program based on my own interests. Since I have many subjects that I have grown interest during my professional experience, I hope these courses will allow me to study the aspects of commercial law that I'm interested and are hard to further study in Mongolia.

Azaa, the first two paragraphs of your essay is not necessary in the position that you have placed it in. It does not directly respond to the question about how you chose your course/s. If you instead open with the third paragraph, you will be delivering a direct response to the essay prompt regarding the choices. This will then free up the current unnecessary information for integration in the paragraphs regarding your reasons for choosing the universities you mentioned. By explaining the needs of the Mongolian professional in relation to the course offerings of the university, you will be able to better explain how it applies to your professional career and the future development of the Mongolian economy.

You just need to integrate the earlier information into your essay regarding the choice of universities in order to create a persuasive line of reasoning. All of the information in your essay is good and relevant. It is just the current format and placement of the data and references that makes it less helpful to your application. Editing the content to integrate the information should fix that problem in a jiffy.

Thank you very much for your comments. I will reflect them on my essay/