A clear vision tempered with honesty - the inspiration from my late professor

Describe a figure or movement which has provided inspiration within your life!

Late professor Dora Nkem Akunyili was born on the 14th of July 1954 and died 7th June 2014,aged 59. Her life though considered brief by some impacted greatly on Nigeria as a country and on many individual,including me in a plethora of ways. The inspiration derived from knowing the life and achievement of Dora stemmed mostly from the zeal,honestly,fearlessness and nationalism exemplified by her. An example of her honesty,in 1994,she was diagnosed for cancer and was scheduled for an operation in the USA,but the doctors in the USA deemed the surgery as not applicable. The 12000 USD meant for the surgery was returned by her to the coffers of the Nigerian government. Again in 2001,Dora was appointed to the strategic and very important Nigerian National Agency for Food,Drug Administration and control (NAFDAC) despite objections from certain quarters especially that the cabal in Nigeria who thrived in saturating the Nigerian medication and drug business with fake drugs were from the same igbo tribe as Dora and would intimidate and corrupt her,to the shock of even her biggest skeptics,Dora took the war on fake drugs to the door steps of fake drug dealers using the familiarity she had with the areas they were operating in to defeat them to a large extent.Fake drugs prevalence in Nigeria fell from high of almost 60% to 16.5% of drugs circulating in the Nigerian pharmaceutical market.By 2008,Dora was appointed the Nigerian minister for information ,a position in which she also excelled though not her core discipline.

I am profoundly inspired by the achievement of Dora Akunyili because i have learnt from her that despite the odds and opposition that one faces in life,a clear vision tempered with honesty and equity especially in a country like Nigeria where i hail from has a great effect in enabling one impact ones environment and society.

In Nigeria today,gone are the days when the wicked fake drug producers carry out their evil business without fear,leading to great loss of life in the society.Presently if one buys any drug from the pharmacy,all you have to do is to look out for a PIN number which you scratch out and send to the NAFDAC and you get an immediate reply as to the genuineness of the drug.This has assisted in saving millions of lives in Nigeria.A further inspiration from Dora is that i am now more encompassing in the way i think.I used to look at life from a narrow perspective of myself,my nuclear family but i now look at my fellow human being and appreciate the diversity that exists i my society as well as the fact that honesty,servitude,exemplary behaviour, forthrightness,fairness and equity are attributes that can make one and ones society excel.

Dora Akunyili died on the 7th of June 2014 after a protracted battle with cancer of the ovaries.

Valerie, why are you offering a biographical look at the life and times of Dora Akunyili when you are being asked to present the reasons why this person has become an inspiration in your life? The question is asking you to pick a person who has inspired you to do something good or make a positive change in your life. So the essay should first discuss why this person inspired you. Show the reviewer what your interest is and how this person relates to it. If this person inspired you to participate in a certain lifestyle, activity, or organization, then explain how it happened for you. This not about the life and times of the historical figure or movement. This is about you finding your inspiration in the exemplary life or movement that this person represents. So the paper should present a balanced look at your interests in relation to the person or movement. The person or movement should not occupy more than half of the paper. It should be a balanced presentation of the way you were inspired by some pertinent data from the person's background. The background has to relate to the inspiration the person provided you.

Reverse the presentation of your essay. Bring the talk about how the woman inspired you to the top of the essay and edit the story about her life in such a manner that is becomes shorter and keeps only the parts that relate to how she inspired you as part of the second and closing paragraphs. Analyze her back story and then use only the relevant parts in your essay.

Hi Valerie, I appreciate your thorough introduction of this individual. May I ask whether this is a college application essay? Because the college may want to know more about yourself through the figure you introduce. I see that you make such attempts in the second and third paragraph, but to me either that part should be prolonged to at least half of the essay, or you can merge Dora's qualities and yours together, stating one quality each paragraph, e.g. one for honesty and one for equity, then an additional paragraph explaining why these are essential to her success in Nigeria, and how you are inspired.

I am profoundly inspired by the achievement of Dora Akunyili because i have learnt from her that despite the odds and opposition that one faces in life,a clear vision tempered with honesty and equity especially in a country like Nigeria where i hail from has a great effect in enabling one impact ones environment and society.

I admit this long sentence kind of puzzled me. Perhaps it could be:

Dora's vision for a better(or medically-safe?) Nigeria inspired me, and more inspiring was the honesty and equity she practiced in her continual strive to achieve that vision. Following her steps in propelling structural change, I will also fight the odds and opposition to bring a better future for Nigeria (you can also list in what specific aspects you want to better your country.)

Valerie, this version of your statement is already acceptable because it focuses equally on the way that the person inspired you and what the background of that person is. It would help if you would mention what she is noted for in Nigeria within the first 3 sentences of the opening paragraph so that the reason why you would consider her an inspiration becomes evident immediately.

My main concern at the moment, is the fact that you did not bother to check for grammar accuracy (capitalization of the word I throughout the essay is faulty), and proper punctuation usage (you need to place a space between the period and the next capitalized word of the succeeding sentence).

There is also a need for you to separate the paragraphs in order to create breathing space or the eyes of the reader. The current set up is too tight on the page and doesn't really allow the reader's eyes to relax while reading your statement. If the reader can relax while reading your work, he will be more receptive and analytical of what you have to say in response to the prompt.